I just locked myself in the bathroom for about 20 minutes to bawl my eyes out. Because I somehow got caught on the wrong side of friend politics with one of my oldest and closest friends. Because I’m totally overwhelmed by life in general right now. Because I am hormonal. Because I’m facing a summer with no money with which to entertain my children and to be frank, I’m just not that creative. Because I just want one thing to go our way, and it’s not. Because my dad is dying. Because my son is struggling mightily with growing up and I don’t know how to help him. Because my daughter is sweet and amazing and I just cannot keep up with her right now and thus the guilt is nearly overwhelming. Because I haven’t had a day off in longer than is healthy for me. Because I miss my friends and I’m not entirely sure they miss me back (although that might be the hormones talking). Because the fucking wind will not stop. Because I can’t seem to stay on top of laundry. Because we didn’t get to plant flowers on Mother’s Day this year because of lack of money and the weather won’t settle into spring. Because our lawyer has turned into a jackass. Because I desperately want to ask my in laws to please come for a visit just to have fun and get to know their grandchildren and I’m terrified to ask because I couldn’t handle it if they say no, but I miss them. Because I’m tired and the sleepless nights have already started. Because I’m in a cooking rut I can’t seem to find my way out of. Because we got invited to a fancy party on Sunday night and I don’t have anything fancy to wear and no one to watch my children so they have to come with us to this party where there will probably be no other children and they also don’t have anything fancy to wear. Because my neighbor across the street is moving and I’m going to miss her and her children. Because, because, because, because…I guess I just needed a good cry.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
5/25/10
5/11/10
What's Next?
So. I told you I was back and apparently I lied a little. But in my defense I have been thinking about writing a lot over the last couple of weeks. Trying to decide where I want to take my writing to be specific.
I miss writing the fiction over at 52 in 52, but I just have no time and very little energy to put into that endeavor right now. I know it will wait and hopefully one day soon I’ll get back into that particular groove as it was fun and interesting and I was learning a lot.
Here’s what I am not missing. I’m not missing scaling my writing, and thoughts, back to 365 words a day. And I’m also not missing having to write every single day. I still have a ton of stuff I want and need to write about, but I am just not feeling the everyday commitment need anymore. And perhaps that’s a good thing. Perhaps it’s exactly what I was waiting for with this whole 365 project. To reach a time where writing out my thoughts and stories came completely naturally and without self incrimination. I know now that when I need to write, I simply take the time to do it. So perhaps it’s entirely appropriate for me to let go of this particular project and begin a new one.
And that is what I’ve spent most of my time thinking about. I think one of the reasons I’ve not ever really reached a large audience is because my writing is so all over the place. I mean one day I am writing about totally benign things like my favorite TV shows, movies and food. While the next I’ve taken off on a journey of cuss-laden venting and spiritual/political/feminist/mothering pontification that send even my dearest friends reeling.
But I’d love to reach a larger audience. Mostly because I’m ready to put myself out there I think. I’m ready to broach the topic of community with a larger population sample. I’m just ready for more with my writing in pretty much every respect. Now I just have to figure out what that will look like. Any ideas?
4/17/10
4/16/10 - Community
I got to go on a mama’s playdate this evening with my dear friend LD. She and I have a hard time getting together because, as we learned tonight, we’re both really home bodies and have to force ourselves out into the world. We’re both really very social creatures, it’s the actual putting on of shoes and the like that we find a wee bit troublesome. But we managed to overcome last night and ended up at a lovely little tea house in town where we stayed until way beyond when you would think a tea house would be open.
And through all the chit chat about kids and family and the future and everything else that goes along with those things, we found the conversation kept wending its way back to the subject of community. Talking about the Story Corps project, about making sure to record the precious stories in our parents and grandparents memories. All of it coming back to the simple idea of tracking and honoring the threads and history that create our community, whatever or wherever that may be.
It’s a subject that has had deep personal meaning to me for as long as I can remember. My desire for a big family stems from my need and want of community. I loved my small college and the small sorority that I joined because of the inherent community. I reach out to the kindred spirits around me in the hopes of creating community. One that is fearless in its support, unhindered by self inflicted constraints and thriving with its own vibrant life force.
I’m sure this all sounds a bit woo woo and mushy for someone as concrete as I typically am. But I think the idea of community itself is a bit on the mushy side. I think it defies definition in so many ways because it is utterly subjective. But it is so vitally important to me and the way I choose to exist in the world. And I think it’s a larger conversation that needs to be bumped up in the realm of importance and priorities. Now if I could just figure out how to get it started.
And through all the chit chat about kids and family and the future and everything else that goes along with those things, we found the conversation kept wending its way back to the subject of community. Talking about the Story Corps project, about making sure to record the precious stories in our parents and grandparents memories. All of it coming back to the simple idea of tracking and honoring the threads and history that create our community, whatever or wherever that may be.
It’s a subject that has had deep personal meaning to me for as long as I can remember. My desire for a big family stems from my need and want of community. I loved my small college and the small sorority that I joined because of the inherent community. I reach out to the kindred spirits around me in the hopes of creating community. One that is fearless in its support, unhindered by self inflicted constraints and thriving with its own vibrant life force.
I’m sure this all sounds a bit woo woo and mushy for someone as concrete as I typically am. But I think the idea of community itself is a bit on the mushy side. I think it defies definition in so many ways because it is utterly subjective. But it is so vitally important to me and the way I choose to exist in the world. And I think it’s a larger conversation that needs to be bumped up in the realm of importance and priorities. Now if I could just figure out how to get it started.
4/15/10
Friends and Buns
Since I know that I’ll be heading back down to NM the end of the month for at least a long weekend and most likely for longer, I decided to do whatever I could to have the three weeks I have at home to be as chock full of friends as I could possibly make them. And I’m doing pretty well so far. I got to spend all morning with L and her sweet new kiddo L, which was a special treat since we almost never get to spend several hours together just chatting and hanging out.
We have a playdate set for tomorrow afternoon with some other friends who had moved away for a while and are now back after The Boy’s parent/teach conference. Then I’m going out for tea tomorrow evening with dearest L, who is another friend I don’t get to see nearly enough.
And I’m getting daily interaction with the new neighborhood moms by whom I’ve been adopted and the kids are loving being able to play without time limits while I’m chatting away.
