It's a Blech Kind of Day

Do you ever have one of those days where you look at everything you’ve done and everything you’re doing now and just think, huh, wow, I’m just not all that good at much of anything. Yeah. I am having one of those days. It’s an utterly silly day to have, I know that. Rationally. With the rational part of my mind, I know that these sorts of thoughts are silly and useless and do nothing but cosign my own bullshit. But nevertheless, here I am, having one of those days.

As I was driving home from taking The Girl to school I was thinking about all the work I’ve done in fundraising over the last 10 years. And for some reason I could not think of one absolute success through my entire career. There was always something there to taint every single thing that I did right. And the fact that, of my own choosing, I haven’t worked in more than a year and even though this time last year was sending out resumes every single day and never got past a first interview with anyone just seemed to put the last nail in the coffin of my career.

And I’ve committed to writing. Because I have to. It has always been my heart of heart’s passion and it’s time that I stopped talking myself out of it and just did it. But my weekly story deadline is tomorrow and I can easily think of a hundred other things I’d like to do rather than finish this week’s story. Of course, then the little self doubt voice chimes in with “Well, it’s not like you’ve got a huge readership anyway so they probably won’t even notice if you skip a week.” Yeah, not so much with the helpful.

On top of it all, with the severe cold and tons of snow, I have been using TV entirely too much lately. The Girl is bored out of her skull and I’ve got a serious case of “I’m a bad mom” going on.

I know it’s mostly just cabin fever, stress and haywire emotions. And that ultimately, tomorrow will be different. It’s just one of those days.

Next....

As it’s becoming more and more obvious that my career in nonprofit is over, I’ve been spending some time thinking about what’s next. Since we’ve got the bankruptcy in process and our financial woes are going to soon be considerably lessened, I’ve been trying to give myself permission to look at what I want to do from the point of view of what makes me happy, what I feel most passionately about, what makes me want to get up in the morning instead of what I’m qualified for and what’ll pay me the most. And it’s interesting the things that float to the top when you allow yourself to focus on what you really want rather than what you must.

So what gets my blood pumping? Writing and motherhood. Pretty simple really. And I think I’ve known this for a quite a while, it’s just taken me this long to have that fact be ok. And to try to figure out how to do something more with those two passions than just be them; a writer and a mother that is. I’m fairly sure I don’t want to be a freelance writer. I like to write what I want to write too much to write just for the money. So that leaves me writing because I love it, not because I ever expect to be paid or published for it.

That leaves motherhood. How can I kick that up a notch and do more as mother? Bring my passion and love of motherhood to more than just my friends. And I immediately thought of becoming a doula. And to be honest, it’s something I’ve thought would be amazing for quite a while, it’s just not something that I actually let myself think about as a real possibility. But why not? The opportunity to assist women in obtaining the empowered, dream birth they’ve always wanted would be such a gift for me. To be able to advocate on their behalf, to help them plan and realize the labor and birth experience they’ve hoped for would be like making the most nurturing part of my own role as mother tangible.

So let the research and planning begin.

12/11/09 - All for a Good Cause

Every year the big hospice organization that serves the area my parents live in holds a major fundraiser in partnership with the local community college. The art department donates handmade pottery bowls to the event for them to sell for $10 each and you get soup with your bowl as well. It is a lovely idea that so completely embraces the whole idea and purpose of hospice in my opinion. As a career fundraiser it’s so often that you see organizations holding fundraising events that have absolutely nothing to do with their mission. And I have often found myself saying “now tell me again what the hell a silent auction has to do with child welfare?”

But this? This is perfect. You have an organization dedicated to helping patients and their families through the death transition raising money by partnering with a major community based institution whose entire reason for being is to further life through education. Together these two organizations raise money by offering good, homemade, warmth giving soup in the middle of winter served in bowls made by hand with materials from the earth. Maybe I am just feeling overly cheesy tonight, but to me that right there is a circle I want to be a part of.

