I vacillate between spring and fall being my favorite seasons. Usually when spring rolls around after a long hard winter, it is automatically my favorite season. And then when fall finally breaks through the grinding heat of summer, it becomes very near and dear to my heart. But as I was driving home from NM on Friday, I was reminded once more of why spring is my favorite season.
When I was living in Nebraska during college it was, in so many ways, so much easier to mark the passing of the seasons by so much more than the weather. Because I was surrounded by farm and ranch land that was driven to life and death by every touch of weather as well as hands. And I distinctly remember driving through the country on the way to Lincoln at the very beginning of spring and watching the land wake was almost like watching a bruise heal. The bland, ashy, brown, dead fields would slowly start to yellow as the green started poking its head through the brown and then eventually it would yield to full and lush green for just a few days before it all got tilled under again and rendered rich, vibrant brown awaiting crops to start peeking and turn it all green again.
On Friday on the way home I found much the same thing. Except I knew the majority of the land that I could see yellowing would not be tilled under, but would continue through the greening process until it reached the faint sage color that the desert turns in the middle of summer. The brown in the desert is never really vibrant per say, but it is alive in its own steeped in history kind of way.
I love spring. I love watching the earth and the people wake back up after being cooped up inside for so long. I love watching the neighborhood kids swarm to any and all open yards to play whenever they can. I love strawberries and asparagus. I love the red that crosses my cheeks after standing in the sun for too long. I love the awakening and that joy that comes with it.
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
4/13/10
8/28/09
Bliss
I can honestly say that Dave Gahan is the only singer by whom I’ve been completely awe-struck (well, except for David Bowie, but that’s a whole different post). Seeing him in photos or in videos has caused much twitterpation for me over the years. Listening to his voice has moved me to tears on more than one occasion. But all of that pales in comparison to how it was to see him live. Watching him spin with the mic stand across the stage or smile at that crowd’s reactions was almost more than I could take last night. I found myself screaming and bouncing like that 12 year old girl I was when I discovered them.
I almost don’t have any words. Standing there, in the best music venue in the country listening to Depeche Mode move through their set list was just surreal. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t ever get to see them live. That I would just have to settle for turning up the volume way too loud in the car and watching Dave Gahan and Martin Gore and Andy Fletcher float across my mind’s eye.
But there I was. Standing in between M who was able to come by sheer serendipitous circumstances and D who is the only person I’ve ever found who shares my absolute appreciation for the band. My legs aching from dancing and my voice faltering from screaming and excitement.
They played several songs from their new album which brought me a whole new level of appreciation for their new work. And they riled the crowd with the favorites from Violator. And they sent me into bliss with Behind the Wheel, Fly on the Windscreen, Somebody, Stripped and my absolute favorite Never Let Me Down Again. I didn’t get to hear Shake the Disease or Question of Lust, but that’s trivial to the overall set list they delivered. There is simply no way that they could have survived playing for as long as I would have liked.
We sat in post-concert glow watching the crowd file out until the megaphones came out and demanded that we move along. Such a gorgeous night.
I almost don’t have any words. Standing there, in the best music venue in the country listening to Depeche Mode move through their set list was just surreal. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t ever get to see them live. That I would just have to settle for turning up the volume way too loud in the car and watching Dave Gahan and Martin Gore and Andy Fletcher float across my mind’s eye.
But there I was. Standing in between M who was able to come by sheer serendipitous circumstances and D who is the only person I’ve ever found who shares my absolute appreciation for the band. My legs aching from dancing and my voice faltering from screaming and excitement.
They played several songs from their new album which brought me a whole new level of appreciation for their new work. And they riled the crowd with the favorites from Violator. And they sent me into bliss with Behind the Wheel, Fly on the Windscreen, Somebody, Stripped and my absolute favorite Never Let Me Down Again. I didn’t get to hear Shake the Disease or Question of Lust, but that’s trivial to the overall set list they delivered. There is simply no way that they could have survived playing for as long as I would have liked.
We sat in post-concert glow watching the crowd file out until the megaphones came out and demanded that we move along. Such a gorgeous night.
