Ok, so apparently I’ve lost my mind. Or hit a wall. Or something. Because it appears that my current options are either crying mess or harpy. Lovely. Exactly how I wanted to kick off my week! I just cannot seem to pull it together. I’m trying to just be, as uncomfortable as it may be, in the hopes that all of this will just work itself out and I can go back to my own version of functionality. Because bursting into tears every time someone asks how I am is just not acceptable. And neither is screaming at my children just because they happen to be breathing in my general vicinity. I’m being ridiculous.
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
1/26/10
Wall
9/16/09
Solitude Please
For as long as I can remember I have craved solitude. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love to be with the people I love and often at that. I love to be fully immersed into a social setting chock full of laughter and cavorting, story-telling and conversation. It’s good for my soul to see my own joy reflected in the faces of those dearest to me and I love to be their mirror as well.
But alone time has always been at the root of my sanity. I need the time to decompress and/or process life and the world around me. I’m not much of a think on my feet kind of girl. I’m more of a think it all through, every last detail, and then stride out into the world at large kind of girl. And because my own internal processes are probably more complicated than they ought to be, I need this kind of alone time on a pretty regular basis. I knew yesterday that I was in need of a solid chunk of peace and quiet when I picked up the Twilight series again (this will be the fifth time). And that knowledge solidified today because every time The Girl shadowed my every move I was overcome with a distinct feeling of annoyance instead of patient acceptance.
Life currently has dealt me yet another shift. Another step stands in front of me demanding to be conquered and learned from. And I’ve gotten strong enough this year that I’m welcoming the opportunity to build yet more strength and experience. But I’ve also learned that I need to do preparations so that I can climb with finesse and purpose instead of just blindly throwing myself at the task at hand. So that I can remain grounded in the moment instead of getting strung out on the future; what lies after getting over the current hurdle.
We’re meeting with the bankruptcy lawyer again tomorrow. This time to retain his services. I am looking forward to the opportunity to exchange this burden with the freedom to make different choices. I truly am. But I thought a little extra calisthenics training with Edward wouldn’t hurt first.
But alone time has always been at the root of my sanity. I need the time to decompress and/or process life and the world around me. I’m not much of a think on my feet kind of girl. I’m more of a think it all through, every last detail, and then stride out into the world at large kind of girl. And because my own internal processes are probably more complicated than they ought to be, I need this kind of alone time on a pretty regular basis. I knew yesterday that I was in need of a solid chunk of peace and quiet when I picked up the Twilight series again (this will be the fifth time). And that knowledge solidified today because every time The Girl shadowed my every move I was overcome with a distinct feeling of annoyance instead of patient acceptance.
Life currently has dealt me yet another shift. Another step stands in front of me demanding to be conquered and learned from. And I’ve gotten strong enough this year that I’m welcoming the opportunity to build yet more strength and experience. But I’ve also learned that I need to do preparations so that I can climb with finesse and purpose instead of just blindly throwing myself at the task at hand. So that I can remain grounded in the moment instead of getting strung out on the future; what lies after getting over the current hurdle.
We’re meeting with the bankruptcy lawyer again tomorrow. This time to retain his services. I am looking forward to the opportunity to exchange this burden with the freedom to make different choices. I truly am. But I thought a little extra calisthenics training with Edward wouldn’t hurt first.
8/9/09
8/7/09 - I Day
Today was the day. The day that started off quietly with me drinking coffee and watching the campus wake up. The day that I was so worried about. The day where I would interview with 29 people (literally) over the course of an entire day for a position I really want. And it went by so quickly it left my head spinning. Pretty literally. Driving away from campus I almost had to pull over. I felt drunk; my head spinning and totally overwhelmed. But in the best possible way. I had so much fun. And that’s an outcome that never once crossed my mind. But that is exactly what happened.
My time interviewing with the administration big whigs had me working in the vision of the position. Plans for what is to come and strategy. My time spent with the search committee and other staff members was much more focused on the concrete and nitty gritty of the day to day job responsibilities. So it was fun to go back and forth from ethereal strategic planning to specifics of how the infrastructure works. And meeting (or re-meeting) all of these people was all at the same time intimidating, engaging, lovely and left me feeling totally amped up and completely ready to start the job tomorrow. It was, without a doubt and quite surprisingly, the best interview I’ve ever had.
I was utterly me through the whole thing. I tried to strike a balance between my professional side and my family. Because both sides are extremely important to me, so I tried to leave them with that impression of me. That my life is about balance, or at the very least that is what I struggle to make it. I let myself be funny and smart. I was grateful and humble while at the same time leaving no doubt that I know exactly what I’m talking about.
I felt powerful and so completely rooted in my own strength that I didn’t really want the whole thing to end. But end it did. And they said they’d be in touch in the next two weeks. Do you think I can keep my fingers crossed for that long?
My time interviewing with the administration big whigs had me working in the vision of the position. Plans for what is to come and strategy. My time spent with the search committee and other staff members was much more focused on the concrete and nitty gritty of the day to day job responsibilities. So it was fun to go back and forth from ethereal strategic planning to specifics of how the infrastructure works. And meeting (or re-meeting) all of these people was all at the same time intimidating, engaging, lovely and left me feeling totally amped up and completely ready to start the job tomorrow. It was, without a doubt and quite surprisingly, the best interview I’ve ever had.
I was utterly me through the whole thing. I tried to strike a balance between my professional side and my family. Because both sides are extremely important to me, so I tried to leave them with that impression of me. That my life is about balance, or at the very least that is what I struggle to make it. I let myself be funny and smart. I was grateful and humble while at the same time leaving no doubt that I know exactly what I’m talking about.
