My mom called me around lunchtime today to tell me that my dad was in the back of ambulance being taken to the hospital because they had discovered he was in Atrial Flutter and his blood pressure was soaring at a routine visit. I mean, the fact that my dad was actually at a doctor’s office was anything but routine. This is the first time I can remember him being at a doctor’s office voluntarily for probably 10 years or more. But this persistent cough he has finally got to him and in he went. Little did he know that he would walk in there under his own volition and his body would betray him and land him squarely in the holding hands of modern medicine.
They did a CT scan and found an 8 centimeter large mass in his lung which is pushing up into his aorta causing all sorts of serious problems. The first of which is the Atrial Flutter, which they cannot get to revert back to normal sinus rhythm. The second of which is full body edema and his blood pressure is through the roof as is his heart rate. His oxygen saturation is way down and he also has fluid in the lower lobes of both lungs.
Is this fucking year over yet? Seriously.
Anyway, they’re now waiting for the cardiologist and the pulmonologist to make an appearance so they can look at the CT results and make a recommendation for what to do now. To me it’s obvious that the mass has to come out. But my mom wasn’t sure if they would want to run more tests first or just go ahead and get him into surgery to take the sucker out.
So for now, I am breathing and trying to just stay present. We’ll tackle this as it comes and until we know more, I’m just sitting still. I’m not planning. I’m trying not to think. I’m just being. I’m kissing my babies and holding them tight. I’m indulging in some serious brain candy with Thursday night TV and maybe having nothing but popcorn and Snickers for dinner. I’m breathing in and out and waiting for news.
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
11/12/09
8/16/09
Deja Vu Panic
Speaking of barking. The Girl woke up with a big, bad, barky cough this morning. She has a low grade fever. And I was immediately filled with the panic that filled most of this past winter and spring. We immediately did a nebulizer treatment with her, which didn’t seem to have any immediate effect. We’re out of the liquid steroid we usually give her when she has the croup. The only solace that I’m taking from this is that, to date, her bouts of pneumonia haven’t ever stemmed from the croup. And that her fever is not currently rising. Other than being a bit whiny and obviously feeling a wee bit punk, you wouldn’t know she was sick other than when she coughs this horrible, gut wrenching bark.
So we’re going to have to stick close to home for the day in an effort to de-rail the bark and keep her fever low. My husband is washing dogs and I am putting that panic on a very short leash because as of right now, there’s not much to worry about. We have weathered more croupy outbreaks with The Boy than I can remember. Until this past winter, I was never really afraid of the croup. It was totally manageable and not a source of fear. But now every time The Girl feels just a bit warm, or her nose starts running, or heaven forbid, she starts coughing even just a little, I spin into déjà vu panic.
But I am just trying to keep present. And realize that this is now and that was then. That just because she had one febrile seizure does not mean she will ever have another one. That just because we’ve only had about two months with her being healthy does not mean we are in for another nightmare repeat.
That I just have to keep on with this whole year’s worth of lessons: patience and having the courage to just be entirely present in whatever moment I find myself in. I have to be patient with the process of this life and with the moment. And I have to be present enough to see the fruit of that patience.
So we’re going to have to stick close to home for the day in an effort to de-rail the bark and keep her fever low. My husband is washing dogs and I am putting that panic on a very short leash because as of right now, there’s not much to worry about. We have weathered more croupy outbreaks with The Boy than I can remember. Until this past winter, I was never really afraid of the croup. It was totally manageable and not a source of fear. But now every time The Girl feels just a bit warm, or her nose starts running, or heaven forbid, she starts coughing even just a little, I spin into déjà vu panic.
But I am just trying to keep present. And realize that this is now and that was then. That just because she had one febrile seizure does not mean she will ever have another one. That just because we’ve only had about two months with her being healthy does not mean we are in for another nightmare repeat.