I get to have coffee with sweet E and baby L (so many L’s in my life!) next week. And I’m trying to get a lunch or brunch date worked out with T since it’s been way too long since I’ve seen her.
I’m stocking up on my social interactions I think. Recharging after being in isolation for so long. Catching up with the people in my life whom I adore and who make my life here so much more fun to live. Hopefully I’ll be able to fill out the rest of next week and the week after with more girlfriends I haven’t seen in at least a month.
Oh, and as a funny aside, I’ve now taken The Girl to school twice since I’ve started showing but haven’t made a huge announcement and the looks on everyone’s faces both days this week have been pretty funny. They don’t know if I’ve been eating boxes and boxes of bonbons whilst taking care of my dying father or if I’ve got another bun in the oven, but they’re all too polite to ask. It’s pretty funny actually.
We have a playdate set for tomorrow afternoon with some other friends who had moved away for a while and are now back after The Boy’s parent/teach conference. Then I’m going out for tea tomorrow evening with dearest L, who is another friend I don’t get to see nearly enough.
And I’m getting daily interaction with the new neighborhood moms by whom I’ve been adopted and the kids are loving being able to play without time limits while I’m chatting away.
I get to have coffee with sweet E and baby L (so many L’s in my life!) next week. And I’m trying to get a lunch or brunch date worked out with T since it’s been way too long since I’ve seen her.
I’m stocking up on my social interactions I think. Recharging after being in isolation for so long. Catching up with the people in my life whom I adore and who make my life here so much more fun to live. Hopefully I’ll be able to fill out the rest of next week and the week after with more girlfriends I haven’t seen in at least a month.
Oh, and as a funny aside, I’ve now taken The Girl to school twice since I’ve started showing but haven’t made a huge announcement and the looks on everyone’s faces both days this week have been pretty funny. They don’t know if I’ve been eating boxes and boxes of bonbons whilst taking care of my dying father or if I’ve got another bun in the oven, but they’re all too polite to ask. It’s pretty funny actually.
4/14/10 - Daily Rundown
The migraine plague has returned full force, so I’m sorry, but you’re getting a rundown of my day today and that’s about all I can offer.
The Girl and I got to listen to the baby’s heartbeat for the first time this morning. And I got my OB thinking again that I might have more than one in there. Apparently I’m quite a bit bigger than I should be at this point (yeah, I knew that already), so she ordered another ultra sound to be done on Monday to see for sure if I’ve got one or two in there. The Girl got quite the kick out of hearing the heartbeat and it never ceases to make me smile too. Such a cool thing.
And I’ve apparently been adopted into the neighborhood stay at home mom coalition. Because every time I step outside I get surrounded by neighbor moms wanting and needing to chat. I’ve always kind of been a loner in this neighborhood with the exception of a few people that I really connected with. But this group of women just decided they weren’t taking no for an answer anymore and I must say that I’m actually pretty happy about it. They are all military wives so I get to continue asking all the questions I used to ask of L when she lived next door and The Boy and The Girl adore all of their children. C lives next door in L and B’s old house, A lives across the street and has 5 boys, K lives next door to A and has 3 boys, S lives down the street and has 2 boys. So pretty much The Boy is in heaven in this neighborhood and The Girl would do almost anything to have a girl to play with. But in the meantime is totally happy kicking all the boys’ butts at sword play and Avatar.
So we hung out and chatted while cussing out cars driving entirely too fast down our street and reminding the kids to watch for cars as they rode their bikes up and down the street.
It was a good day, even if the migraine plague has returned.
The Girl and I got to listen to the baby’s heartbeat for the first time this morning. And I got my OB thinking again that I might have more than one in there. Apparently I’m quite a bit bigger than I should be at this point (yeah, I knew that already), so she ordered another ultra sound to be done on Monday to see for sure if I’ve got one or two in there. The Girl got quite the kick out of hearing the heartbeat and it never ceases to make me smile too. Such a cool thing.
And I’ve apparently been adopted into the neighborhood stay at home mom coalition. Because every time I step outside I get surrounded by neighbor moms wanting and needing to chat. I’ve always kind of been a loner in this neighborhood with the exception of a few people that I really connected with. But this group of women just decided they weren’t taking no for an answer anymore and I must say that I’m actually pretty happy about it. They are all military wives so I get to continue asking all the questions I used to ask of L when she lived next door and The Boy and The Girl adore all of their children. C lives next door in L and B’s old house, A lives across the street and has 5 boys, K lives next door to A and has 3 boys, S lives down the street and has 2 boys. So pretty much The Boy is in heaven in this neighborhood and The Girl would do almost anything to have a girl to play with. But in the meantime is totally happy kicking all the boys’ butts at sword play and Avatar.
So we hung out and chatted while cussing out cars driving entirely too fast down our street and reminding the kids to watch for cars as they rode their bikes up and down the street.
It was a good day, even if the migraine plague has returned.
4/13/10
Spring Love
I vacillate between spring and fall being my favorite seasons. Usually when spring rolls around after a long hard winter, it is automatically my favorite season. And then when fall finally breaks through the grinding heat of summer, it becomes very near and dear to my heart. But as I was driving home from NM on Friday, I was reminded once more of why spring is my favorite season.
When I was living in Nebraska during college it was, in so many ways, so much easier to mark the passing of the seasons by so much more than the weather. Because I was surrounded by farm and ranch land that was driven to life and death by every touch of weather as well as hands. And I distinctly remember driving through the country on the way to Lincoln at the very beginning of spring and watching the land wake was almost like watching a bruise heal. The bland, ashy, brown, dead fields would slowly start to yellow as the green started poking its head through the brown and then eventually it would yield to full and lush green for just a few days before it all got tilled under again and rendered rich, vibrant brown awaiting crops to start peeking and turn it all green again.
On Friday on the way home I found much the same thing. Except I knew the majority of the land that I could see yellowing would not be tilled under, but would continue through the greening process until it reached the faint sage color that the desert turns in the middle of summer. The brown in the desert is never really vibrant per say, but it is alive in its own steeped in history kind of way.