I felt powerful and so completely rooted in my own strength that I didn’t really want the whole thing to end. But end it did. And they said they’d be in touch in the next two weeks. Do you think I can keep my fingers crossed for that long?
4/25/09
Diva-tude
“Coyotes way freak me out.” – The Girl
She said this tonight while we were watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe for a bit. She said this in reference to the assassin wolves that are set out to find Peter, Edmund, Susan and Lucy. And I totally get that. That they’d freak her out. They freak me out. Mostly because they’re talking. And we switched the channel after that declaration.
The things that come out of that girl’s mouth will never cease to amaze me. And the attitude with which she says those things serve to amaze me further. I kind of always thought those moms of 3 to 6 or 7 year olds were sort of exaggerating when they said things like “Oh yes, she’s 5 going on 12” with a roll of the eyes and exhausted smile. But now I get it. I really, really get it.
The Girl is a full on diva in the making. She loves to have her nails painted. She has very specific treasures that she knows exactly where they are at all times. She almost always has a purse with her full of select treasures. She adorns herself with thrift store necklaces and bracelets at all times. We usually have to bribe her in some way to get them off of her when she goes to bed as I have lovely visions of her strangling herself to death by Mardi Gras beads in the middle of the night.
And the strangest thing about all of this diva-tude is that it came out of nowhere. This time last year she was running around dirty and with skinned knees. She did everything in her power to keep up with her brother and to play all of his games at his pace.
I am so NOT a day-to-day diva that I’ve little to no idea what to do with her at this point. Do I get her a princess dress for her birthday or summer soccer camp (she seems to be innately talented with soccer)? I don’t know. And maybe I never will. I just hope her girl power comes from a place of strength as well as beauty.
She said this tonight while we were watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe for a bit. She said this in reference to the assassin wolves that are set out to find Peter, Edmund, Susan and Lucy. And I totally get that. That they’d freak her out. They freak me out. Mostly because they’re talking. And we switched the channel after that declaration.
The things that come out of that girl’s mouth will never cease to amaze me. And the attitude with which she says those things serve to amaze me further. I kind of always thought those moms of 3 to 6 or 7 year olds were sort of exaggerating when they said things like “Oh yes, she’s 5 going on 12” with a roll of the eyes and exhausted smile. But now I get it. I really, really get it.
The Girl is a full on diva in the making. She loves to have her nails painted. She has very specific treasures that she knows exactly where they are at all times. She almost always has a purse with her full of select treasures. She adorns herself with thrift store necklaces and bracelets at all times. We usually have to bribe her in some way to get them off of her when she goes to bed as I have lovely visions of her strangling herself to death by Mardi Gras beads in the middle of the night.
And the strangest thing about all of this diva-tude is that it came out of nowhere. This time last year she was running around dirty and with skinned knees. She did everything in her power to keep up with her brother and to play all of his games at his pace.
I am so NOT a day-to-day diva that I’ve little to no idea what to do with her at this point. Do I get her a princess dress for her birthday or summer soccer camp (she seems to be innately talented with soccer)? I don’t know. And maybe I never will. I just hope her girl power comes from a place of strength as well as beauty.
2/10/09
Saudade
Among all of my least favorite things, among the absolute hatred of people chewing with their mouths open, or the ticking of clocks or the sound of clay pots scraping together, the worst of them all, what I detest the most, is missing people.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why this brings out such a strong reaction for me. And I think what it boils down to is that there is nothing I can do to change missing someone. And that, quite frankly, drives me fucking crazy. When I’m uncomfortable feeling something, my first instinct is to fix it or make it different in some way. And when I’m missing someone, that is not an option. If I could change it, then I wouldn’t be missing them.
When I was studying in Germany, I had a good friend from Sao Paulo who taught me the Brazilian word for when you are missing someone. But he qualified it with the fact that their word transcends the English word. In Portuguese, the word has a much stronger intonation. It carries with it a feeling of loss, like not having that person with you leaves you incomplete in some way. I’ve always remembered that word because, in its definition as well as the way it feels being said, it captures so much more eloquently how I feel when I miss someone. The word is saudade, but the last d comes off as more of a soft g when he said it. It’s such a beautiful word to describe such an unwelcome feeling.
I’m always missing someone lately it seems. Missing old friends. Missing old loves. Just missing. And I can honestly say that the Portuguese way of summing that up is much closer to how I feel than the simple act of missing someone.
Like even though my strength has multiplied exponentially over the past several months, that there is still a part of me that is not entirely whole because of the lack of these people in my life. While I know I can stand on my own without them, the world is so much more beautiful with them by my side.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why this brings out such a strong reaction for me. And I think what it boils down to is that there is nothing I can do to change missing someone. And that, quite frankly, drives me fucking crazy. When I’m uncomfortable feeling something, my first instinct is to fix it or make it different in some way. And when I’m missing someone, that is not an option. If I could change it, then I wouldn’t be missing them.
When I was studying in Germany, I had a good friend from Sao Paulo who taught me the Brazilian word for when you are missing someone. But he qualified it with the fact that their word transcends the English word. In Portuguese, the word has a much stronger intonation. It carries with it a feeling of loss, like not having that person with you leaves you incomplete in some way. I’ve always remembered that word because, in its definition as well as the way it feels being said, it captures so much more eloquently how I feel when I miss someone. The word is saudade, but the last d comes off as more of a soft g when he said it. It’s such a beautiful word to describe such an unwelcome feeling.
I’m always missing someone lately it seems. Missing old friends. Missing old loves. Just missing. And I can honestly say that the Portuguese way of summing that up is much closer to how I feel than the simple act of missing someone.
Like even though my strength has multiplied exponentially over the past several months, that there is still a part of me that is not entirely whole because of the lack of these people in my life. While I know I can stand on my own without them, the world is so much more beautiful with them by my side.