Let the awards season begin! I love awards season. This time last year I wrote about how much I love to be a peeping tom on the glitz and glamour of the whole thing. About how much I loved the fancy dresses and the women dripping in diamonds. And that still holds true.
Showing posts with label awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awareness. Show all posts
1/17/10
Glitz and Glamour Overshadowed
11/30/09
11/29/09 - The Drive Home
So my mom, dad, husband and I sat down last night after the children went to bed to have “the talk.” You know, the one we’d all been dodging for the entire week? Yeah, I finally pushed the issue and asked that we all sit down to talk. “What do you want to talk about?” my dad asked. How about how you want to spend the rest of your life for starters? That led us into discussing hospice and the fact that in order to make sure my dad is as comfortable as possible we need him to be really communicative with us as to his pain level and overall state of comfort so that we can be as proactive as possible in taking care of him when we need to. Since they live so far away from town, it’s just so much better to be prepared for anything than try to figure it out as we go along in my opinion. And yes, I’m well aware that this is me trying to control whatever I can wrap my hands around in a situation that is entirely out of my control.
10/9/09
Nobel Vision
“We were quite surprised.” – Sr. White House official on President Obama’s being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
I must say that I agree. Not to say he doesn’t deserve it. But that I’m surprised he got it at this point in time. I believe Barack Obama to possess incredible potential to do amazing work in this world. I think he has the capacity to bring people together in a way that not many do and he is completely unabashed about leveraging that capacity to work towards international peace and provide a stronger and safer way of life in all of our back yards.
The general consensus seems to be this is the Nobel committee’s way of encouraging him to keep doing the work that needs to be done regardless of his prior experience. Their way, perhaps, of lending him the Nobel pedigree to further embolden him to keep making strides towards realizing his vision. And that I can totally buy. Although I wonder how that makes him feel? That while enough of the world already agrees and supports the work he’s doing to get him nominated for the Nobel in the first place, they also still feel that his qualifications are lacking enough to need to borrow pedigree of any kind.
I guess the most interesting thing is that it appears that Obama’s particular vision is apparently quenching some worldwide need big enough to warrant this kind of recognition. That his vision alone is enough in the world as it is to garner this type of encouragement. Because even though I love the guy, let’s face it, there simply hasn’t been enough time yet for him to achieve much of his vision internationally (or domestically for that matter). So this award is much more of a “you go boy!” type of thing to keep him going down the path he’s laid.
All in all I think it’s a brilliant thing. Brilliant that the world is aware enough that peace is in fact what it needs. Brilliant that they recognize in this man the ability to bring us all closer to that vision. Brilliant that Obama now has one more tool to get the job done.
I must say that I agree. Not to say he doesn’t deserve it. But that I’m surprised he got it at this point in time. I believe Barack Obama to possess incredible potential to do amazing work in this world. I think he has the capacity to bring people together in a way that not many do and he is completely unabashed about leveraging that capacity to work towards international peace and provide a stronger and safer way of life in all of our back yards.
The general consensus seems to be this is the Nobel committee’s way of encouraging him to keep doing the work that needs to be done regardless of his prior experience. Their way, perhaps, of lending him the Nobel pedigree to further embolden him to keep making strides towards realizing his vision. And that I can totally buy. Although I wonder how that makes him feel? That while enough of the world already agrees and supports the work he’s doing to get him nominated for the Nobel in the first place, they also still feel that his qualifications are lacking enough to need to borrow pedigree of any kind.
I guess the most interesting thing is that it appears that Obama’s particular vision is apparently quenching some worldwide need big enough to warrant this kind of recognition. That his vision alone is enough in the world as it is to garner this type of encouragement. Because even though I love the guy, let’s face it, there simply hasn’t been enough time yet for him to achieve much of his vision internationally (or domestically for that matter). So this award is much more of a “you go boy!” type of thing to keep him going down the path he’s laid.
All in all I think it’s a brilliant thing. Brilliant that the world is aware enough that peace is in fact what it needs. Brilliant that they recognize in this man the ability to bring us all closer to that vision. Brilliant that Obama now has one more tool to get the job done.
7/4/09
Philosophical Love
There was a moment in college when I remember falling hopelessly in love with political philosophy. I took a class the end of my sophomore year that just really took me into the fold.