8/9/09
Life in the Slow Lane
**I'm sorry I dropped off the face of the earth without warning!! But I left the state and didn't have any cell service, let alone internet access. So I'm sorry these are all so late, but here they are for your reading enjoyment!**
Among several others of my most attractive personality traits, I think I’ve well documented my lack of patience. I hate waiting. But wait for a couple of weeks I shall have to do. And maybe waiting this time will be a little more bearable because I’m still full of the feeling the interview left me with as well as the joy of seeing friends. I find myself actually looking forward to the upcoming week. Having the opportunity to just hang out with The Girl while The Boy is in school. She and I having the chance to just make up our days as we go along because we have absolutely nothing on our calendar this week. It’s a rare freedom, and I’m intent on enjoying every minute of it.
So in the midst of the waiting, there is actually a whole week to look forward to. Maybe we’ll go to the zoo or the natural history museum. Or maybe I’ll take her swimming. Or just sit out on the front step and laugh as she plays in the sprinklers. I think we’ll go back to the library since she loves it so much.
I’m pretty sure that our neighborhood school starts this week, so she won’t have any friends to play with. It’s really just she and I.
This is a chance for her to be an only child of sorts. The Boy had almost three whole years of being an only child before she came along. But The Girl has never really had the experience of having all of my attention at her beck and call. And I’ve never had it to give. With the prospect of me going back to work full-time and her going to a full day daycare or preschool, the idea of being able to just be with my daughter is rather appealing.
The Boy starting first grade has really reminded me of how fast childhood passes. And with the hopeful possibility of our lives getting a lot faster and busier in the months to come, I’m going to take advantage of this slow time to enjoy my children and my life before change takes over, one way or another.
Among several others of my most attractive personality traits, I think I’ve well documented my lack of patience. I hate waiting. But wait for a couple of weeks I shall have to do. And maybe waiting this time will be a little more bearable because I’m still full of the feeling the interview left me with as well as the joy of seeing friends. I find myself actually looking forward to the upcoming week. Having the opportunity to just hang out with The Girl while The Boy is in school. She and I having the chance to just make up our days as we go along because we have absolutely nothing on our calendar this week. It’s a rare freedom, and I’m intent on enjoying every minute of it.
So in the midst of the waiting, there is actually a whole week to look forward to. Maybe we’ll go to the zoo or the natural history museum. Or maybe I’ll take her swimming. Or just sit out on the front step and laugh as she plays in the sprinklers. I think we’ll go back to the library since she loves it so much.
I’m pretty sure that our neighborhood school starts this week, so she won’t have any friends to play with. It’s really just she and I.
This is a chance for her to be an only child of sorts. The Boy had almost three whole years of being an only child before she came along. But The Girl has never really had the experience of having all of my attention at her beck and call. And I’ve never had it to give. With the prospect of me going back to work full-time and her going to a full day daycare or preschool, the idea of being able to just be with my daughter is rather appealing.
The Boy starting first grade has really reminded me of how fast childhood passes. And with the hopeful possibility of our lives getting a lot faster and busier in the months to come, I’m going to take advantage of this slow time to enjoy my children and my life before change takes over, one way or another.
3/31/09
Truth for Today
“I am committed to the truth, not consistency.” – Gandhi
This is a quote that really strikes home with my heart, but not necessarily my brain. My dad taught me to be as consistent as possible. Pick something to believe in and then defend it to the death. So that’s what I’ve worked on perfecting for the majority of my life. I learned quickly that my formal logic classes in college were most useful when put to the test in a debate. I started researching the topics I felt most passionately about in my free time, just so that I’d be ready for any argument that happened to find me. I was a little obsessive. But I wanted to make sure that I was always ready to win, to prove my point. To be right.
And most of the time I did win. Who knows how right I was in the process, but I was one of the best debaters I knew. And it didn’t matter who I was debating against, friend or foe, no punches were pulled and no feelings considered.
As I’ve gotten older however, my definition of truth has started shifting as I’ve started shifting. I’m finding the ability to see the world as a black and white place is quickly being replaced by a paradigm shift. My own personal paradigm is shifting into something more fluid and defined by my journey and less by my reaction to the newspaper headlines.
Right now my truth is rooted in joy. As I allow myself to rediscover my spirit; excavate it from the years of bullshit under which it’s been, the core of it is joy. Pure, unadulterated joy. And peace. How lovely is that? I’ve always wanted to be described as lovely and now I’m starting to see it in myself. The ability to see myself with clarity is a gift in and of itself, let alone the opportunity to actually be who I am without fear.
For this moment, today, my commitment is to keep uncovering my truth and living it. Living and breathing joy. Allowing it to radiate from my being. Gently diligent instead of compulsively ruthless. Breathing in and breathing out.