I love spring. I love watching the earth and the people wake back up after being cooped up inside for so long. I love watching the neighborhood kids swarm to any and all open yards to play whenever they can. I love strawberries and asparagus. I love the red that crosses my cheeks after standing in the sun for too long. I love the awakening and that joy that comes with it.
When I was living in Nebraska during college it was, in so many ways, so much easier to mark the passing of the seasons by so much more than the weather. Because I was surrounded by farm and ranch land that was driven to life and death by every touch of weather as well as hands. And I distinctly remember driving through the country on the way to Lincoln at the very beginning of spring and watching the land wake was almost like watching a bruise heal. The bland, ashy, brown, dead fields would slowly start to yellow as the green started poking its head through the brown and then eventually it would yield to full and lush green for just a few days before it all got tilled under again and rendered rich, vibrant brown awaiting crops to start peeking and turn it all green again.
On Friday on the way home I found much the same thing. Except I knew the majority of the land that I could see yellowing would not be tilled under, but would continue through the greening process until it reached the faint sage color that the desert turns in the middle of summer. The brown in the desert is never really vibrant per say, but it is alive in its own steeped in history kind of way.
I love spring. I love watching the earth and the people wake back up after being cooped up inside for so long. I love watching the neighborhood kids swarm to any and all open yards to play whenever they can. I love strawberries and asparagus. I love the red that crosses my cheeks after standing in the sun for too long. I love the awakening and that joy that comes with it.
4/10/10
4/1/10 - Bouncetastic
I’ve had it up to here with this whole isolation thing. I’m tired of feeling so out of the loop with my world. My friends are spread all over the country as well as all across the city I live in and the internet is the one way that I get to keep in touch with them all. Not having regular access to the internet has left me feeling utterly disconnected. And irritated.
So today I took the children to this place called The Big Bounce. It’s essentially a huge warehouse full of close to a dozen of those big inflatable bounce houses. They have mini golf and their own version of a Build-A-Bear as well. My children love it. The Boy can literally spend hours there doing nothing but moving from group of kids to group of kids; melding into whatever game they may be playing. No matter the age difference. If they are running and jumping and laughing, he’s all for it. The Girl has a bit less use for running than her brother. She’s content to run and jump for a bit, but then she needs activity of a more sophisticated sort. She typically finds this in crashing other people’s birthday parties. Or cozying up to one of the employees with her big blue eyes, corn silk blonde hair, pixie voice and sweet demeanor until they fold and let her tag along with them while they do more interesting things. Inevitably employees or parents will track me down asking if it’s ok if she has a piece of birthday cake or a little snack from behind the desk. She’s shameless.
Me? I try to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi for as long as I can until The Girl’s antics guilt me into corralling the boy back into the car (much to his dismay). Today was a bit shorter than usual however, because The Girl seems to be getting sick. She had very little interest in running or jumping at all and there were no birthday parties to crash. So she spent most of the time on my lap while I furiously tried to catch up on email. Sigh. Not enough time.
So today I took the children to this place called The Big Bounce. It’s essentially a huge warehouse full of close to a dozen of those big inflatable bounce houses. They have mini golf and their own version of a Build-A-Bear as well. My children love it. The Boy can literally spend hours there doing nothing but moving from group of kids to group of kids; melding into whatever game they may be playing. No matter the age difference. If they are running and jumping and laughing, he’s all for it. The Girl has a bit less use for running than her brother. She’s content to run and jump for a bit, but then she needs activity of a more sophisticated sort. She typically finds this in crashing other people’s birthday parties. Or cozying up to one of the employees with her big blue eyes, corn silk blonde hair, pixie voice and sweet demeanor until they fold and let her tag along with them while they do more interesting things. Inevitably employees or parents will track me down asking if it’s ok if she has a piece of birthday cake or a little snack from behind the desk. She’s shameless.
Me? I try to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi for as long as I can until The Girl’s antics guilt me into corralling the boy back into the car (much to his dismay). Today was a bit shorter than usual however, because The Girl seems to be getting sick. She had very little interest in running or jumping at all and there were no birthday parties to crash. So she spent most of the time on my lap while I furiously tried to catch up on email. Sigh. Not enough time.
4/1/10
3/28/10 - Love and Birthday Presents
I adore all of my friends’ children. They are amazing, adorable little creatures (some not so little anymore) that I immediately love on sight because of my attachment to their parents. But there are a couple that I just really love. Like my own love. Maybe because I’m particularly close to their parents or because the kiddos and I have forged a special bond of our own. Whatever the cause, one of those babies is turning two this upcoming week. And here’s the kicker, he’s only about 3 hours away from my parents’ house. His birthday party was yesterday and I seriously considered driving down to crash the party, but couldn’t quite eek the gas money out of our budget. And it would have had me driving home around midnight. Which given my proclivity for falling asleep anytime I sit still for more than a handful of minutes right now, I didn’t think would be such a great set up.
So instead my mom, the kids and I went to this awesome toy store we discovered several years ago in Durango. It’s just a super cool, laid back, locally owned kind of toy store with super cool toys stacked deep and piled high everywhere you look. There are train tracks out for the kids to play with and blocks and any number of other fun things. And, there’s a cat. Very possibly the sweetest cat ever (as she would have to be to live in a toy store where she is constantly being stalked and pounced upon by over excited children of all ages). So between the toys and the cat, my kids were in hog heaven. And my mom reached back into her childhood and I could hear her giggling from the front of the store over the bin of windup toys she had found.
I found my sweet, little guy C some awesome puzzles to challenge his already genius level mind as well as a huge book of stickers to carry on the new infatuation that The Girl started with him over Christmas. C’s mom will probably want to kill me for the latter present, but all’s fair in love and birthday presents.
So instead my mom, the kids and I went to this awesome toy store we discovered several years ago in Durango. It’s just a super cool, laid back, locally owned kind of toy store with super cool toys stacked deep and piled high everywhere you look. There are train tracks out for the kids to play with and blocks and any number of other fun things. And, there’s a cat. Very possibly the sweetest cat ever (as she would have to be to live in a toy store where she is constantly being stalked and pounced upon by over excited children of all ages). So between the toys and the cat, my kids were in hog heaven. And my mom reached back into her childhood and I could hear her giggling from the front of the store over the bin of windup toys she had found.