I grew up discussing politics with my dad over hot turkey sandwiches at Whitespot and pie at Village Inn. I was always very interested in knowing who my parents voted for (my dad would never tell me, my mom always would) as their answers invariably always helped form my own mental vote for what political race we were discussing. Political topics always seemed to get my blood boiling in a way that none other could and I never missed an opportunity to jump on a soap box for a political discussion without much care about the outcome. It was almost always about the discourse for me. The dialogue. The sharing of knowledge held dear and dearly defended. It wasn’t until my senior year in college that I got really invested in winning the debates into which I entered, and that only came from a place of ego. Of wanting, and needing, to be the best in whatever class in which I found myself.
After that first political philosophy class, I came home that summer spouting off Rousseau and de Tocqueville, Locke and Hobbes. As if I had finally uncovered the secrets to the universe all in their writings. As if I was surely the first person to have these inspired epiphanies. As if I had all the answers.
It was incredibly freeing to be that attached to other people’s beliefs. Even though it lasted a short time. Because even though so many of these writings felt kindred in their intention and certainly in their delivery, they were not mine. I could adopt them and riddle off quotes and commit all of their theories and words to memory, but that would no more make them mine than if I had attempted to assign my name to them.
The true gift that this new found love of political philosophy gave me was the permission to take their ideas and run. To be inspired to think for myself in the company of brilliant thoughts.
I grew up discussing politics with my dad over hot turkey sandwiches at Whitespot and pie at Village Inn. I was always very interested in knowing who my parents voted for (my dad would never tell me, my mom always would) as their answers invariably always helped form my own mental vote for what political race we were discussing. Political topics always seemed to get my blood boiling in a way that none other could and I never missed an opportunity to jump on a soap box for a political discussion without much care about the outcome. It was almost always about the discourse for me. The dialogue. The sharing of knowledge held dear and dearly defended. It wasn’t until my senior year in college that I got really invested in winning the debates into which I entered, and that only came from a place of ego. Of wanting, and needing, to be the best in whatever class in which I found myself.
After that first political philosophy class, I came home that summer spouting off Rousseau and de Tocqueville, Locke and Hobbes. As if I had finally uncovered the secrets to the universe all in their writings. As if I was surely the first person to have these inspired epiphanies. As if I had all the answers.
It was incredibly freeing to be that attached to other people’s beliefs. Even though it lasted a short time. Because even though so many of these writings felt kindred in their intention and certainly in their delivery, they were not mine. I could adopt them and riddle off quotes and commit all of their theories and words to memory, but that would no more make them mine than if I had attempted to assign my name to them.
The true gift that this new found love of political philosophy gave me was the permission to take their ideas and run. To be inspired to think for myself in the company of brilliant thoughts.
5/16/09
In Search of Sassy Sandals
So here’s the thing about my Mojo Boots. I can’t wear them in the summer. Ack!!! I’ve been finding myself wishing for rainy or chilly days so that I can still wear them. But we are in full swing spring here, so their days are limited.
One would think that this would be just the excuse I need to go shoe shopping. But there are two problems with that. The first is that while I typically love to go shoe shopping, I really detest shopping for sandals. Like so much else about my body that has changed since having babies, my feet have widened. So it’s almost impossible for me to find cute, sassy, strappy sandals that are even remotely comfortable. And even though I’m willing to wear shoes for a short time that aren’t Birkenstock level of comfort, I do need to be able to actually stand up and walk in them without crying.
The second problem is that I’m actually pretty sure that I won’t be able to find any sandals that will measure up to the Mojo Boots. Because sandals just carry a different kind of attitude with them. An open, sexier kind of feel. And that’s not necessarily something I’m entirely comfortable with as of yet.
The Mojo Boots make me feel powerful and badass. Sandals tend to make me feel a bit more exposed. And I guess that if I can find that perfect pair of sandals that they too will rise to the level of appreciation and acclaim that the Mojo Boots have. I have to give sandals a chance I suppose.
Mostly what this all boils down to is embracing summer. And I’ve always rebelled against summer. Because of the heat and the change in wardrobe and, well, the heat.
Summer means the baring of suntanned skin, the trickle of sweat running down my back. The tank tops and the shorter skirts and capris. Running through the sprinklers or playing in the pool with the kiddos. Embracing summer is a bit of a risk for me. Because it means embracing my own inner sexiness. And it’s time I suppose. Now I just have to find those Sassy Sandals.
