Ok, so I’ve now had two ultrasounds and the absolutely, positively last word on the subject is that there is only one baby in my belly. I had the second ultrasound yesterday and I made sure the tech looked everywhere a second one could possibly be hiding and she was willing to stake her job on the fact that there’s only one in there. But there is still the issue of why I’m so big already, which apparently can be explained by a couple of different things. The first of which is that this is our third baby and a woman’s body tends to just really know what it’s doing by this point and lets it all hang out, so to speak. The second of which is that I’ve got a good sized fibroid attached to the wall of my uterus which is making me seem bigger than I am because it’s taking up space where there normally wouldn’t be anything taking up space quite yet.
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
4/20/10
Ultrasound #2
4/15/10
Friends and Buns
Since I know that I’ll be heading back down to NM the end of the month for at least a long weekend and most likely for longer, I decided to do whatever I could to have the three weeks I have at home to be as chock full of friends as I could possibly make them. And I’m doing pretty well so far. I got to spend all morning with L and her sweet new kiddo L, which was a special treat since we almost never get to spend several hours together just chatting and hanging out.
We have a playdate set for tomorrow afternoon with some other friends who had moved away for a while and are now back after The Boy’s parent/teach conference. Then I’m going out for tea tomorrow evening with dearest L, who is another friend I don’t get to see nearly enough.
And I’m getting daily interaction with the new neighborhood moms by whom I’ve been adopted and the kids are loving being able to play without time limits while I’m chatting away.
I get to have coffee with sweet E and baby L (so many L’s in my life!) next week. And I’m trying to get a lunch or brunch date worked out with T since it’s been way too long since I’ve seen her.
I’m stocking up on my social interactions I think. Recharging after being in isolation for so long. Catching up with the people in my life whom I adore and who make my life here so much more fun to live. Hopefully I’ll be able to fill out the rest of next week and the week after with more girlfriends I haven’t seen in at least a month.
Oh, and as a funny aside, I’ve now taken The Girl to school twice since I’ve started showing but haven’t made a huge announcement and the looks on everyone’s faces both days this week have been pretty funny. They don’t know if I’ve been eating boxes and boxes of bonbons whilst taking care of my dying father or if I’ve got another bun in the oven, but they’re all too polite to ask. It’s pretty funny actually.
We have a playdate set for tomorrow afternoon with some other friends who had moved away for a while and are now back after The Boy’s parent/teach conference. Then I’m going out for tea tomorrow evening with dearest L, who is another friend I don’t get to see nearly enough.
And I’m getting daily interaction with the new neighborhood moms by whom I’ve been adopted and the kids are loving being able to play without time limits while I’m chatting away.
I get to have coffee with sweet E and baby L (so many L’s in my life!) next week. And I’m trying to get a lunch or brunch date worked out with T since it’s been way too long since I’ve seen her.
I’m stocking up on my social interactions I think. Recharging after being in isolation for so long. Catching up with the people in my life whom I adore and who make my life here so much more fun to live. Hopefully I’ll be able to fill out the rest of next week and the week after with more girlfriends I haven’t seen in at least a month.
Oh, and as a funny aside, I’ve now taken The Girl to school twice since I’ve started showing but haven’t made a huge announcement and the looks on everyone’s faces both days this week have been pretty funny. They don’t know if I’ve been eating boxes and boxes of bonbons whilst taking care of my dying father or if I’ve got another bun in the oven, but they’re all too polite to ask. It’s pretty funny actually.
4/14/10 - Daily Rundown
The migraine plague has returned full force, so I’m sorry, but you’re getting a rundown of my day today and that’s about all I can offer.
The Girl and I got to listen to the baby’s heartbeat for the first time this morning. And I got my OB thinking again that I might have more than one in there. Apparently I’m quite a bit bigger than I should be at this point (yeah, I knew that already), so she ordered another ultra sound to be done on Monday to see for sure if I’ve got one or two in there. The Girl got quite the kick out of hearing the heartbeat and it never ceases to make me smile too. Such a cool thing.
And I’ve apparently been adopted into the neighborhood stay at home mom coalition. Because every time I step outside I get surrounded by neighbor moms wanting and needing to chat. I’ve always kind of been a loner in this neighborhood with the exception of a few people that I really connected with. But this group of women just decided they weren’t taking no for an answer anymore and I must say that I’m actually pretty happy about it. They are all military wives so I get to continue asking all the questions I used to ask of L when she lived next door and The Boy and The Girl adore all of their children. C lives next door in L and B’s old house, A lives across the street and has 5 boys, K lives next door to A and has 3 boys, S lives down the street and has 2 boys. So pretty much The Boy is in heaven in this neighborhood and The Girl would do almost anything to have a girl to play with. But in the meantime is totally happy kicking all the boys’ butts at sword play and Avatar.
So we hung out and chatted while cussing out cars driving entirely too fast down our street and reminding the kids to watch for cars as they rode their bikes up and down the street.
It was a good day, even if the migraine plague has returned.
The Girl and I got to listen to the baby’s heartbeat for the first time this morning. And I got my OB thinking again that I might have more than one in there. Apparently I’m quite a bit bigger than I should be at this point (yeah, I knew that already), so she ordered another ultra sound to be done on Monday to see for sure if I’ve got one or two in there. The Girl got quite the kick out of hearing the heartbeat and it never ceases to make me smile too. Such a cool thing.
And I’ve apparently been adopted into the neighborhood stay at home mom coalition. Because every time I step outside I get surrounded by neighbor moms wanting and needing to chat. I’ve always kind of been a loner in this neighborhood with the exception of a few people that I really connected with. But this group of women just decided they weren’t taking no for an answer anymore and I must say that I’m actually pretty happy about it. They are all military wives so I get to continue asking all the questions I used to ask of L when she lived next door and The Boy and The Girl adore all of their children. C lives next door in L and B’s old house, A lives across the street and has 5 boys, K lives next door to A and has 3 boys, S lives down the street and has 2 boys. So pretty much The Boy is in heaven in this neighborhood and The Girl would do almost anything to have a girl to play with. But in the meantime is totally happy kicking all the boys’ butts at sword play and Avatar.