I found my sweet, little guy C some awesome puzzles to challenge his already genius level mind as well as a huge book of stickers to carry on the new infatuation that The Girl started with him over Christmas. C’s mom will probably want to kill me for the latter present, but all’s fair in love and birthday presents.
3/26/10
3/22/10 - Isolation
The Sisters (and cousin) headed back to the airport this morning. And I was once more thrust into my least favorite thing about being at my parents’ house. The isolation. They don’t have any internet access at all, often lose phone service due to wind/rain/general crappy weather conditions and I’m at least 30 minutes from any semblance of civilization. At least civilization that does not include the savagely overpriced convenience stores meant for tourists that are but a short car jog from my parents’ house.
I mean, it’s nice for the kids. They love being able to be in the middle of nowhere. Able to run freely, scream without limits and discover new bugs, sticks and other sundry valuables. And for them, I love it here. And for my Dad, as this is where his true spirit resides. In the rocks and bluffs, in the scrub brush and cottonwood trees, and above all else, in the river. But I deeply value my daily connections with people, even when those connections are often only online. I miss the odd wave and hello with our neighbors. I miss the sweet phone calls from friends just calling to check in. I miss IM’ing with friends I hardly ever get to see. I just miss the connections. When I’m here keeping up with those connections not only is inconvenient, it also feels wholly selfish for some reason. Perhaps because I have to take such a large chunk of time away from my Dad to go into town to touch base with those connections. Perhaps because I have to continually hush my children in the library while I’m checking in with those connections. Perhaps because it is selfish. But at the same time I feel like I have to be able to give myself permission to be selfish in this way, because it is these connections who have helped me find my way away from the anger and denial and into acceptance. So that I can be here with my Dad and truly just be here, in whatever capacity he needs me. And that is, truly, such a gift. Perhaps what feels selfish is just me taking care of me.
I mean, it’s nice for the kids. They love being able to be in the middle of nowhere. Able to run freely, scream without limits and discover new bugs, sticks and other sundry valuables. And for them, I love it here. And for my Dad, as this is where his true spirit resides. In the rocks and bluffs, in the scrub brush and cottonwood trees, and above all else, in the river. But I deeply value my daily connections with people, even when those connections are often only online. I miss the odd wave and hello with our neighbors. I miss the sweet phone calls from friends just calling to check in. I miss IM’ing with friends I hardly ever get to see. I just miss the connections. When I’m here keeping up with those connections not only is inconvenient, it also feels wholly selfish for some reason. Perhaps because I have to take such a large chunk of time away from my Dad to go into town to touch base with those connections. Perhaps because I have to continually hush my children in the library while I’m checking in with those connections. Perhaps because it is selfish. But at the same time I feel like I have to be able to give myself permission to be selfish in this way, because it is these connections who have helped me find my way away from the anger and denial and into acceptance. So that I can be here with my Dad and truly just be here, in whatever capacity he needs me. And that is, truly, such a gift. Perhaps what feels selfish is just me taking care of me.
3/16/10
100 Things, Part One
Ok, so I decided to copy cat L’s idea and come up with my own list of 100 things I want to do in my life. And she was right it’s really hard! Although once I let myself distinguish between goals and dreams, it got a bit easier. Because I got all serious and started out by thinking that the whole list had to be goals. Things I wanted, and needed, to accomplish in my lifetime. But I think the whole purpose is to let yourself just dream and think about all the things you’ve always wanted to do, without constraint or judgment. And that made it a bit easier, but it’s still hard. Like I said yesterday, I think my dreamer is rusty. It’s just been so long since I just let myself daydream. Because while it’s good for the soul, it can also be dangerous. So as with everything else, it’s about balance. Learning how to dream without getting attached to the dreams. Or more specifically, without attaching expectations to the dream. Because it’s always the expectations that get me in trouble.
So, without further ado, here’s my first 25 to start with:
1. Write and publish a book
2. Only wear clothes that I love everyday
3. Get Lasik surgery so I don’t have to wear glasses anymore!
4. Take my family to Europe
5. Go white water river rafting
6. Swim with dolphins
7. Learn how to make perfect pad thai
8. Get scrapbooks for the kids done through their childhoods
9. Adopt a Greyhound
10. Live by the ocean
11. Become a bone marrow donor
12. Go on Wheel of Fortune
13. See the Colts (with Peyton Manning as QB) play in person
14. Find the perfect shade of lipstick
15. Have a hot stone massage
16. Teach the kids how to batik
17. Go whale watching
18. Get all gussied up for and go to a red carpet event
19. Go to a strawberry festival
20. Re-learn how to make perfect tortillas
21. Learn how to walk in stiletto heels
22. Go on a ghost tour
23. Learn how to sew
24. Have horses again
25. Find a muse
So, without further ado, here’s my first 25 to start with:
1. Write and publish a book
2. Only wear clothes that I love everyday
3. Get Lasik surgery so I don’t have to wear glasses anymore!
4. Take my family to Europe
5. Go white water river rafting
6. Swim with dolphins
7. Learn how to make perfect pad thai
8. Get scrapbooks for the kids done through their childhoods
9. Adopt a Greyhound
10. Live by the ocean
11. Become a bone marrow donor
12. Go on Wheel of Fortune
13. See the Colts (with Peyton Manning as QB) play in person
14. Find the perfect shade of lipstick
15. Have a hot stone massage
16. Teach the kids how to batik
17. Go whale watching
18. Get all gussied up for and go to a red carpet event
19. Go to a strawberry festival
20. Re-learn how to make perfect tortillas
21. Learn how to walk in stiletto heels
22. Go on a ghost tour
23. Learn how to sew
24. Have horses again
25. Find a muse
3/15/10
Inspiration
I have a good friend here who is one of the most extraordinary women I know. She is the least afraid person I know. She decides what she wants and then she just flat makes it happen. She and her husband decided they wanted to live in an RV and take their two kids on the road. They’ve been talking about it for a while, but recently the just decided to make it happen. And the most incredible thing about it is that they did. They just made it happen. And I am in awe of their ability to do so.