One would think that this would be just the excuse I need to go shoe shopping. But there are two problems with that. The first is that while I typically love to go shoe shopping, I really detest shopping for sandals. Like so much else about my body that has changed since having babies, my feet have widened. So it’s almost impossible for me to find cute, sassy, strappy sandals that are even remotely comfortable. And even though I’m willing to wear shoes for a short time that aren’t Birkenstock level of comfort, I do need to be able to actually stand up and walk in them without crying.
The second problem is that I’m actually pretty sure that I won’t be able to find any sandals that will measure up to the Mojo Boots. Because sandals just carry a different kind of attitude with them. An open, sexier kind of feel. And that’s not necessarily something I’m entirely comfortable with as of yet.
The Mojo Boots make me feel powerful and badass. Sandals tend to make me feel a bit more exposed. And I guess that if I can find that perfect pair of sandals that they too will rise to the level of appreciation and acclaim that the Mojo Boots have. I have to give sandals a chance I suppose.
Mostly what this all boils down to is embracing summer. And I’ve always rebelled against summer. Because of the heat and the change in wardrobe and, well, the heat.
Summer means the baring of suntanned skin, the trickle of sweat running down my back. The tank tops and the shorter skirts and capris. Running through the sprinklers or playing in the pool with the kiddos. Embracing summer is a bit of a risk for me. Because it means embracing my own inner sexiness. And it’s time I suppose. Now I just have to find those Sassy Sandals.
4/10/09
A Healthy Dose of Belligerence
FUCK!!! Fucketty, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!
I’ve got some pent up belligerence boiling I think. Because every time I try to retreat to the peace of my own inner thoughts, all I’m finding is me screaming FUCK at the top of my lungs. Ever since the silent retreat, I’ve been doing everything I can to be a picture of peace, joy, patience and awareness. And for the most part I’ve been successful. I can catch myself when I’m manufacturing drama. I can catch myself when I’m getting entrenched in fear. I can catch myself when I’m projecting or hiding behind some silly mind story or feeding an unhealthy coping mechanism. I’ve been doing pretty damn well actually.
But today? Today I woke up crabby, belligerent and not wanting to do much of anything. I want to smoke and cuss, eat junk food and drink cocktails, ignore my children and my responsibilities. I want to tell the Buddha and Joseph Goldstein to take a big ol’ hike on the highway to go fuck yourself. I want to get in my car, drive away and not look back. I want to dye my hair purple and hot pink even though I might get an interview any day. I want to write awful emails to all of the places that I’ve applied to for a job that I am more than qualified for and point out how much my resume fucking rocks and they must be absolute idiots for missing that fact. I want to encase myself in a Plexiglas box so that my children CANNOT be in constant contact with me. I want to tell my husband to get off his fucking high horse and try walking a mile in my shoes for a couple of days. I want to strangle the office manager at The Girl’s preschool for the complete lack of accounting competence. I want to throw my scale out the window and embrace a feminist fuck it attitude when it comes to what I look like. I want to beat the shit out of the creator of Dora.
And I want to do it all while gorging on barbeque potato chips thank you very much.
I’ve got some pent up belligerence boiling I think. Because every time I try to retreat to the peace of my own inner thoughts, all I’m finding is me screaming FUCK at the top of my lungs. Ever since the silent retreat, I’ve been doing everything I can to be a picture of peace, joy, patience and awareness. And for the most part I’ve been successful. I can catch myself when I’m manufacturing drama. I can catch myself when I’m getting entrenched in fear. I can catch myself when I’m projecting or hiding behind some silly mind story or feeding an unhealthy coping mechanism. I’ve been doing pretty damn well actually.
But today? Today I woke up crabby, belligerent and not wanting to do much of anything. I want to smoke and cuss, eat junk food and drink cocktails, ignore my children and my responsibilities. I want to tell the Buddha and Joseph Goldstein to take a big ol’ hike on the highway to go fuck yourself. I want to get in my car, drive away and not look back. I want to dye my hair purple and hot pink even though I might get an interview any day. I want to write awful emails to all of the places that I’ve applied to for a job that I am more than qualified for and point out how much my resume fucking rocks and they must be absolute idiots for missing that fact. I want to encase myself in a Plexiglas box so that my children CANNOT be in constant contact with me. I want to tell my husband to get off his fucking high horse and try walking a mile in my shoes for a couple of days. I want to strangle the office manager at The Girl’s preschool for the complete lack of accounting competence. I want to throw my scale out the window and embrace a feminist fuck it attitude when it comes to what I look like. I want to beat the shit out of the creator of Dora.
