Display of Power

How is it I wonder that we wind up, one way or another, thinking that we’ve given our power to other people? It seems to happen in the most sneaky and unassuming ways. For me it comes in ways that I never see coming. I always wind up in some futile power struggle with my emotions. And it’s entirely self-imposed. I don’t remember anyone ever explicitly asking for a share of my own personal power. It’s not like I get sent notes in class saying “Do you want to swap your power for my insecurities? Check one box: Yes No Maybe.”

It comes for me because I wear my heart on my sleeve. Because once I’ve let a person into my world I can’t ever shut them out completely. Regardless of the big picture of a relationship or friendship, no matter what happens, once I love someone all they have to do is show back up and I’ll gladly lay down in the street for them.

And inevitably I always find myself wondering if it really is giving over power to someone, or if I’m just being open, honest and accessible. I wonder if I’d really want to be any other way. Would I (could I?) choose to be closed off, shut down and entirely dishonest about my feelings? There are days, places, situations, people with whom I’d like to think that I could be that way. As a means of self-preservation. But at the end of the day, what would I be protecting? I think it would be less protection than denial. And denial is most certainly a realm which I am desperately trying to get away from.

I think for me the question at the core of all of this is really, why do I think that being so utterly open with my heart makes me weak? Why do I think that displaying my joy and disappointments for all to see forces my power into retreat? How did I ever come to the conclusion that loving someone diminishes me in any way? Because at the end of the day, it’s really not about who loves you back, but how you love that matters.

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