My mom has been supporting this fundraiser for years and has quite the lovely collection of bowls for her efforts. I have always thought it was a wonderful idea, but haven’t ever been in town visiting when it was happening, until now. Because of the snow days the beginning of the week, my mom has been working all day every day the last three days to get caught up, so I offered to go for her this year since she had to work.

The Girl and I trekked into town to the college campus and wandered around the event looking at pottery and carefully choosing our bowls. She made quite an impression on everyone she met and I walked away knowing that I was not only supporting an organization that does great work in general, but one that will very soon play a pivotal role in my life. And for both, I am immensely grateful.

Tales from the Trenches

My husband is an insurance claims adjuster for a huge company and he occasionally brings home stories that he or one of his coworkers has dealt with during the course of their day. He doesn’t do it often because his area of specialty is bodily injury claims from car accidents. And as much as I try to support him and be interested in what he does, I don’t really have any desire to hear about how many people get hurt every single day. And I’ve made this fact abundantly clear over the last 6 years that he’s been doing this. Having a mother who barely survived a car accident has pretty much put me at saturation when it comes to hearing about vehicle accidents of any kind.

But today, he brought home a story from one of his coworkers that works in the property department and it’s a doozy to be sure. Apparently a man caught a burglar in the house and decided to take action instead of hiding in the closet with his cordless phone waiting for the cops to arrive. So he immobilized the intruder with his own gun and kept him at gunpoint face down on the floor. At which point the cops arrived and shot him. Three times. In the back. And then one more time in the leg. They then proceeded to drag him out onto the porch while they handcuffed the, you know, actual criminal. Then they called the paramedics while the homeowner was laying on his own porch bleeding to death. Oh yeah, and his wife and children were watching the whole thing as well.

As he was relating this story to me over dinner tonight, my mouth was hanging open and I kept expecting him to give me the punch line. But it just kept getting worse! I cannot even imagine how angry this entire family must be, let alone the deep betrayal they must feel. But mostly I was thinking how very, very much I hope they sue the hell out of that police department and I hope that the cops who shot this father and husband have to face him every single day in court.

P/T Conferences and the PTA

We had our first parent/teacher conference for The Boy today. And he is doing fantastic. I am so thrilled with his progress. And I wish you could’ve seen him sitting there, beaming with pride as his teacher went through his portfolio and asked him to explain different projects he had been working on. What they meant, why he chose to draw what he chose. They even did a self evaluation and his almost perfectly matched his teacher’s evaluation of him. Pretty cool when you think about it. Because it means that not only is he looking at himself realistically, but also that he has the confidence built already to be able to know when he’s doing well and being successful. And you can’t beat that with a stick. I mean the boy is 6 and he already has a clearer, more confident view of himself than most adults I know. I’m so proud of him I could burst. Can you tell?

His school is going through some pretty radical administrative changes. I’m pretty positive that they won’t affect his classroom experience, but I’m glad that the school is getting out from underneath a really toxic administrative tie. It will free the people who actually make the school a success to continue all of the good work they’ve started.

It also has me thinking about getting more involved. I’m actually thinking about joining the PTA, although my limited experience with PTA’s has me fairly soured on the whole prospect, perhaps I could do some good. And I’m thinking about getting involved with the school board now that it’s up and running; volunteering my experience and talents in the fundraising realm to jump start a fundraising committee. With the established administrative ties being broken and the school “going out on its own” as an independent charter school, the state mandated funding will still be in place, but they will surely need to fan the flames of supplementary fundraising and with a quickness.

I love this school. I love what it is doing for my son. So if I can figure out a way to give back, even in the smallest of ways, I’m up for the challenge.

Just a Mom

I read a piece today in a newly discovered magazine – Get Born – that really spoke to where I am right now. The author was writing about how embarrassed she was to admit that she is “just a mom.” Knowing full well that under that embarrassment was indignation at forcing herself to add the “just” in there. And I am so there.