So we hung out and chatted while cussing out cars driving entirely too fast down our street and reminding the kids to watch for cars as they rode their bikes up and down the street.
It was a good day, even if the migraine plague has returned.
4/10/10
4/6/10 - 0 to 60
I feel like this pregnancy has taken me from 0 to 60. I know I’ve written about this before. Like last week I think. But seriously. I’m just so not accustomed to doing pregnancy at this kind of warp speed. Typically my pregnancies take a bit of time to ramp up. I sort of slowly start rounding (more than I already am that is). Mostly the things I’m feeling are entirely internal, i.e. fatigue, some nausea, aches and pains. It’s really not until about half way through that someone could look at me on the street and know that I was pregnant and not just falling prey to whatever holiday associated candy happens to be lining the aisles. I’m tall and I am blessed with breeder hips so I carry well and covertly until my belly literally just pops.
This time however, I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant. And here I am, only 12 weeks into this journey and I already look 20 weeks pregnant. There’s no mistaking this belly for chocolate bunny over indulgence.
And I’m sorry to keep going on and on about this. It’s just got me totally shocked. I am sure it’s just that this is the third baby and my body is ramping up more quickly because it’s done this before so successfully. It’s probably just totally in “Oh honey, I got this!” mode. Except for the fact that friends and family keep saying, without prompting, that I should get ready for twins. Or asking how the twins are doing. Or wondering if twins run in our families. It’s a strange thing that has me totally paranoid. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would welcome the opportunity to have twins. Yes, the idea of it scares me silly and puts in doubt my patience and sanity levels. But at the end of the day there’s some symmetry in it that I find really appealing and it would mean that I would get two sweet babies to snuggle with at once. But at this point, it’s all projection. Again, here I am projecting.
Back to the here and now. With my quickly growing belly and equally large curiosity.
This time however, I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant. And here I am, only 12 weeks into this journey and I already look 20 weeks pregnant. There’s no mistaking this belly for chocolate bunny over indulgence.
And I’m sorry to keep going on and on about this. It’s just got me totally shocked. I am sure it’s just that this is the third baby and my body is ramping up more quickly because it’s done this before so successfully. It’s probably just totally in “Oh honey, I got this!” mode. Except for the fact that friends and family keep saying, without prompting, that I should get ready for twins. Or asking how the twins are doing. Or wondering if twins run in our families. It’s a strange thing that has me totally paranoid. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would welcome the opportunity to have twins. Yes, the idea of it scares me silly and puts in doubt my patience and sanity levels. But at the end of the day there’s some symmetry in it that I find really appealing and it would mean that I would get two sweet babies to snuggle with at once. But at this point, it’s all projection. Again, here I am projecting.
Back to the here and now. With my quickly growing belly and equally large curiosity.
4/1/10
3/28/10 - Love and Birthday Presents
I adore all of my friends’ children. They are amazing, adorable little creatures (some not so little anymore) that I immediately love on sight because of my attachment to their parents. But there are a couple that I just really love. Like my own love. Maybe because I’m particularly close to their parents or because the kiddos and I have forged a special bond of our own. Whatever the cause, one of those babies is turning two this upcoming week. And here’s the kicker, he’s only about 3 hours away from my parents’ house. His birthday party was yesterday and I seriously considered driving down to crash the party, but couldn’t quite eek the gas money out of our budget. And it would have had me driving home around midnight. Which given my proclivity for falling asleep anytime I sit still for more than a handful of minutes right now, I didn’t think would be such a great set up.
So instead my mom, the kids and I went to this awesome toy store we discovered several years ago in Durango. It’s just a super cool, laid back, locally owned kind of toy store with super cool toys stacked deep and piled high everywhere you look. There are train tracks out for the kids to play with and blocks and any number of other fun things. And, there’s a cat. Very possibly the sweetest cat ever (as she would have to be to live in a toy store where she is constantly being stalked and pounced upon by over excited children of all ages). So between the toys and the cat, my kids were in hog heaven. And my mom reached back into her childhood and I could hear her giggling from the front of the store over the bin of windup toys she had found.
I found my sweet, little guy C some awesome puzzles to challenge his already genius level mind as well as a huge book of stickers to carry on the new infatuation that The Girl started with him over Christmas. C’s mom will probably want to kill me for the latter present, but all’s fair in love and birthday presents.
So instead my mom, the kids and I went to this awesome toy store we discovered several years ago in Durango. It’s just a super cool, laid back, locally owned kind of toy store with super cool toys stacked deep and piled high everywhere you look. There are train tracks out for the kids to play with and blocks and any number of other fun things. And, there’s a cat. Very possibly the sweetest cat ever (as she would have to be to live in a toy store where she is constantly being stalked and pounced upon by over excited children of all ages). So between the toys and the cat, my kids were in hog heaven. And my mom reached back into her childhood and I could hear her giggling from the front of the store over the bin of windup toys she had found.
I found my sweet, little guy C some awesome puzzles to challenge his already genius level mind as well as a huge book of stickers to carry on the new infatuation that The Girl started with him over Christmas. C’s mom will probably want to kill me for the latter present, but all’s fair in love and birthday presents.
3/26/10
3/24/10 - Growth Spurt
There must be twins in there. Good God. I’m now 10 weeks along and I am officially out of all my regular pants. Even my great big jeans that I typically cannot wear without a tightly cinched belt are too tight. I am noticeably showing which I think shocks me more than anything because I’m not a small woman. So it typically takes me a bit longer to really look pregnant instead of just “fluffy” around the middle. But there is a bump. Staring back at me in the mirror. Making my shirts poke out in strange ways and buttoning my jeans make me gasp for breath.