My husband and I have been talking for years about the things we want to do, with and without the kids. But here we still are, in Colorado Springs, him working a job he’s very good at but does not love, me trying to figure out to be writer and struggling, and both of us trying to figure out how to juggle being the parents we want to be with “real” life. And I think what I love so much about L and her husband, is that for them, there is no “real” life. There is simply the life they create. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, but regardless they consciously chose it and live so completely present in every single moment of that choice that it no longer matters if it works or not.
She has this amazing list on her new blog of 100 things she wants to do in her life. And I love it. Because it’s not all “climb Mt. Everest” or “go to cooking school” or other huge things. There are also things in there like, “get a facial” and “wear blue contacts” and have a pet turtle.” I just love it. And it’s incredibly inspiring. So I think I’ll get to work on my own 100 Things I want to do list. I’ve been so completely rooted in every day, which is a good thing, that I’ve forgotten a bit about letting myself dream, which is not a good thing. And I’ve lost some of my internal inspiration along the way. It’s time to get it back.
My husband and I have been talking for years about the things we want to do, with and without the kids. But here we still are, in Colorado Springs, him working a job he’s very good at but does not love, me trying to figure out to be writer and struggling, and both of us trying to figure out how to juggle being the parents we want to be with “real” life. And I think what I love so much about L and her husband, is that for them, there is no “real” life. There is simply the life they create. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, but regardless they consciously chose it and live so completely present in every single moment of that choice that it no longer matters if it works or not.
She has this amazing list on her new blog of 100 things she wants to do in her life. And I love it. Because it’s not all “climb Mt. Everest” or “go to cooking school” or other huge things. There are also things in there like, “get a facial” and “wear blue contacts” and have a pet turtle.” I just love it. And it’s incredibly inspiring. So I think I’ll get to work on my own 100 Things I want to do list. I’ve been so completely rooted in every day, which is a good thing, that I’ve forgotten a bit about letting myself dream, which is not a good thing. And I’ve lost some of my internal inspiration along the way. It’s time to get it back.
3/11/10
Heartbreak
So The Girl took the weather delay as a cue and spiked another fever last night. After being on antibiotics for three days. I took her back to the doctor this morning and she changed the antibiotic to something stronger and more broad spectrum. Although we’re both starting to think that this sucker is viral. Which really bites, because that means we just have to wait for it to pass. And it’s been a week now. So even though it scared the crap out of me, I tried a different tactic this afternoon and did not treat her fever. I thought maybe that if it got high enough it would burn itself out. It topped out at 103.5, which is .1 below the temperature she had a seizure at so I was terrified, but it eventually started coming down a little. When we just put her to bed it was down to 102.3. Who knows if there’s anything to my theory or not. I just know I’m ready for her to be done with this now. She is so completely miserable and it just breaks my heart to watch her feel so punk.
Also today, I found out a good friend of mine from college has been missing since Tuesday. And that is such a “those things don’t happen to me or people I know” kind of thing. I mean she’s always been a crazy girl, but never the disappear and not at least check in with her family kind of crazy. I’m just hoping against hope that she’s safe and sound somewhere but out of cell phone range. Or maybe a new boyfriend whisked her away on a surprise vacation and forgot to tell her family. I’m hoping that she is not in trouble or in pain somewhere scared out of her wits praying to be rescued. It’s a scary thing and it breaks my heart to think about.
So it seems that my heart is breaking in all sorts of ways today. Heart break and worry abound today it appears. So join me in asking the powers that be to get my daughter well quickly and to protect J and keep her safe.
Also today, I found out a good friend of mine from college has been missing since Tuesday. And that is such a “those things don’t happen to me or people I know” kind of thing. I mean she’s always been a crazy girl, but never the disappear and not at least check in with her family kind of crazy. I’m just hoping against hope that she’s safe and sound somewhere but out of cell phone range. Or maybe a new boyfriend whisked her away on a surprise vacation and forgot to tell her family. I’m hoping that she is not in trouble or in pain somewhere scared out of her wits praying to be rescued. It’s a scary thing and it breaks my heart to think about.
So it seems that my heart is breaking in all sorts of ways today. Heart break and worry abound today it appears. So join me in asking the powers that be to get my daughter well quickly and to protect J and keep her safe.
3/9/10
3/8/10 - Fever on the Run
Ok, so an ear infection is the culprit. Our pediatrician gave The Girl a thorough going over and she checked out totally healthy except for the fact that one of her ears was flaming red and unhappy. So she’ll be on antibiotics for about 10 days and then we should be done. I think probably the fever will be broken for good when she wakes up the in the morning. Which means the plan for right now is to get the kids and me down to New Mexico by Thursday. That is about a week and half earlier than I had originally planned, which means taking them out of school, but it’ll be ok. I think The Boy is more than ready for a break anyway, although little does he know that I’m having his teacher put together a whopping packet of homework for him to work on while he’s gone. Hopefully that will keep the rust off his brain.
And my sweet friend P made us dinner tonight! How cool is that? To make an awesome surprise even better, she made her famous chicken and quinoa with an awesome spinach salad and a chocolate cake. I was in heaven. Seriously, P, you rock the casbah.
So now I’m in get ready to leave my house for a month mode. Which means finishing and returning library books. Getting new child-friendly audio books to listen to on the drive. Getting everyone’s laundry done so we have clean clothes to wear. Pulling any recipes I may want to make while I’m down there. All of the stuff that makes me feel just a little bit better about leaving my life here for a month, or more.
And, if you read my 52 in 52 blog, you will have noticed that I’m quickly falling behind. I am sorry; I’ve just got nothing right now. I think I’m in such a state of overload with everything going on right now that my creative juices are pulling a deer in headlights move. I’ll catch up soon though and get back on track, I promise. In the meantime, if you have any story ideas to share, I’d love to hear them.
And my sweet friend P made us dinner tonight! How cool is that? To make an awesome surprise even better, she made her famous chicken and quinoa with an awesome spinach salad and a chocolate cake. I was in heaven. Seriously, P, you rock the casbah.
So now I’m in get ready to leave my house for a month mode. Which means finishing and returning library books. Getting new child-friendly audio books to listen to on the drive. Getting everyone’s laundry done so we have clean clothes to wear. Pulling any recipes I may want to make while I’m down there. All of the stuff that makes me feel just a little bit better about leaving my life here for a month, or more.