And I want to do it all while gorging on barbeque potato chips thank you very much.
4/9/09
Raw
I’m feeling utterly raw today. As if all of my coping mechanisms have been stripped from me and I’m just here, all guts and glory spread out across the town square on exhibition. The silent retreat forced me to shed all the bullshit I had woven around me like some great, colorful sari draped and wound carefully around the most sensitive areas. And being with girlfriends who were so willing to take me where I am peeled more and more layers back.
But now, here I am, back in the “real” world and I am just raw. Which immediately sends my mind into hyper-protective mode. Sending up whole new layers of bullshit decorated with things like sadness and frustration and defeat. And I can see them building themselves up. Growing around me like vines, slithering their ways into the cracks and gaps.
So I have to make a conscious choice to pull out the weed killer and the gardening shears to cut back those stupid interloping thoughts and mind tricks. And that is a hard choice to make. Because it would be easier to hide. It’s always easier to create some façade to hide behind than it is to just put yourself out there and be honest about who you are.
And mostly what makes it hard is that that honesty changes every day. Yesterday I was confident, honest, present, beautiful and powerful. Today I am just raw. Which means tears at some stupid commercial and lack of patience with my children and second guessing myself left and right. Of course all of that crap is just fear. I am every day who I was yesterday. And today there is fear. Fear that I’m too much for people to deal with. Fear that I’m on the wrong path. Fear that I’ll never fit.
It’s just fear. And as I’ve said before, fear only exists in the future. So today my mind is busy projecting itself into the future while the rest of me, the rawness of the real me, is scraping and clawing to hang on to today. To right now. To this moment. There is beauty right now and that is my chosen present.
But now, here I am, back in the “real” world and I am just raw. Which immediately sends my mind into hyper-protective mode. Sending up whole new layers of bullshit decorated with things like sadness and frustration and defeat. And I can see them building themselves up. Growing around me like vines, slithering their ways into the cracks and gaps.
So I have to make a conscious choice to pull out the weed killer and the gardening shears to cut back those stupid interloping thoughts and mind tricks. And that is a hard choice to make. Because it would be easier to hide. It’s always easier to create some façade to hide behind than it is to just put yourself out there and be honest about who you are.
And mostly what makes it hard is that that honesty changes every day. Yesterday I was confident, honest, present, beautiful and powerful. Today I am just raw. Which means tears at some stupid commercial and lack of patience with my children and second guessing myself left and right. Of course all of that crap is just fear. I am every day who I was yesterday. And today there is fear. Fear that I’m too much for people to deal with. Fear that I’m on the wrong path. Fear that I’ll never fit.
It’s just fear. And as I’ve said before, fear only exists in the future. So today my mind is busy projecting itself into the future while the rest of me, the rawness of the real me, is scraping and clawing to hang on to today. To right now. To this moment. There is beauty right now and that is my chosen present.
3/31/09
Truth for Today
“I am committed to the truth, not consistency.” – Gandhi
This is a quote that really strikes home with my heart, but not necessarily my brain. My dad taught me to be as consistent as possible. Pick something to believe in and then defend it to the death. So that’s what I’ve worked on perfecting for the majority of my life. I learned quickly that my formal logic classes in college were most useful when put to the test in a debate. I started researching the topics I felt most passionately about in my free time, just so that I’d be ready for any argument that happened to find me. I was a little obsessive. But I wanted to make sure that I was always ready to win, to prove my point. To be right.
And most of the time I did win. Who knows how right I was in the process, but I was one of the best debaters I knew. And it didn’t matter who I was debating against, friend or foe, no punches were pulled and no feelings considered.
As I’ve gotten older however, my definition of truth has started shifting as I’ve started shifting. I’m finding the ability to see the world as a black and white place is quickly being replaced by a paradigm shift. My own personal paradigm is shifting into something more fluid and defined by my journey and less by my reaction to the newspaper headlines.
Right now my truth is rooted in joy. As I allow myself to rediscover my spirit; excavate it from the years of bullshit under which it’s been, the core of it is joy. Pure, unadulterated joy. And peace. How lovely is that? I’ve always wanted to be described as lovely and now I’m starting to see it in myself. The ability to see myself with clarity is a gift in and of itself, let alone the opportunity to actually be who I am without fear.
For this moment, today, my commitment is to keep uncovering my truth and living it. Living and breathing joy. Allowing it to radiate from my being. Gently diligent instead of compulsively ruthless. Breathing in and breathing out.