And I’m still feeling pretty good. Although I think I can tell when this kid is going through growth spurts because there is a marked change in my appetite and level of fatigue. I mean, I’m pretty much tired all the time, don’t get me wrong, but the last day or so I’m falling asleep if I sit still for longer than 2 minutes. And things go downhill fast if I don’t eat the minute I notice I’m hungry. Like break out in a cold sweat, come close to fainting in the middle of Target, shaking violently downhill.
It’s a strange limbo though. There is a part of me that knows that I’m pregnant, that is still doing cartwheels with excitement. And then there is the part of me that is so wrapped up here with my kids and my Dad that I keep forgetting there’s a little bean in there and that yes, it’s entirely appropriate for me to eat several times a day and that I must remember to drink more water. But ultimately it just adds a nice shining light to the overall peace I’m in right now. Which is definitely a big bonus to be sure. I know that the peace I’m so grateful for right now could shift at any moment if I let it. Could easily be eaten again by anger or impatience. So I’m hoping between the two that perhaps they can support each other, give each other strength and perseverance. To keep growing and blossoming in their own gorgeous ways.
And I’m still feeling pretty good. Although I think I can tell when this kid is going through growth spurts because there is a marked change in my appetite and level of fatigue. I mean, I’m pretty much tired all the time, don’t get me wrong, but the last day or so I’m falling asleep if I sit still for longer than 2 minutes. And things go downhill fast if I don’t eat the minute I notice I’m hungry. Like break out in a cold sweat, come close to fainting in the middle of Target, shaking violently downhill.
It’s a strange limbo though. There is a part of me that knows that I’m pregnant, that is still doing cartwheels with excitement. And then there is the part of me that is so wrapped up here with my kids and my Dad that I keep forgetting there’s a little bean in there and that yes, it’s entirely appropriate for me to eat several times a day and that I must remember to drink more water. But ultimately it just adds a nice shining light to the overall peace I’m in right now. Which is definitely a big bonus to be sure. I know that the peace I’m so grateful for right now could shift at any moment if I let it. Could easily be eaten again by anger or impatience. So I’m hoping between the two that perhaps they can support each other, give each other strength and perseverance. To keep growing and blossoming in their own gorgeous ways.
3/10/10
Travel Plans and Reminders
Our trip to NM has been delayed yet again. This time by weather. My parents got a big snowstorm last night and it appears that same storm is on its way here as our sunny day deteriorated into flurries and freezing temps. So now I’m shooting for a Saturday departure. It’s supposed to warm up again by Friday so a day of sun should give the passes time to melt and return to asphalt. Plus it gives me more time to finish laundry, get audio books and pack. As well as letting The Boy finish out the week of school since he’ll be missing two weeks of school which makes me a little nervous. And hopefully The Girl will go to school again tomorrow morning. I say hopefully because her eye is red and now I’m all paranoid about her having pink eye after her teacher made a huge deal out of it.
And this whole, “we’re having another baby” thing is now really real. Not that it hasn’t been. But with my OB appointment yesterday, we officially let the cat out of the bag and have been spreading the good news far and wide. Now that people know, it gives the whole thing a bit more of a tangible feel. Well that and the fact that I’m sitting here in maternity pants because my burgeoning belly is sizing me out of almost all of my pants.
After thinking about it for a while, the best thing about going to see my OB yesterday was that she was excited with me, chatty and did not even once mention my weight. I gained some weight over the holidays what with all the cooking I was doing for my dad and then I got knocked up before I could get it off again. So I’m starting this pregnancy a bit heavier than I’d like. But not once did my doctor say anything about that. Reminding me that she trusts my body to gain whatever weight it needs to grow a healthy baby. Reminding me that what’s important here is the new little fuzzhead that will be joining our family, not what size I am. I needed that.
And this whole, “we’re having another baby” thing is now really real. Not that it hasn’t been. But with my OB appointment yesterday, we officially let the cat out of the bag and have been spreading the good news far and wide. Now that people know, it gives the whole thing a bit more of a tangible feel. Well that and the fact that I’m sitting here in maternity pants because my burgeoning belly is sizing me out of almost all of my pants.
After thinking about it for a while, the best thing about going to see my OB yesterday was that she was excited with me, chatty and did not even once mention my weight. I gained some weight over the holidays what with all the cooking I was doing for my dad and then I got knocked up before I could get it off again. So I’m starting this pregnancy a bit heavier than I’d like. But not once did my doctor say anything about that. Reminding me that she trusts my body to gain whatever weight it needs to grow a healthy baby. Reminding me that what’s important here is the new little fuzzhead that will be joining our family, not what size I am. I needed that.
3/9/10
Good News to Share!
I’ve got some good news to share, finally. I am pregnant! I had my first OB appointment today and everything is where it should be and looking perfectly healthy, happy and on track. Although my doctor got my heart beating a bit when she wanted to do an ultrasound immediately following my exam because she thought I might have twins in there. But there’s just the one little bean, that we could see anyway. She said that it was possible there was another bean hiding behind the first one, but she didn’t think so. We’ll know for certain as I get farther along I suppose. I’m due mid-October, which I’m not exactly sure why I thought was a good idea. Since I swore that I would never, ever do my third trimester in the middle of summer after The Boy. And here I am, doing it again. But I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a cool summer, or for my husband to get a raise so that we can afford me to have the air conditioning running full tilt for three solid months.
Speaking of my husband, he’s ecstatic. He would have been telling people several weeks ago if I’d have let him. He’s convinced it’s a boy and he’s already got the kid named. I keep trying to tell him that it doesn’t even know what it is yet. But he doesn’t seem to care.
I think we will wait until I’m showing a bit to tell the kids so they have something more tangible to focus on. Although I think that will probably be sooner rather than later with this one as every single pair of my pants are already uncomfortably tight, which is mildly infuriating. But at least I get to change up my wardrobe now. Granted, it’s with the introduction of maternity clothes, but still, they are clothes I haven’t worn in almost 4 years.
And I’m excited. Really excited. Thrilled that it finally happened before I lost my dad. Thrilled at the prospect of a new little person entering our family. Just keeping my fingers crossed for a healthy baby and an easy pregnancy. Cross yours with me, would you?