That I just have to keep on with this whole year’s worth of lessons: patience and having the courage to just be entirely present in whatever moment I find myself in. I have to be patient with the process of this life and with the moment. And I have to be present enough to see the fruit of that patience.
8/15/09 - Frustra-shon
The Girl and I didn’t go anywhere yesterday. We just hung out all day and played, caught up on some house stuff and relaxed. I didn’t even check my cell phone because everyone that I know knows that my cell phone lives in the car. That unless I am out and about, I don’t even give a second thought to my cell. That calling me at home is definitely the best option for getting a hold of me. Well almost everyone I know. Because when we got in the car today to go run errands, I looked at my cell to find one new voicemail. And it was from THE administrative big whig. Calling to talk to me about the position I had interviewed for. And the call had come at 9:30am on Friday morning.
Damnit!!!
So. Even though it was Saturday and I knew no one would get the message, I called him back immediately to say that I had only just gotten his message and that I would call back first thing Monday morning. I was pretty upset. But know that there’s nothing more I can do until Monday, so I’ve gone back to trying to forget about the whole thing and just enjoy my weekend with my family. It’s sort of working. My mind is running wild with imagined conversations that might have happened if I had only checked my voicemail sooner, but I’m doing my best to just not listen.
Instead I’m looking forward to delving deeper into the second season of Deadwood when the kids go to bed. And trying to come up with something purely fun to do with the kiddos tomorrow since all we did today was chores and errands. Maybe we’ll go see a movie or if it’s nice and warm maybe we’ll go to a fountain or just get in the pool in our backyard. I would just really love to have a footloose and fancy free day with my family tomorrow. It’s been a while since we’ve had one of those.
A day of fun should keep my brain on a leash. Or at the very least barking somewhere I don’t have to hear it.
Damnit!!!
So. Even though it was Saturday and I knew no one would get the message, I called him back immediately to say that I had only just gotten his message and that I would call back first thing Monday morning. I was pretty upset. But know that there’s nothing more I can do until Monday, so I’ve gone back to trying to forget about the whole thing and just enjoy my weekend with my family. It’s sort of working. My mind is running wild with imagined conversations that might have happened if I had only checked my voicemail sooner, but I’m doing my best to just not listen.
Instead I’m looking forward to delving deeper into the second season of Deadwood when the kids go to bed. And trying to come up with something purely fun to do with the kiddos tomorrow since all we did today was chores and errands. Maybe we’ll go see a movie or if it’s nice and warm maybe we’ll go to a fountain or just get in the pool in our backyard. I would just really love to have a footloose and fancy free day with my family tomorrow. It’s been a while since we’ve had one of those.
A day of fun should keep my brain on a leash. Or at the very least barking somewhere I don’t have to hear it.
8/9/09
Life in the Slow Lane
**I'm sorry I dropped off the face of the earth without warning!! But I left the state and didn't have any cell service, let alone internet access. So I'm sorry these are all so late, but here they are for your reading enjoyment!**
Among several others of my most attractive personality traits, I think I’ve well documented my lack of patience. I hate waiting. But wait for a couple of weeks I shall have to do. And maybe waiting this time will be a little more bearable because I’m still full of the feeling the interview left me with as well as the joy of seeing friends. I find myself actually looking forward to the upcoming week. Having the opportunity to just hang out with The Girl while The Boy is in school. She and I having the chance to just make up our days as we go along because we have absolutely nothing on our calendar this week. It’s a rare freedom, and I’m intent on enjoying every minute of it.
So in the midst of the waiting, there is actually a whole week to look forward to. Maybe we’ll go to the zoo or the natural history museum. Or maybe I’ll take her swimming. Or just sit out on the front step and laugh as she plays in the sprinklers. I think we’ll go back to the library since she loves it so much.
I’m pretty sure that our neighborhood school starts this week, so she won’t have any friends to play with. It’s really just she and I.