I started my own business when The Boy was born so I could work from home. A year ago I decided to go back to work full-time (i.e. steady paycheck instead of unsteady contract work) in the face of our disintegrating financial situation and I’ve thoroughly documented my journey towards that end. It’s just become abundantly clear to me that the universe wants me right where I am for some reason or another. Here, present, with my children and family as my first priority. Out of nonprofit and away from fundraising. And for the first time since becoming a mother I have to now say that I am a stay at home mom. And there is a large part of me that feels utterly defeated in that statement.

I vividly remember wishing that I could just take the time to focus on my kids when I was working. I remember wishing for the client juggling to stop and the deadlines to ease. I just wanted the time to paint and frolic and be with these children who were growing so fast. And now I have it. And for that I’m completely grateful.

But that over-achiever in me that lurks just under the surface has its hackles raised at the idea of “just” being a stay at home mom. And even though the number of stay at home moms that I have in my life far outweigh the number of working mothers, I still feel like I’m letting my friends down. From what no one knows, but the feeling is there nonetheless.

I can rattle off hundreds of things that I do in a day or week or month. Important, necessary, even vital things that I do to keep my family humming along. How much longer can I justify devaluing my work in this family?

Another Opportunity

I scored another job interview today. It’s a position that I wasn’t sure about when I applied for it. Mostly just because the job advertisement didn’t explain it very thoroughly. But the human resources person called me today and she explained it more explicitly and I think it’s a job that I am completely qualified for, but would be really different from anything I’ve ever done before. First of all, it is a business, not a nonprofit and I haven’t worked outside of the nonprofit realm since I was in high school. Secondly, the company has 1,300 employees. Holy shit!! Not only has it been about 7 years since I worked in an office to begin with, but I’ve never worked in an office that big.

The idea of it is pretty daunting because of the sheer size and how long it’s been since I have had to really answer to someone else. I’ve essentially been my own boss for the last 7 years and when I was working with other people, it was mostly working with peers. It has been a long time since I’ve been immersed in a traditional office hierarchy. And I still maintain that I don’t play all that well with others.

The flip side is that the idea of working with that many people, of being a bit anonymous is kind of exciting. To just be able to put my head down and do what is assigned to me. Not having to worry about the huge decisions, not having to be the point of contact for clients. Just doing the express job that is put in front of me and then going home sounds extremely appealing right about now. And the idea of working with that many people would open up a totally new social atmosphere for me that I haven’t had access to for quite a while.

I’ve spent the last several years juggling being home with the kiddos while trying to run my business and I’m so tired of it I can hardly see straight. Aside from the tremendous help the steady paycheck will lend our financial situation, I just can’t wait to physically go back to work!

Flailing in Place

I’m trying to come up with a name for this project I’m working on. That seems a fair place to start when taking on a task like starting a foundation from scratch at the same time as staying home with both children, figuring out each moment as it comes hurtling at me and doing several pro bono projects for people I love and want to see succeed.

I’m feeling rather overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed because I can’t quite seem to get things to line up the way I’d like so that I can start making substantial plans. So that I can start making strides forward instead of feeling like my feet are staked to the ground while the rest of me is flailing about trying to keep some semblance of balance. Where’s the stake remover when you need one?

At the same time however, I’m feeling really very exhilarated at the chance to be helping out these people that I adore and have such deep respect for the work they take on so selflessly. I feel really honored that they would trust me with helping them in this transitional and vulnerable stage with their work. And I feel blessed that I have the knowledge I have so that I can truly be of assistance to them. And this foundation idea is really going in my head, blooming and taking on a life of its own to some extent.

I think one of my problems right now is that I really am a behind the scenes kind of girl. I have a hard time being in the spotlight. I have a hard time commanding attention. I have a problem with being timid when I should be thoroughly empowered and asking for what I want and need. And I’m not altogether sure how to make that timidity fade into the background so that I can step through it and be who I am in a way that gets things done with the big power broker muckety mucks that are often the gate keepers.

I’m just going to cross my fingers that simply being who I am in every moment will get me where I want to be.