Speaking of my husband, he’s ecstatic. He would have been telling people several weeks ago if I’d have let him. He’s convinced it’s a boy and he’s already got the kid named. I keep trying to tell him that it doesn’t even know what it is yet. But he doesn’t seem to care.
I think we will wait until I’m showing a bit to tell the kids so they have something more tangible to focus on. Although I think that will probably be sooner rather than later with this one as every single pair of my pants are already uncomfortably tight, which is mildly infuriating. But at least I get to change up my wardrobe now. Granted, it’s with the introduction of maternity clothes, but still, they are clothes I haven’t worn in almost 4 years.
And I’m excited. Really excited. Thrilled that it finally happened before I lost my dad. Thrilled at the prospect of a new little person entering our family. Just keeping my fingers crossed for a healthy baby and an easy pregnancy. Cross yours with me, would you?
3/4/10
Ode to Immune Systems and Baby!
The Boy must have an immune system like a friggin’ tank. I’m tellin’ ya’. When we put him to bed last night, he had a 104 degree fever, had been projectile vomiting all afternoon, had the croup and was basically the sickest he has been in a very long time. When he woke up this morning, he was fever free, vomit free, breathing freely and essentially back to himself. I still kept him home from school though, mostly because if he was still contagious I didn’t want him spreading this plague to someone else. Also, I didn’t want to have to go pick him up should his fever and/or vomit return. I know, I am such a super compassionate mom. But he’s definitely going back to school tomorrow. He’s kept all his food down today, had no return of the fever and been back to my sweet boy again. For which I am utterly grateful. He so rarely gets sick anymore that when he gets that sick, it freaks me out just a little.
The Girl seems to be fine so far (knocking on wood, furiously) and other than being stuffy, I appear to be fine too (screw it, I am just going to make sure some part of me is always touching and/or tapping wood until summer arrives).
On a decidedly non-sickness related note, my college roommate and her husband just got word last night that they were chosen by a birth mother to adopt her little boy!! So they are going to be parents in about a week and a half, if everything continues to go along as planned. I am so excited for them I could bust. I mean seriously. I’d do almost anything to be there with them to go shopping and put together furniture and move stuff around. I would just love to be there with them through this amazing time. But they know I’m there in spirit and I’ve told C to call me anytime for anything. I can’t wait to see pictures of the little guy, I’m just so excited! I said that already didn’t I? Fine. I’ll just go back to planning their new parent/baby care package.
The Girl seems to be fine so far (knocking on wood, furiously) and other than being stuffy, I appear to be fine too (screw it, I am just going to make sure some part of me is always touching and/or tapping wood until summer arrives).
On a decidedly non-sickness related note, my college roommate and her husband just got word last night that they were chosen by a birth mother to adopt her little boy!! So they are going to be parents in about a week and a half, if everything continues to go along as planned. I am so excited for them I could bust. I mean seriously. I’d do almost anything to be there with them to go shopping and put together furniture and move stuff around. I would just love to be there with them through this amazing time. But they know I’m there in spirit and I’ve told C to call me anytime for anything. I can’t wait to see pictures of the little guy, I’m just so excited! I said that already didn’t I? Fine. I’ll just go back to planning their new parent/baby care package.
2/23/10
All you Need is Love
I got to spend some time with my dearest L this morning. The Girl and her youngest go to the same preschool so we occasionally are able to use our morning free time to just hang out and chat over a cup of coffee. With my self-isolation and unpleasant to be around anger as of late, it’s been a while since we’ve been able to hang out. It was much needed and really lovely.
L is an international adoption social worker and if there was ever a person better suited to her work, I don’t know who they are. She is a deeply intuitive person who is easy to trust, easy to talk to and truly enjoys her work. I just adore her and she is an incredibly important part of my life.
And she’s having a hard time right now. One of her families had a complete meltdown and after bringing home this gorgeous girl from Korea decided that they could not be her forever family after all. So L and her husband agreed to provide temporary foster care for this sweet baby girl until the adoption agency could meet with other families who are waiting for children to which to give homes. I got to meet this baby girl this morning and I loved her immediately. And so does L. It is such a tremendously hard thing to bring a baby into your home who needs nothing but love from you and not fall in love with her.
The situation all around is just so heartbreaking. The family who were originally going to adopt her are heartbroken that they’ve failed this sweet girl. L is heartbroken for not seeing the lack of commitment in this family sooner in the process. And this sweet girl’s heart is broken for not having a forever family yet. It is just a truly agonizing situation for everyone involved. But of course, L, being the amazing woman that she is, is just completely focused on showering this baby with the love that she needs.
It was such a lovely morning to sit with a gorgeous friend and just love her and this baby girl with everything I have.
L is an international adoption social worker and if there was ever a person better suited to her work, I don’t know who they are. She is a deeply intuitive person who is easy to trust, easy to talk to and truly enjoys her work. I just adore her and she is an incredibly important part of my life.
And she’s having a hard time right now. One of her families had a complete meltdown and after bringing home this gorgeous girl from Korea decided that they could not be her forever family after all. So L and her husband agreed to provide temporary foster care for this sweet baby girl until the adoption agency could meet with other families who are waiting for children to which to give homes. I got to meet this baby girl this morning and I loved her immediately. And so does L. It is such a tremendously hard thing to bring a baby into your home who needs nothing but love from you and not fall in love with her.
The situation all around is just so heartbreaking. The family who were originally going to adopt her are heartbroken that they’ve failed this sweet girl. L is heartbroken for not seeing the lack of commitment in this family sooner in the process. And this sweet girl’s heart is broken for not having a forever family yet. It is just a truly agonizing situation for everyone involved. But of course, L, being the amazing woman that she is, is just completely focused on showering this baby with the love that she needs.
It was such a lovely morning to sit with a gorgeous friend and just love her and this baby girl with everything I have.