And, if you read my 52 in 52 blog, you will have noticed that I’m quickly falling behind. I am sorry; I’ve just got nothing right now. I think I’m in such a state of overload with everything going on right now that my creative juices are pulling a deer in headlights move. I’ll catch up soon though and get back on track, I promise. In the meantime, if you have any story ideas to share, I’d love to hear them.
3/5/10
Karmic Bone to Pick
Alright. I’ve a bone to pick with karma. Everything from the fact that we finally get a string of sunny days and I’m stuck inside with sick kids. To the fact that my dad is going downhill fast according to my mom and I’ve got sick kids so therefore cannot go to NM to be with him. Oh and there was the whole we paid off my husband’s car and then he got into a car accident less than 24 hours after we paid the sucker off. There’s the biggie of my dad dying of course. And to top it all off, my dog died. Seriously?!? What’s this all about?
I’ve been working my ass off for the past 18 months to grow as a person in pretty much every conceivable way. I’ve been doing everything I know how to do to take care of my family and make it stronger. I’ve been pushing and learning and just doing what needs to be done in order to be a better person all the way around. And instead of even just getting a breather, the universe just keeps piling more crap on my plate (and the plates of the people I love now that you mention it).
I just don’t get it. Is the universe on a broadly sweeping war path these days? Between the earthquakes and tsunamis, the shootings, the financial issues, the health crises and on and on it feels like one big tragic swath is being cut through the world. Indiscriminate in its path and showing no mercy.
There’s a part of me that wants to climb atop of the tallest mountain and scream at the powers that be to knock it the hell off already. There’s another part of me that just wants to curl up in a ball and cry. Then there’s a part of me that is continually grateful for the chance to keep learning. Grateful that I’m being forced to keep expanding in my being, because at this point I would b relishing in full-on sloth-hood because I’m so bone tired. Granted I think that grateful part of me is a wee bit on the crazy side. But still.
I’ve been working my ass off for the past 18 months to grow as a person in pretty much every conceivable way. I’ve been doing everything I know how to do to take care of my family and make it stronger. I’ve been pushing and learning and just doing what needs to be done in order to be a better person all the way around. And instead of even just getting a breather, the universe just keeps piling more crap on my plate (and the plates of the people I love now that you mention it).
I just don’t get it. Is the universe on a broadly sweeping war path these days? Between the earthquakes and tsunamis, the shootings, the financial issues, the health crises and on and on it feels like one big tragic swath is being cut through the world. Indiscriminate in its path and showing no mercy.
There’s a part of me that wants to climb atop of the tallest mountain and scream at the powers that be to knock it the hell off already. There’s another part of me that just wants to curl up in a ball and cry. Then there’s a part of me that is continually grateful for the chance to keep learning. Grateful that I’m being forced to keep expanding in my being, because at this point I would b relishing in full-on sloth-hood because I’m so bone tired. Granted I think that grateful part of me is a wee bit on the crazy side. But still.
3/4/10
Ode to Immune Systems and Baby!
The Boy must have an immune system like a friggin’ tank. I’m tellin’ ya’. When we put him to bed last night, he had a 104 degree fever, had been projectile vomiting all afternoon, had the croup and was basically the sickest he has been in a very long time. When he woke up this morning, he was fever free, vomit free, breathing freely and essentially back to himself. I still kept him home from school though, mostly because if he was still contagious I didn’t want him spreading this plague to someone else. Also, I didn’t want to have to go pick him up should his fever and/or vomit return. I know, I am such a super compassionate mom. But he’s definitely going back to school tomorrow. He’s kept all his food down today, had no return of the fever and been back to my sweet boy again. For which I am utterly grateful. He so rarely gets sick anymore that when he gets that sick, it freaks me out just a little.
The Girl seems to be fine so far (knocking on wood, furiously) and other than being stuffy, I appear to be fine too (screw it, I am just going to make sure some part of me is always touching and/or tapping wood until summer arrives).
On a decidedly non-sickness related note, my college roommate and her husband just got word last night that they were chosen by a birth mother to adopt her little boy!! So they are going to be parents in about a week and a half, if everything continues to go along as planned. I am so excited for them I could bust. I mean seriously. I’d do almost anything to be there with them to go shopping and put together furniture and move stuff around. I would just love to be there with them through this amazing time. But they know I’m there in spirit and I’ve told C to call me anytime for anything. I can’t wait to see pictures of the little guy, I’m just so excited! I said that already didn’t I? Fine. I’ll just go back to planning their new parent/baby care package.
The Girl seems to be fine so far (knocking on wood, furiously) and other than being stuffy, I appear to be fine too (screw it, I am just going to make sure some part of me is always touching and/or tapping wood until summer arrives).
On a decidedly non-sickness related note, my college roommate and her husband just got word last night that they were chosen by a birth mother to adopt her little boy!! So they are going to be parents in about a week and a half, if everything continues to go along as planned. I am so excited for them I could bust. I mean seriously. I’d do almost anything to be there with them to go shopping and put together furniture and move stuff around. I would just love to be there with them through this amazing time. But they know I’m there in spirit and I’ve told C to call me anytime for anything. I can’t wait to see pictures of the little guy, I’m just so excited! I said that already didn’t I? Fine. I’ll just go back to planning their new parent/baby care package.
3/2/10
Goodbye Joplin
About 10 years ago the contractor that gutted and renovated my parents’ retirement house told my mom about a puppy they had gotten and could no longer care for. So we went out to their house to take a look at her. I will never forget walking around the side of their house and catching sight of this sweet little yellow girl just as she leapt directly into my arms. It was love at first sight and a few minutes later she was riding in my lap happily licking my hands, until the car sickness sank in that is, and then I was desperately trying to get her mouth pointed toward the floor instead of my lap.
She was my husband’s and my first dog. We named her Joplin, after Janis of course. We spoiled her rotten. Although to this day she’s the best trained dog I’ve ever known.
And last night she died. Out of nowhere. I mean, yes, she was about 10 years old, but other than some arthritis, she was in great health. Unfortunately we had to send her to my parents to live after The Girl was born because Joplin got pretty angry. Actually I think she was more sad than angry. She loved both kids, but she was so sad to lose her parents to them. And more to the point, our attention. So when she started peeing every single day in the same spot in The Girl’s bedroom, we took her back to my parents’ house where she would have more room and all of their attention. She was happier there although I missed her desperately and her us. But last night when my parents got home from dinner she had lost all use of her back end and was having trouble breathing. She was gone within about 15 minutes. The vet thinks she probably had a heart attack.
