Purpose

I’ve pretty much spent the entire last 18 months in constant drama and trauma. There have been tremendous amounts of upheaval, fear, anger, sorrow, frustration and discouragement. There have been countless days of feeling like I was walking through life in a coma of heightened emotion. Where it felt like I had reached my own personal threshold for feeling; as if there was no way I could possible feel anything else. I have fought and clawed my way back from insanity and apathy so many times I’ve lost count. And it feels like my very DNA has been irrevocably changed forever.

I have had to open myself in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I’ve had to confront and dismiss demons that have plagued me for more years than I’d like to admit. I’ve had to re-learn how to trust, both myself and others. I’ve had to redefine what joy and love and hope mean. It’s as if my very being has dilated.

So where does all of this spiritual pontificating leave me?

Raw. And with the ability to be utterly, profoundly present in every single moment. I never could have imagined that this combination would leave me with much but a teary short attention span. But instead it’s given me an intimate understanding of faith, which is an animal that I’ve been chasing for all my life. And once that level of faith had entered my being, any feeling of impermanence simply vanished. I always imagined being rooted in the moment would make me long for the big picture view, but I never dreamed that I’d get a picture in picture perspective.

And in the end I feel like I’m getting closer to my purpose. And it has nothing to do with any of my previously preconceived notions. It means having the audacity to be unabashedly me in every single moment. In all my different incarnations, wearing all my different hats, using all my best voices, strutting in my favorite shoes, laughing and crying with abandon and utterly embracing life as it arrives on my doorstep. Giving myself permission to simply love, without fear, because it’s what I’m the very best at doing.

Truth for Today

“I am committed to the truth, not consistency.” – Gandhi

This is a quote that really strikes home with my heart, but not necessarily my brain. My dad taught me to be as consistent as possible. Pick something to believe in and then defend it to the death. So that’s what I’ve worked on perfecting for the majority of my life. I learned quickly that my formal logic classes in college were most useful when put to the test in a debate. I started researching the topics I felt most passionately about in my free time, just so that I’d be ready for any argument that happened to find me. I was a little obsessive. But I wanted to make sure that I was always ready to win, to prove my point. To be right.

And most of the time I did win. Who knows how right I was in the process, but I was one of the best debaters I knew. And it didn’t matter who I was debating against, friend or foe, no punches were pulled and no feelings considered.

As I’ve gotten older however, my definition of truth has started shifting as I’ve started shifting. I’m finding the ability to see the world as a black and white place is quickly being replaced by a paradigm shift. My own personal paradigm is shifting into something more fluid and defined by my journey and less by my reaction to the newspaper headlines.

Right now my truth is rooted in joy. As I allow myself to rediscover my spirit; excavate it from the years of bullshit under which it’s been, the core of it is joy. Pure, unadulterated joy. And peace. How lovely is that? I’ve always wanted to be described as lovely and now I’m starting to see it in myself. The ability to see myself with clarity is a gift in and of itself, let alone the opportunity to actually be who I am without fear.

For this moment, today, my commitment is to keep uncovering my truth and living it. Living and breathing joy. Allowing it to radiate from my being. Gently diligent instead of compulsively ruthless. Breathing in and breathing out.