1/13/10
Baby on the Brain
Babies, babies everywhere!! It’s one of those things where I don’t know if I am just paying more attention because I’ve got babies on the brain or if they really are just everywhere right now. But I just had two friends have babies, another is due any day and three more are just out of their first trimesters. And dearest C and her husband are in the waiting process of adopting a baby. They are everywhere I tell you, everywhere!
1/7/10
Sucktastic Day
I know I’ve been doing a lot of very boring “recounting my days” posts lately. And I’m sure that’s because I’ve been so preoccupied with my first story for the new blog (www.write 52in52.blogspot.com just in case you forgot). But I got that sucker finished last night and went ahead and posted it a day early. It’s loose and a bit sloppy in places. It wanders a bit and isn’t entirely focused where I wanted. But there might be some good stuff in there. Maybe some good jumping off points, some nice use of language and perhaps an intriguing character or two. I don’t know, what do you think? (Hint, hint, hint.)
10/20/09
Proof of Power
Becoming a mother was a top to bottom change of state for me. Pretty much everything I thought was true changed the moment I got knocked up. Most of it for the better, some of it I lost myself to, and although the road back has been long I’m still not sure it wasn’t worth it.
Even on my most frustrated, at the end of my rope, want to duct tape the children’s mouths shut and put them in the closet days, being a mother resonates in a very deep part of my soul. Even when I’m not at all sure that my mothering techniques are up to snuff, I always have complete confidence in being a mother.
But one of the most tangible parts of becoming a mother for me has been getting comfortable in my own skin again. I have always been at war with my body image. Even when I was thin and healthy and gorgeous, I just couldn’t see myself very clearly. Since the stretch marks have marathoned across the length of my stomach and my hips (and feet) have widened and my boobs have gravitated towards my belly button in an attempt to commune with the depths that reside there, I’ve mostly just tried to ignore my body image. And my body. It serves its purpose well and I’m grateful for that, but I’d rather just pretend that I’m always wearing an invisibility cloak.
The journey undertaken this past year however has brought some much needed perspective when it comes to my appearance (thanks to the Mojo Boots for bringing me back my sass). And even though it makes me sick (in the best possible way) when all of my friends look as if they’ve never been pregnant 2.7 minutes after birthing their children, there is a part of me that has become deeply grateful for the fact that there is physical evidence of having my two babies.
I’d gladly trade my jeans for a new pair a few sizes smaller any day of the week, but I wouldn’t ever hand over the tangible corroboration of what my body is capable of. That’s empowerment that Mojo Boots just can’t touch.
Even on my most frustrated, at the end of my rope, want to duct tape the children’s mouths shut and put them in the closet days, being a mother resonates in a very deep part of my soul. Even when I’m not at all sure that my mothering techniques are up to snuff, I always have complete confidence in being a mother.
But one of the most tangible parts of becoming a mother for me has been getting comfortable in my own skin again. I have always been at war with my body image. Even when I was thin and healthy and gorgeous, I just couldn’t see myself very clearly. Since the stretch marks have marathoned across the length of my stomach and my hips (and feet) have widened and my boobs have gravitated towards my belly button in an attempt to commune with the depths that reside there, I’ve mostly just tried to ignore my body image. And my body. It serves its purpose well and I’m grateful for that, but I’d rather just pretend that I’m always wearing an invisibility cloak.
The journey undertaken this past year however has brought some much needed perspective when it comes to my appearance (thanks to the Mojo Boots for bringing me back my sass). And even though it makes me sick (in the best possible way) when all of my friends look as if they’ve never been pregnant 2.7 minutes after birthing their children, there is a part of me that has become deeply grateful for the fact that there is physical evidence of having my two babies.
I’d gladly trade my jeans for a new pair a few sizes smaller any day of the week, but I wouldn’t ever hand over the tangible corroboration of what my body is capable of. That’s empowerment that Mojo Boots just can’t touch.
10/10/09
Ramble On
I’m still sick. And I am irritated about it. So I’m just sort of in a rambling mood tonight. Try to bear with me.
My daughter amazes me. I’m not at all sure how someone so small (relatively speaking of course because my children are Sasquatch children) could be so simultaneously irritating and adorable. She has started doing some things that I was dreading about having a girl, i.e. getting totally obsessed with one or two dresses and then refusing to wear anything but those dresses at all times regardless of how many other clothes she has access to or how dirty those two singled out dresses become. She’s also taken to wearing her old baby hats, which would funny enough on its own but then she puts a tiara on top of the teeny tiny hats to make sure they stay on. That paired with the net tutus she puts on over her favorite dresses, accessorized with an assemblage of Mardi gras beads and old thrift store necklaces makes for quite the sight on her little 3 year old self.
I’ve been doing some research for a friend of mine into baby carriers available on thebabywearer.com because I’m trying to get her the hell away from the baby bjorn/snuggli and towards something that will be better and more comfortable for her and baby both. But in the course of spreading the baby wearing love, my own baby carrier obsession has once again arisen. I’m drooling over Eye2Eye mei tai’s and Vatanai wraps and Pslings. It’s awful. I should just stay away from the for sale or trade forum; it gives me the wants something awful. But it is interesting to see what the hot carriers at any given point in time. It changes pretty often; wraps are huge right now whereas the last time I was stalking the FSOT boards it was soft structured carriers.
I got to spend the whole day watching college football. I can’t even remember the last time I got to do that. No kid shows. Just football. I got to watch the Oklahoma AND Michigan games. Now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my fantasy team shows up tomorrow.
My daughter amazes me. I’m not at all sure how someone so small (relatively speaking of course because my children are Sasquatch children) could be so simultaneously irritating and adorable. She has started doing some things that I was dreading about having a girl, i.e. getting totally obsessed with one or two dresses and then refusing to wear anything but those dresses at all times regardless of how many other clothes she has access to or how dirty those two singled out dresses become. She’s also taken to wearing her old baby hats, which would funny enough on its own but then she puts a tiara on top of the teeny tiny hats to make sure they stay on. That paired with the net tutus she puts on over her favorite dresses, accessorized with an assemblage of Mardi gras beads and old thrift store necklaces makes for quite the sight on her little 3 year old self.