This is a quote that really strikes home with my heart, but not necessarily my brain. My dad taught me to be as consistent as possible. Pick something to believe in and then defend it to the death. So that’s what I’ve worked on perfecting for the majority of my life. I learned quickly that my formal logic classes in college were most useful when put to the test in a debate. I started researching the topics I felt most passionately about in my free time, just so that I’d be ready for any argument that happened to find me. I was a little obsessive. But I wanted to make sure that I was always ready to win, to prove my point. To be right.
And most of the time I did win. Who knows how right I was in the process, but I was one of the best debaters I knew. And it didn’t matter who I was debating against, friend or foe, no punches were pulled and no feelings considered.
As I’ve gotten older however, my definition of truth has started shifting as I’ve started shifting. I’m finding the ability to see the world as a black and white place is quickly being replaced by a paradigm shift. My own personal paradigm is shifting into something more fluid and defined by my journey and less by my reaction to the newspaper headlines.
Right now my truth is rooted in joy. As I allow myself to rediscover my spirit; excavate it from the years of bullshit under which it’s been, the core of it is joy. Pure, unadulterated joy. And peace. How lovely is that? I’ve always wanted to be described as lovely and now I’m starting to see it in myself. The ability to see myself with clarity is a gift in and of itself, let alone the opportunity to actually be who I am without fear.
For this moment, today, my commitment is to keep uncovering my truth and living it. Living and breathing joy. Allowing it to radiate from my being. Gently diligent instead of compulsively ruthless. Breathing in and breathing out.
3/30/09
3/26/09 - Day Four
Today was a bit easier to get through. Although I think I’m getting sick again.
When I was preparing to come here I couldn’t wait to get away from my life. To have space and time to just be. And ever since I got here all I want to do is go home. And not just because I’m uncomfortable and this is hard. I miss my babies something fierce. But I always am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I had an image float across my mind this morning of me as a little kid. I was smiling the most glorious smile and it was surrounded by yellow light that was coming from my heart center. Then the image went into warp fashion and I watched that light get covered by layers and layers of fear, sorrow, anger and self-preservation.
The light is still there – at my center. It’s just been covered up by all of this illusion that I’ve bought into and claimed as my identity.
But at my core is pure, unadulterated joy and peace. That was a pretty cool realization because I’ve been thinking that light went out and I’ve been trying to figure out how to re-ignite it. But really I just have to stop believing in the illusion.
So. Letting go. I think I realized there was a part of me that couldn’t let go of my attachments to people because my mind told me that would mean not loving them anymore. That to let them go would be sending them out of my life. That is so wrong. I think letting go of my attachments simply means that I am free to love them where we are. Not based on my attachment to them. That’s actually really cool and gives me so much more leeway to just love unconditionally instead of needing something from them.
So I become free to love my kids simply because I love them, not because I need them to make me feel like the world’s best mother or that I’m needed above all else.
Without attachments I become free to meet people where I am and love thoroughly.
How cool is all that?!?
When I was preparing to come here I couldn’t wait to get away from my life. To have space and time to just be. And ever since I got here all I want to do is go home. And not just because I’m uncomfortable and this is hard. I miss my babies something fierce. But I always am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I had an image float across my mind this morning of me as a little kid. I was smiling the most glorious smile and it was surrounded by yellow light that was coming from my heart center. Then the image went into warp fashion and I watched that light get covered by layers and layers of fear, sorrow, anger and self-preservation.
The light is still there – at my center. It’s just been covered up by all of this illusion that I’ve bought into and claimed as my identity.
But at my core is pure, unadulterated joy and peace. That was a pretty cool realization because I’ve been thinking that light went out and I’ve been trying to figure out how to re-ignite it. But really I just have to stop believing in the illusion.
So. Letting go. I think I realized there was a part of me that couldn’t let go of my attachments to people because my mind told me that would mean not loving them anymore. That to let them go would be sending them out of my life. That is so wrong. I think letting go of my attachments simply means that I am free to love them where we are. Not based on my attachment to them. That’s actually really cool and gives me so much more leeway to just love unconditionally instead of needing something from them.
So I become free to love my kids simply because I love them, not because I need them to make me feel like the world’s best mother or that I’m needed above all else.
Without attachments I become free to meet people where I am and love thoroughly.
How cool is all that?!?