This is a chance for her to be an only child of sorts. The Boy had almost three whole years of being an only child before she came along. But The Girl has never really had the experience of having all of my attention at her beck and call. And I’ve never had it to give. With the prospect of me going back to work full-time and her going to a full day daycare or preschool, the idea of being able to just be with my daughter is rather appealing.
The Boy starting first grade has really reminded me of how fast childhood passes. And with the hopeful possibility of our lives getting a lot faster and busier in the months to come, I’m going to take advantage of this slow time to enjoy my children and my life before change takes over, one way or another.
Among several others of my most attractive personality traits, I think I’ve well documented my lack of patience. I hate waiting. But wait for a couple of weeks I shall have to do. And maybe waiting this time will be a little more bearable because I’m still full of the feeling the interview left me with as well as the joy of seeing friends. I find myself actually looking forward to the upcoming week. Having the opportunity to just hang out with The Girl while The Boy is in school. She and I having the chance to just make up our days as we go along because we have absolutely nothing on our calendar this week. It’s a rare freedom, and I’m intent on enjoying every minute of it.
So in the midst of the waiting, there is actually a whole week to look forward to. Maybe we’ll go to the zoo or the natural history museum. Or maybe I’ll take her swimming. Or just sit out on the front step and laugh as she plays in the sprinklers. I think we’ll go back to the library since she loves it so much.
I’m pretty sure that our neighborhood school starts this week, so she won’t have any friends to play with. It’s really just she and I.
This is a chance for her to be an only child of sorts. The Boy had almost three whole years of being an only child before she came along. But The Girl has never really had the experience of having all of my attention at her beck and call. And I’ve never had it to give. With the prospect of me going back to work full-time and her going to a full day daycare or preschool, the idea of being able to just be with my daughter is rather appealing.
The Boy starting first grade has really reminded me of how fast childhood passes. And with the hopeful possibility of our lives getting a lot faster and busier in the months to come, I’m going to take advantage of this slow time to enjoy my children and my life before change takes over, one way or another.
7/9/09
7/8/09 - Caretaker Down!
***I crumpled into a sad little mass last night and could not even hold my laptop, so I'm sorry this is late, but better late than never right?***
I woke up this morning with what felt like a huge lump in my throat, and not in the verklempt can be reined in sort of way. In the it’s hard to swallow because it hurts and there is a foreign body lodged in my throat sort of way. It’s been coming and going throughout the day. And I figured I was probably getting sick, because you know, that would make sense for the caretaker to get sick at the absolute worst possible time right? Right. (A tight smile crossing my face while I rattle off a whole litany of cuss words in my head.) But I jumped right on the Echinacea, Vitamin C and garlic with the hopes to at least shorten the length of whatever pestilence had found me once again. Yes. I’m being dramatic. It’s freaking July; there should be NO sickness in my house!
The good thing is that my alma mater called me back today and did a phone interview right there and then. Which was unexpected. But in a good way. I hate waiting. I’m pretty sure I’ve fairly documented my overall lack of patience for you at least a dozen or more times at this point. We talked for about 15 minutes or so, she only had about 3 questions for me, but it was a good 15 minutes and she made it sound like she was going to recommend moving me into the face-to-face interviews portion of the process. As if she was reading my mind, she said “If you don’t hear from us for 2-3 weeks, PLEASE do not freak out, we WILL be in touch!” That was a nice piece of pacification that I’ll hold onto for dear life as the time stretches out and our checking account dwindles.
I’m just babbling away today. I think because as the day wears on, I’m starting to feel as though someone has locked me into a giant vice and is slowly tightening away on my entire body. I would say it felt as though I was hit by a truck, but that implies that the incident was over and it’s clearly not. I’m going to bed now.