I’ve been doing some research for a friend of mine into baby carriers available on thebabywearer.com because I’m trying to get her the hell away from the baby bjorn/snuggli and towards something that will be better and more comfortable for her and baby both. But in the course of spreading the baby wearing love, my own baby carrier obsession has once again arisen. I’m drooling over Eye2Eye mei tai’s and Vatanai wraps and Pslings. It’s awful. I should just stay away from the for sale or trade forum; it gives me the wants something awful. But it is interesting to see what the hot carriers at any given point in time. It changes pretty often; wraps are huge right now whereas the last time I was stalking the FSOT boards it was soft structured carriers.
I got to spend the whole day watching college football. I can’t even remember the last time I got to do that. No kid shows. Just football. I got to watch the Oklahoma AND Michigan games. Now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my fantasy team shows up tomorrow.
8/12/09
Fantasy Research
The Girl tried to bring a baby home in her pocket today. We went to go see J’s brand new baby boy today and The Girl fell promptly in love with him. She held him several times and petted his cheeks and arms and cooed over him. She asked more than once when we could get a baby of our own; when I was going to give her a baby from my belly. “Maybe for Brother’s birthday?” Yeah. That’s a hard conversation to have with a three year old.
The Boy has been begging for a baby too. He has started double-teaming us now by not just asking me, but also asking my husband. We’re being ganged up on. It’s not really all that fair.
I also just realized today that my fantasy football draft is only 9 days away. Eek! As I believe I’ve mentioned before (and if I didn’t I sure as hell should have, it’s serious bragging rights) I am the two time reigning champion of my fantasy football league. This means a couple of things. The first and foremost is that the rest of the league is going to be seriously gunning for me this year. Last year they probably just figured it was a fluke, but then I won again (and stole the title on a rogue game that my opponent should have won), so it’s serious game on this year. And it also means that now I have some serious defending to do. I need to buckle down and get my research done so I can pad my roster with my choice rookies (assuming I don’t get totally hosed in the draft order this year like I did last year) as well as getting my top players.
I play in an all girl, pretty bad ass league made up of some of the smartest, wittiest women I know. So even the banter and trash talk can get intimidating at times. I’m pretty sure the gloves will be off this year. So I need to get all of this baby talk out of my head and concentrate on my pre-draft research already. It’s time to get my priorities in order!
The Boy has been begging for a baby too. He has started double-teaming us now by not just asking me, but also asking my husband. We’re being ganged up on. It’s not really all that fair.
I also just realized today that my fantasy football draft is only 9 days away. Eek! As I believe I’ve mentioned before (and if I didn’t I sure as hell should have, it’s serious bragging rights) I am the two time reigning champion of my fantasy football league. This means a couple of things. The first and foremost is that the rest of the league is going to be seriously gunning for me this year. Last year they probably just figured it was a fluke, but then I won again (and stole the title on a rogue game that my opponent should have won), so it’s serious game on this year. And it also means that now I have some serious defending to do. I need to buckle down and get my research done so I can pad my roster with my choice rookies (assuming I don’t get totally hosed in the draft order this year like I did last year) as well as getting my top players.
I play in an all girl, pretty bad ass league made up of some of the smartest, wittiest women I know. So even the banter and trash talk can get intimidating at times. I’m pretty sure the gloves will be off this year. So I need to get all of this baby talk out of my head and concentrate on my pre-draft research already. It’s time to get my priorities in order!
8/1/09
Baby Shower
I love baby showers. And my dear friend T really should do baby showers as a side business. She just pours love and adoration over the mama to be, tiaras, coordinating tableware, really wonderful handmade favors (we all made S a plate for the baby) and all. I went to another baby shower today for a friend from college. She’s gorgeous and glowing and just looks so thoroughly happy it just makes me smile to be around her. She knows they are having a girl and they have a lovely name picked out with a super sweet story behind it.
It’s so much fun to watch the anticipation build over the months and really start peaking around the baby shower. Mamas to be start absorbing every single piece of baby advice they can get their heads around. They start asking questions and leaning in to listen to answers they never would have dreamed of waiting to hear. They cry all the time and coo over things they never would have given a second glance before. It’s so sweet and beautiful to watch these amazing friends of mine go from strong, independent women to strong, independent expecting mothers.
And I just find myself so grateful to go on even a piece of this journey with them. Motherhood so completely, irrevocably changed who I am as a person that it’s hard for me to remember life before motherhood. To have the chance to watch these ladies embrace this other part of themselves takes me back to the beginning of my own adventure.
When I so desperately wanted to know everything and didn’t. When I couldn’t wait for that moment when I got to meet my first born, but simultaneously terrified to be the adult in the phrase “use only with adult supervision.” The planning and researching and learning. How everything I was positive that I knew changed immediately upon The Boy’s arrival. And how lovely that surprise was in the end, even if it did send me reeling.
I love being a mother. And it’s such a gift to be able to share that love with these women with whom I’ve shared so much of my life.
It’s so much fun to watch the anticipation build over the months and really start peaking around the baby shower. Mamas to be start absorbing every single piece of baby advice they can get their heads around. They start asking questions and leaning in to listen to answers they never would have dreamed of waiting to hear. They cry all the time and coo over things they never would have given a second glance before. It’s so sweet and beautiful to watch these amazing friends of mine go from strong, independent women to strong, independent expecting mothers.
And I just find myself so grateful to go on even a piece of this journey with them. Motherhood so completely, irrevocably changed who I am as a person that it’s hard for me to remember life before motherhood. To have the chance to watch these ladies embrace this other part of themselves takes me back to the beginning of my own adventure.
When I so desperately wanted to know everything and didn’t. When I couldn’t wait for that moment when I got to meet my first born, but simultaneously terrified to be the adult in the phrase “use only with adult supervision.” The planning and researching and learning. How everything I was positive that I knew changed immediately upon The Boy’s arrival. And how lovely that surprise was in the end, even if it did send me reeling.
I love being a mother. And it’s such a gift to be able to share that love with these women with whom I’ve shared so much of my life.