And I am devastated. She was my girl. So I am just going to envision her running full out in a huge grass meadow, chasing down endless tennis balls. Young and gorgeous and lightening fast. Keep on running my sweet blonde dog, keep on running. We love you so much.
She was my husband’s and my first dog. We named her Joplin, after Janis of course. We spoiled her rotten. Although to this day she’s the best trained dog I’ve ever known.
And last night she died. Out of nowhere. I mean, yes, she was about 10 years old, but other than some arthritis, she was in great health. Unfortunately we had to send her to my parents to live after The Girl was born because Joplin got pretty angry. Actually I think she was more sad than angry. She loved both kids, but she was so sad to lose her parents to them. And more to the point, our attention. So when she started peeing every single day in the same spot in The Girl’s bedroom, we took her back to my parents’ house where she would have more room and all of their attention. She was happier there although I missed her desperately and her us. But last night when my parents got home from dinner she had lost all use of her back end and was having trouble breathing. She was gone within about 15 minutes. The vet thinks she probably had a heart attack.
And I am devastated. She was my girl. So I am just going to envision her running full out in a huge grass meadow, chasing down endless tennis balls. Young and gorgeous and lightening fast. Keep on running my sweet blonde dog, keep on running. We love you so much.
2/26/10
Dad
“I don’t want to scare you, but…”
That was how my mom started our conversation when she called last night at 9:30pm to tell me Dad had just had an hour long spell of not being able to breathe. At one point she thought she had lost him. My immediate thought was that I should grab the children, pour their sleeping bodies into the car and drive like a bat out of hell to NM post haste. It didn’t scare me necessarily, but it did put me into ready to rock and roll mode. I slept with the phone by our bed last night (if you could call it sleeping) and got up early hoping my mom would call early to give me an update. Which she did. Dad slept fairly well once he got settled in last night.
My Aunt T flew in this morning and Dad was still sleeping when my mom left for the airport. He slept until nearly 10am and then took a 3 ½ hour nap at about noon. So he's been asleep for most of the day. Both times I talked to him he sounded awful. Like gasping for breath awful. And again, it made me want to just jump in the car with nothing but my tooth brush and children and get there as fast as I could.
But he’s had really bad days before and then rallied. So I’m trying to stay out of panic mode while simultaneously making plans for how to get out of here as quickly as possible if need be. The last time I called the hospice nurse had just arrived, so I gave Dad instructions for someone to call me when she leaves with a full report.
Once we decided that we probably would not be leaving today, I took The Girl out for a day of fun. We met some friends for lunch and played then went and got ice cream just the two of us (sshh, don’t tell her brother). Came home and sat out in the sun (sun!) and talked with some neighbor friends. It was good day, even if part of me is still on pins and needles.
That was how my mom started our conversation when she called last night at 9:30pm to tell me Dad had just had an hour long spell of not being able to breathe. At one point she thought she had lost him. My immediate thought was that I should grab the children, pour their sleeping bodies into the car and drive like a bat out of hell to NM post haste. It didn’t scare me necessarily, but it did put me into ready to rock and roll mode. I slept with the phone by our bed last night (if you could call it sleeping) and got up early hoping my mom would call early to give me an update. Which she did. Dad slept fairly well once he got settled in last night.
My Aunt T flew in this morning and Dad was still sleeping when my mom left for the airport. He slept until nearly 10am and then took a 3 ½ hour nap at about noon. So he's been asleep for most of the day. Both times I talked to him he sounded awful. Like gasping for breath awful. And again, it made me want to just jump in the car with nothing but my tooth brush and children and get there as fast as I could.
But he’s had really bad days before and then rallied. So I’m trying to stay out of panic mode while simultaneously making plans for how to get out of here as quickly as possible if need be. The last time I called the hospice nurse had just arrived, so I gave Dad instructions for someone to call me when she leaves with a full report.
Once we decided that we probably would not be leaving today, I took The Girl out for a day of fun. We met some friends for lunch and played then went and got ice cream just the two of us (sshh, don’t tell her brother). Came home and sat out in the sun (sun!) and talked with some neighbor friends. It was good day, even if part of me is still on pins and needles.
2/25/10
Chief Blahety of Blahsville
I’ve had a really lovely day. Starting off with coffee with sweet E and her even sweeter new baby L. We don’t get to see each other nearly enough for my tastes, so it’s always a treat to be able to get together. She had to leave before me to pick up her kiddos from school, so I just stayed at the coffee house and read. By myself. Without anyone interrupting me every other sentence to get them water or listen to this song or, or, or…it was glorious to just sit on a comfy couch with an almond latte and get into Neil Gaiman.
The Girl and I had a nice lunch at home that merged into a nice afternoon.
The only downside to today? I’ve had exactly no (read zip, zilch, zero) motivation to finish my story for the week. Like I sit and stare at the page with the little cursor eye blinking at me expectantly and it’s not that I’m blocked or frustrated or stuck. I’ve just so many other places to go in my head right now than to finish telling this story today. It pretty much boils down to, I don’t wanna. I just don’t want to write today. This post is going to be chief blahety of blahsville as well. Sorry about that. But I’m just sort of content today. The anger hasn’t really made a comeback. I’m not screaming or sobbing. I’m not all tweaked out over my story this week. I just sort of am. Content. Makes it hard to weave drama and interest into much of anything when you’re totally content to just sit and stare into space.
So I’m afraid that my story will be late this week. Because I’d rather it just be late than be crap because I forced it, and ultimately didn’t give a damn about it. So for any of you cross readers, sorry about that. I’m going to try my hardest to make the wait worthwhile.
And I’ve just about got our taxes done for the year, so we’ll soon know what we get to keep and what we don’t. Hhhmmm…maybe I do have some angst broiling after all…
The Girl and I had a nice lunch at home that merged into a nice afternoon.