I woke up this morning with what felt like a huge lump in my throat, and not in the verklempt can be reined in sort of way. In the it’s hard to swallow because it hurts and there is a foreign body lodged in my throat sort of way. It’s been coming and going throughout the day. And I figured I was probably getting sick, because you know, that would make sense for the caretaker to get sick at the absolute worst possible time right? Right. (A tight smile crossing my face while I rattle off a whole litany of cuss words in my head.) But I jumped right on the Echinacea, Vitamin C and garlic with the hopes to at least shorten the length of whatever pestilence had found me once again. Yes. I’m being dramatic. It’s freaking July; there should be NO sickness in my house!
The good thing is that my alma mater called me back today and did a phone interview right there and then. Which was unexpected. But in a good way. I hate waiting. I’m pretty sure I’ve fairly documented my overall lack of patience for you at least a dozen or more times at this point. We talked for about 15 minutes or so, she only had about 3 questions for me, but it was a good 15 minutes and she made it sound like she was going to recommend moving me into the face-to-face interviews portion of the process. As if she was reading my mind, she said “If you don’t hear from us for 2-3 weeks, PLEASE do not freak out, we WILL be in touch!” That was a nice piece of pacification that I’ll hold onto for dear life as the time stretches out and our checking account dwindles.
I’m just babbling away today. I think because as the day wears on, I’m starting to feel as though someone has locked me into a giant vice and is slowly tightening away on my entire body. I would say it felt as though I was hit by a truck, but that implies that the incident was over and it’s clearly not. I’m going to bed now.
6/13/09
6/12/09 - Interview Follow-up
***I done forgot to post this yesterday, sorry!!***
I had the phone interview today and it went really well. I was prepared for it take quite a while, but it only took about half an hour or so and by the end the human resources people I was talking to were fawning over me and telling me how great all my answers were. Which was pretty unexpected.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m good at what I do. But I’m not entirely sure I have ever really considered myself a great interviewer. I can stumble over what I’m trying to say and often I look back and wish I had said something differently. But either I’m getting good enough at what I do that I don’t fumble my words anymore or I’m just getting better at this whole “sell myself” thing.
Probably the biggest thing I was worried about was that because it was a phone interview I knew I was going to be talking to these people on a speaker phone. I hate talking on a speaker phone. For some reason I start talking really loudly as if I imagine them sitting in the next room and listening to me through the wall or something. I always double check to make sure they’ve heard and understood everything I’ve said. It’s just plain taxing. Plus I just really like to be able to see people’s facial expressions. They can tell me if I’ve answered a question in a satisfactory way or if I need to keep going. With a phone interview I just have to guess that they aren’t sitting there making funny faces at each other over every word that I’ve said.
I got to learn a bit more about the company and the position. And I think my biggest hesitation at this point is that I’ll get bored. It seems that there is not a lot of creativity involved in the position and I will only be writing state and federal grants. I’m sure I’ll have my plate continually full; I just hope it’s full with different things.
So now I get to play the waiting game. Just kidding…no waiting game. I have another interview next week.
I had the phone interview today and it went really well. I was prepared for it take quite a while, but it only took about half an hour or so and by the end the human resources people I was talking to were fawning over me and telling me how great all my answers were. Which was pretty unexpected.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m good at what I do. But I’m not entirely sure I have ever really considered myself a great interviewer. I can stumble over what I’m trying to say and often I look back and wish I had said something differently. But either I’m getting good enough at what I do that I don’t fumble my words anymore or I’m just getting better at this whole “sell myself” thing.
Probably the biggest thing I was worried about was that because it was a phone interview I knew I was going to be talking to these people on a speaker phone. I hate talking on a speaker phone. For some reason I start talking really loudly as if I imagine them sitting in the next room and listening to me through the wall or something. I always double check to make sure they’ve heard and understood everything I’ve said. It’s just plain taxing. Plus I just really like to be able to see people’s facial expressions. They can tell me if I’ve answered a question in a satisfactory way or if I need to keep going. With a phone interview I just have to guess that they aren’t sitting there making funny faces at each other over every word that I’ve said.