7/19/09
7/18/09 - Logic vs. Heart
***I'm so sorry that I forgot to post this last night!! What can I say, I done got all wrapped up in Weeds.***
Babies, babies everywhere! I am surrounded by babies! Makes the whole “let’s be rational about the decision to have another baby” thing awfully hard. There is absolutely no part of me that wants to be rational when it comes to deciding to have another baby. It completely goes against my nature. And I’m a pretty rational person, overall. I use logic all the time to make decisions, navigate life and exist. I’m a huge believer in logic and reason as a rule.
But when it comes to having babies, I consciously throw reason right out the window. I just don’t think it’s a decision to be made using a rational mind. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s not a whim or an impulse. I spend a lot of time thinking about what time of year I’d like the baby to be born, namely that after being in my third trimester during the hottest part of summer with The Boy, I will never again be pregnant when it’s hot. But also to make sure birthdays are spread out evenly; so that every kiddo has their own birthday and doesn’t have to share it with another holiday or another person’s birthday. I spend an incredibly large amount of time thinking about names; it’s my most favorite part, the choosing of a name. I plan and think and think and plan. But almost all of the planning has to do with after the baby arrives. The actual choice to get all knocked up in the first place? That is something that comes entirely from my heart.
Which would be why we’ve gotten pregnant at two of the worst possible times. With The Boy I had just lost my job and was trying to figure out which way was up. With The Girl I had just landed the job of my dreams and knew it would take an inordinate amount of time, which it did. I just spent all that time trying my best not to throw up all over my board of directors.
Reason dictates that this would be the worst time of all to get pregnant. But man is my heart screaming for it to happen.
Babies, babies everywhere! I am surrounded by babies! Makes the whole “let’s be rational about the decision to have another baby” thing awfully hard. There is absolutely no part of me that wants to be rational when it comes to deciding to have another baby. It completely goes against my nature. And I’m a pretty rational person, overall. I use logic all the time to make decisions, navigate life and exist. I’m a huge believer in logic and reason as a rule.
But when it comes to having babies, I consciously throw reason right out the window. I just don’t think it’s a decision to be made using a rational mind. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s not a whim or an impulse. I spend a lot of time thinking about what time of year I’d like the baby to be born, namely that after being in my third trimester during the hottest part of summer with The Boy, I will never again be pregnant when it’s hot. But also to make sure birthdays are spread out evenly; so that every kiddo has their own birthday and doesn’t have to share it with another holiday or another person’s birthday. I spend an incredibly large amount of time thinking about names; it’s my most favorite part, the choosing of a name. I plan and think and think and plan. But almost all of the planning has to do with after the baby arrives. The actual choice to get all knocked up in the first place? That is something that comes entirely from my heart.
Which would be why we’ve gotten pregnant at two of the worst possible times. With The Boy I had just lost my job and was trying to figure out which way was up. With The Girl I had just landed the job of my dreams and knew it would take an inordinate amount of time, which it did. I just spent all that time trying my best not to throw up all over my board of directors.
Reason dictates that this would be the worst time of all to get pregnant. But man is my heart screaming for it to happen.
7/17/09
Baby Hankering
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” – Groucho Marx
I found this quote today as I was trying to find some sort of inspiration to kick start my writing. And found that it actually got me thinking. That Groucho Marx man, he was a philosopher in sheep’s clothing he was.
When I was four years old, I asked my parents for a big brother for Christmas. It was at the top of my list and really, really important to me. I didn’t get it, of course. There are some things even Santa Claus can’t do. But I did, incidentally, get EVERYTHING else on my wish list that year. I spent much of my childhood hoping for siblings. Even though I knew they would never come. Even though I had surrogate siblings in the form of Brother J and Across the Alley T. My entire childhood is populated with these two friends; they truly were like siblings. Bickering and fighting, coming up with imaginary friends and games, embarking on backyard adventures to rival all. Such sweet memories. But at the end of the day, I came home alone.
So I always knew when it was time for me to become a mother myself, that I would definitely have more than one. And we do. And they are getting so big! The Boy asks me regularly for a little brother, which of course prompts The Girl to ask for a little sister. Which just makes my womb hurt. Because I want more. I have always wanted a big, unruly, boisterous family. Probably exactly because I am a resistant only child. And I have several friends who are having their first babies (J is due today!). One who is going to have their third. And being surrounded by all of this birth and anticipation just makes my womb hurt more.
These critters are expensive however. And getting pregnant while I am trying to go back to work is just about the worst timing ever. And The Girl is finally potty trained, which means no diapers for the first time in almost 6 years.
But man do I want another baby.
I found this quote today as I was trying to find some sort of inspiration to kick start my writing. And found that it actually got me thinking. That Groucho Marx man, he was a philosopher in sheep’s clothing he was.
When I was four years old, I asked my parents for a big brother for Christmas. It was at the top of my list and really, really important to me. I didn’t get it, of course. There are some things even Santa Claus can’t do. But I did, incidentally, get EVERYTHING else on my wish list that year. I spent much of my childhood hoping for siblings. Even though I knew they would never come. Even though I had surrogate siblings in the form of Brother J and Across the Alley T. My entire childhood is populated with these two friends; they truly were like siblings. Bickering and fighting, coming up with imaginary friends and games, embarking on backyard adventures to rival all. Such sweet memories. But at the end of the day, I came home alone.
So I always knew when it was time for me to become a mother myself, that I would definitely have more than one. And we do. And they are getting so big! The Boy asks me regularly for a little brother, which of course prompts The Girl to ask for a little sister. Which just makes my womb hurt. Because I want more. I have always wanted a big, unruly, boisterous family. Probably exactly because I am a resistant only child. And I have several friends who are having their first babies (J is due today!). One who is going to have their third. And being surrounded by all of this birth and anticipation just makes my womb hurt more.
These critters are expensive however. And getting pregnant while I am trying to go back to work is just about the worst timing ever. And The Girl is finally potty trained, which means no diapers for the first time in almost 6 years.