The only downside to today? I’ve had exactly no (read zip, zilch, zero) motivation to finish my story for the week. Like I sit and stare at the page with the little cursor eye blinking at me expectantly and it’s not that I’m blocked or frustrated or stuck. I’ve just so many other places to go in my head right now than to finish telling this story today. It pretty much boils down to, I don’t wanna. I just don’t want to write today. This post is going to be chief blahety of blahsville as well. Sorry about that. But I’m just sort of content today. The anger hasn’t really made a comeback. I’m not screaming or sobbing. I’m not all tweaked out over my story this week. I just sort of am. Content. Makes it hard to weave drama and interest into much of anything when you’re totally content to just sit and stare into space.
So I’m afraid that my story will be late this week. Because I’d rather it just be late than be crap because I forced it, and ultimately didn’t give a damn about it. So for any of you cross readers, sorry about that. I’m going to try my hardest to make the wait worthwhile.
And I’ve just about got our taxes done for the year, so we’ll soon know what we get to keep and what we don’t. Hhhmmm…maybe I do have some angst broiling after all…
2/23/10
All you Need is Love
I got to spend some time with my dearest L this morning. The Girl and her youngest go to the same preschool so we occasionally are able to use our morning free time to just hang out and chat over a cup of coffee. With my self-isolation and unpleasant to be around anger as of late, it’s been a while since we’ve been able to hang out. It was much needed and really lovely.
L is an international adoption social worker and if there was ever a person better suited to her work, I don’t know who they are. She is a deeply intuitive person who is easy to trust, easy to talk to and truly enjoys her work. I just adore her and she is an incredibly important part of my life.
And she’s having a hard time right now. One of her families had a complete meltdown and after bringing home this gorgeous girl from Korea decided that they could not be her forever family after all. So L and her husband agreed to provide temporary foster care for this sweet baby girl until the adoption agency could meet with other families who are waiting for children to which to give homes. I got to meet this baby girl this morning and I loved her immediately. And so does L. It is such a tremendously hard thing to bring a baby into your home who needs nothing but love from you and not fall in love with her.
The situation all around is just so heartbreaking. The family who were originally going to adopt her are heartbroken that they’ve failed this sweet girl. L is heartbroken for not seeing the lack of commitment in this family sooner in the process. And this sweet girl’s heart is broken for not having a forever family yet. It is just a truly agonizing situation for everyone involved. But of course, L, being the amazing woman that she is, is just completely focused on showering this baby with the love that she needs.
It was such a lovely morning to sit with a gorgeous friend and just love her and this baby girl with everything I have.
L is an international adoption social worker and if there was ever a person better suited to her work, I don’t know who they are. She is a deeply intuitive person who is easy to trust, easy to talk to and truly enjoys her work. I just adore her and she is an incredibly important part of my life.
And she’s having a hard time right now. One of her families had a complete meltdown and after bringing home this gorgeous girl from Korea decided that they could not be her forever family after all. So L and her husband agreed to provide temporary foster care for this sweet baby girl until the adoption agency could meet with other families who are waiting for children to which to give homes. I got to meet this baby girl this morning and I loved her immediately. And so does L. It is such a tremendously hard thing to bring a baby into your home who needs nothing but love from you and not fall in love with her.
The situation all around is just so heartbreaking. The family who were originally going to adopt her are heartbroken that they’ve failed this sweet girl. L is heartbroken for not seeing the lack of commitment in this family sooner in the process. And this sweet girl’s heart is broken for not having a forever family yet. It is just a truly agonizing situation for everyone involved. But of course, L, being the amazing woman that she is, is just completely focused on showering this baby with the love that she needs.
It was such a lovely morning to sit with a gorgeous friend and just love her and this baby girl with everything I have.
2/22/10
In Defense of Nest
My college roommate picked a fight with a bunch of moms on Facebook today. Which actually turned out to be a jumping off point for she and I to spend an embarrassing large chunk of time first IM’ing and then talking on the phone about the whole thing. It’s a really huge parenting can of worms. Or at least it’s been turned into a huge can of worms for modern day parents. I don’t remember it being all that big of a deal for my parents when I was a kid.
It’s the question of how old your children should be before you allow them to have a sleepover at someone else’s house. I remember the biggest issue being whether or not I was ready to be away from home all night or not. I remember having to call my parents at about midnight my first sleepover because I just couldn’t handle it. It turns out now the biggest concern is one of trust. Trusting the parents and children at whose house your child will be sleeping. Mostly in terms of safety. Whether or not the parents can be trusted to provide adequate levels of supervision. Whether or not older siblings will introduce your child to inappropriate things. Whether or not your child will be put in a position to be hurt in this surrounding. And to be entirely honest, the whole thing baffles me.
See, these other mothers immediately jumped to sexual abuse and molestation as an imminent and real threat. And my mouth just dropped at this. I think it’s the imminence these mothers see that shocks me the most. They essentially feel like they won’t allow sleepovers at all until they feel their children are old enough to be their own advocates. Which essentially means their first night away from home will happen when they leave for college. I don’t mean to be flip, but seriously. Can anyone truthfully say they were completely equipped to be their own advocates, not to be influenced by questions of social or emotional pressures, much before they left the nest? Or more to the point, until they had to create (and perhaps defend) their own nest?
It’s the question of how old your children should be before you allow them to have a sleepover at someone else’s house. I remember the biggest issue being whether or not I was ready to be away from home all night or not. I remember having to call my parents at about midnight my first sleepover because I just couldn’t handle it. It turns out now the biggest concern is one of trust. Trusting the parents and children at whose house your child will be sleeping. Mostly in terms of safety. Whether or not the parents can be trusted to provide adequate levels of supervision. Whether or not older siblings will introduce your child to inappropriate things. Whether or not your child will be put in a position to be hurt in this surrounding. And to be entirely honest, the whole thing baffles me.
See, these other mothers immediately jumped to sexual abuse and molestation as an imminent and real threat. And my mouth just dropped at this. I think it’s the imminence these mothers see that shocks me the most. They essentially feel like they won’t allow sleepovers at all until they feel their children are old enough to be their own advocates. Which essentially means their first night away from home will happen when they leave for college. I don’t mean to be flip, but seriously. Can anyone truthfully say they were completely equipped to be their own advocates, not to be influenced by questions of social or emotional pressures, much before they left the nest? Or more to the point, until they had to create (and perhaps defend) their own nest?