This is a quote that really strikes home with my heart, but not necessarily my brain. My dad taught me to be as consistent as possible. Pick something to believe in and then defend it to the death. So that’s what I’ve worked on perfecting for the majority of my life. I learned quickly that my formal logic classes in college were most useful when put to the test in a debate. I started researching the topics I felt most passionately about in my free time, just so that I’d be ready for any argument that happened to find me. I was a little obsessive. But I wanted to make sure that I was always ready to win, to prove my point. To be right.
And most of the time I did win. Who knows how right I was in the process, but I was one of the best debaters I knew. And it didn’t matter who I was debating against, friend or foe, no punches were pulled and no feelings considered.
As I’ve gotten older however, my definition of truth has started shifting as I’ve started shifting. I’m finding the ability to see the world as a black and white place is quickly being replaced by a paradigm shift. My own personal paradigm is shifting into something more fluid and defined by my journey and less by my reaction to the newspaper headlines.
Right now my truth is rooted in joy. As I allow myself to rediscover my spirit; excavate it from the years of bullshit under which it’s been, the core of it is joy. Pure, unadulterated joy. And peace. How lovely is that? I’ve always wanted to be described as lovely and now I’m starting to see it in myself. The ability to see myself with clarity is a gift in and of itself, let alone the opportunity to actually be who I am without fear.
For this moment, today, my commitment is to keep uncovering my truth and living it. Living and breathing joy. Allowing it to radiate from my being. Gently diligent instead of compulsively ruthless. Breathing in and breathing out.
3/30/09
3/30/09 - Today is Today
I woke up tired, but more centered this morning. Which is a good thing. Just focused on today. Which is a very good thing. And feeling better in general physically than when I went to bed. I’ve been just reconnecting with friends, getting everything typed up and posted to catch up the blog and finishing getting caught up on email.
I came home to two job rejections, but really good news in the size of our tax refund, so that sort of balances out. And I’m going out of town again at the end of the week for a long girls only getaway weekend. We’ve rented a house outside of Buena Vista with its own private hot spring. Oh yeah, we’re totally spoiling ourselves. So I’m really looking forward to that as it will definitely ease the continuing process of re-entry.
As I was trying to find something for lunch today, I had a sudden urge to go through our pantry and fridge and just clean them both out. I just spent the last five days eating all vegetarian, completely organic, mostly gluten-free, very low sugar, very low dairy and very low salt diet. And I felt pretty great with a pretty good amount of energy. Pizza was waiting for us when we drove into the driveway last night, which the kids loved and just made me nauseous. I have been thinking about totally cleaning up our diets for a while now, so this may be just the impetus I need to get it done once and for all.
And I am having a hard time getting out of my jammies today. Which is actually ok since it’s snowing and cold anyway. I was going to have us run errands today, but then figured that would probably send me right over the edge again and the snow sealed the deal on staying home this afternoon. We’ll tackle errands later in the week before I leave on Friday afternoon.
With that, I’ll leave you for today with another note from Joseph Goldstein’s talks: It takes practice to alleviate suffering within and without – with every moment of awareness we are developing the wings of compassion and wisdom.
I came home to two job rejections, but really good news in the size of our tax refund, so that sort of balances out. And I’m going out of town again at the end of the week for a long girls only getaway weekend. We’ve rented a house outside of Buena Vista with its own private hot spring. Oh yeah, we’re totally spoiling ourselves. So I’m really looking forward to that as it will definitely ease the continuing process of re-entry.
As I was trying to find something for lunch today, I had a sudden urge to go through our pantry and fridge and just clean them both out. I just spent the last five days eating all vegetarian, completely organic, mostly gluten-free, very low sugar, very low dairy and very low salt diet. And I felt pretty great with a pretty good amount of energy. Pizza was waiting for us when we drove into the driveway last night, which the kids loved and just made me nauseous. I have been thinking about totally cleaning up our diets for a while now, so this may be just the impetus I need to get it done once and for all.
And I am having a hard time getting out of my jammies today. Which is actually ok since it’s snowing and cold anyway. I was going to have us run errands today, but then figured that would probably send me right over the edge again and the snow sealed the deal on staying home this afternoon. We’ll tackle errands later in the week before I leave on Friday afternoon.
With that, I’ll leave you for today with another note from Joseph Goldstein’s talks: It takes practice to alleviate suffering within and without – with every moment of awareness we are developing the wings of compassion and wisdom.