But man do I want another baby.
6/19/09
6/18/09 - Crazy Afternoon
**Once you read yesterday's entry, you'll understand why I am tardy posting it! :)**
The Boy had about 25 other kids in his class while he was in kindergarten. He played with all of them pretty equally and often asked for playdates with several of them. But out of all of those kids, and their mothers, we only really got to know 2 of them. One mother in particular I’ve become really good friends with. She’d just found out she was pregnant with their 5th child when we first started hanging out, so I got to see her go through the whole pregnancy. And it just confirmed my thought that there are just some women who are meant to be pregnant. She is really one of them. Not only did she always look gorgeous, but she never ran out of energy, never used the pregnancy as an excuse to not go for walks around the neighborhood with the other kiddos, never let being pregnant slow her down one little bit. I have a great deal of admiration for her as a woman and a mother.
She had their baby girl about two weeks ago and she’s gorgeous! Of course part of the reason that she does pregnancy so easily could be because her babies are so small (at least compared to mine). The biggest of the 5 was barely over 7lbs. While mine top out at over 9lbs. She had a bit of a traumatic labor and delivery as her placenta tore and her labor stalled out at about 5cm. But baby and mama are now healthy and happy.
Well, at least the baby is. O found several lumps in her breasts the other day. We both initially thought they were just plugged milk ducts. But after much compressing, massaging and icing they weren’t going anywhere fast. So off to the doc she went. They wanted to do further testing pretty immediately, so she called me today in tears asking if her 4 kiddos could come play for the afternoon. Of course!!
So my house was crazy for the entire afternoon with 6 children playing furiously. And we’re waiting for the docs to get their butts in gear and schedule the biopsy. And I’m sending her love and light.
The Boy had about 25 other kids in his class while he was in kindergarten. He played with all of them pretty equally and often asked for playdates with several of them. But out of all of those kids, and their mothers, we only really got to know 2 of them. One mother in particular I’ve become really good friends with. She’d just found out she was pregnant with their 5th child when we first started hanging out, so I got to see her go through the whole pregnancy. And it just confirmed my thought that there are just some women who are meant to be pregnant. She is really one of them. Not only did she always look gorgeous, but she never ran out of energy, never used the pregnancy as an excuse to not go for walks around the neighborhood with the other kiddos, never let being pregnant slow her down one little bit. I have a great deal of admiration for her as a woman and a mother.
She had their baby girl about two weeks ago and she’s gorgeous! Of course part of the reason that she does pregnancy so easily could be because her babies are so small (at least compared to mine). The biggest of the 5 was barely over 7lbs. While mine top out at over 9lbs. She had a bit of a traumatic labor and delivery as her placenta tore and her labor stalled out at about 5cm. But baby and mama are now healthy and happy.
Well, at least the baby is. O found several lumps in her breasts the other day. We both initially thought they were just plugged milk ducts. But after much compressing, massaging and icing they weren’t going anywhere fast. So off to the doc she went. They wanted to do further testing pretty immediately, so she called me today in tears asking if her 4 kiddos could come play for the afternoon. Of course!!
So my house was crazy for the entire afternoon with 6 children playing furiously. And we’re waiting for the docs to get their butts in gear and schedule the biopsy. And I’m sending her love and light.
5/29/09
Lovely Tired
Holy crap am I tired. It’s been a very busy week. And I’ve been kid free, so really, I have nothing to complain about. Except that usually when my parents take the kiddos, it’s a huge break for me and other than hanging out with some friends that I don’t get to see as often as I’d like, I usually just hang out and do nothing. But this week has been really busy!
Between getting ready for my interview, being nervous about my interview, finding clothes for my interview, being nervous about my interview, finding shoes and a new bra for my interview, being nervous about my interview, seeing friends, hanging with my husband, being nervous about my interview and car shopping for my husband, it’s been an extraordinarily busy week. And now, I am really tired. Like the kind of tired when you’re eyes are stinging just because they’re open.
But I went out with some of my most favorite women tonight for dinner. And one of them announced that she was pregnant again and I almost cried I was so happy for her. This will be their third baby and while it’s been a long time coming, it’s been hard for them to make the decision to have another baby as well. Her second pregnancy was really hard and traumatic, so she’s been afraid of having to go through that again. And with good reason. But I just know that this pregnancy will be awesome and healthy and at the end of it they will have a fat, healthy, happy baby to show for it. I’m really just thrilled for them. And jealous. So at least I now have one more person through whom I can live vicariously, because man are my baby hankerings getting out of hand.
And I got to take another friend out for a pedicure this afternoon. She’s pregnant with her fifth and she could (should!) go into labor at any time, so I decided she needed some pampering. And it was lovely to be able to just hang out with her without any kiddos biting at our ankles.
It’s been a lovely week, but man am I tired.
Between getting ready for my interview, being nervous about my interview, finding clothes for my interview, being nervous about my interview, finding shoes and a new bra for my interview, being nervous about my interview, seeing friends, hanging with my husband, being nervous about my interview and car shopping for my husband, it’s been an extraordinarily busy week. And now, I am really tired. Like the kind of tired when you’re eyes are stinging just because they’re open.
But I went out with some of my most favorite women tonight for dinner. And one of them announced that she was pregnant again and I almost cried I was so happy for her. This will be their third baby and while it’s been a long time coming, it’s been hard for them to make the decision to have another baby as well. Her second pregnancy was really hard and traumatic, so she’s been afraid of having to go through that again. And with good reason. But I just know that this pregnancy will be awesome and healthy and at the end of it they will have a fat, healthy, happy baby to show for it. I’m really just thrilled for them. And jealous. So at least I now have one more person through whom I can live vicariously, because man are my baby hankerings getting out of hand.
And I got to take another friend out for a pedicure this afternoon. She’s pregnant with her fifth and she could (should!) go into labor at any time, so I decided she needed some pampering. And it was lovely to be able to just hang out with her without any kiddos biting at our ankles.
It’s been a lovely week, but man am I tired.