I got to learn a bit more about the company and the position. And I think my biggest hesitation at this point is that I’ll get bored. It seems that there is not a lot of creativity involved in the position and I will only be writing state and federal grants. I’m sure I’ll have my plate continually full; I just hope it’s full with different things.
So now I get to play the waiting game. Just kidding…no waiting game. I have another interview next week.
5/25/09
Technological Impatience
My laptop died a couple of days ago. I shut it down before I went to bed and when I turned it on the next morning it was broken beyond repair. It was totally healthy when I shut it down and then with no provocation, it just gave it up and died. So my husband has spent the last two days trying everything he could think of to get it working again without having to totally re-install everything. I managed to get all the most important stuff off and onto a jump drive before it died completely, but he still ended up having to re-install the entire operating system and start from scratch. This laptop is about two years old, so maybe if this were the first time we’ve had to do this I would have been a wee bit more patience with it. But this is the FOURTH time we’ve had to either re-install the operating system or restore the whole fucking thing to factory condition. FOURTH!!! That’s just ridiculous. I mean there are all sorts of conditions that would have given me more tolerance for a hiccup here and there. But this sucker was new when I bought it so one would think that I’d get a bit more mileage out of it. Let’s just say that the Mac vs. PC commercials now have a whole new meaning for me.
I have a hard time summoning patience with technology is most cases anyway. I just (naively I suppose) expect it to work. So when there are glitches in my DVD player, or the TV or my iPod or my computer it just really pisses me off. It. Should. Just. Work. All. The. Time. Period.
And when it doesn’t, my husband just shakes his head and laughs (quietly) at my irritation and tries to fix it as quickly as possible so that he doesn’t have to listen to me bitch endlessly about how stupid some electronic device is or isn’t. So I’m glad for his tolerance of my lack of patience.
But I swear to all that is holy that if my computer fucks up again, I am throwing the sucker through the window.
I have a hard time summoning patience with technology is most cases anyway. I just (naively I suppose) expect it to work. So when there are glitches in my DVD player, or the TV or my iPod or my computer it just really pisses me off. It. Should. Just. Work. All. The. Time. Period.
And when it doesn’t, my husband just shakes his head and laughs (quietly) at my irritation and tries to fix it as quickly as possible so that he doesn’t have to listen to me bitch endlessly about how stupid some electronic device is or isn’t. So I’m glad for his tolerance of my lack of patience.
But I swear to all that is holy that if my computer fucks up again, I am throwing the sucker through the window.
3/4/09
Work in Progress
Patience (pā-shəns) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.
Endurance? Check.
Perseverance? Check.
Forbearance? Check.
Steadfastness? Check.
All of these things “without becoming annoyed or upset”? Not so much.
I am an only child. I am occasionally too smart for my own good. I am action oriented. I am trusting almost to a fault. I am kind, compassionate, creative and motivated. But waiting for things to just pan out is not my forte. When I make a decision, I am ready to have it happen post haste. Not when it is supposed to or when the universe thinks I’m ready for it. Now goddamnit!
And I know this is something requiring work. That regardless of how charming, cute or full of guile I may be, that there are times when I simply must be patient. Whether that be waiting for the stars to align, for someone to review my resume or to be worked into someone else’s schedule. I must be willing to learn the patience I preach to my children.
Maybe that’s the crux of it all. That I must be willing to re-learn the patience from my childhood. I must be willing to accept that throwing temper tantrums or unnecessary poking is not the answer to anything. And maybe that I’m waiting for a reason. That there is some grand master plan that I’m working out by putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out all day. If I do my part, then the pieces will eventually all fall together into some amazing masterpiece. Or something. I don’t fricking frakking know.
Mostly I guess I’m just trying to make myself feel better about being such an impatient person, and give myself some hope that I can be better at it. And trying to come up with something profound to give me the impetus to keep working. I guess life will just have to do for now.
Endurance? Check.
Perseverance? Check.
Forbearance? Check.
Steadfastness? Check.
All of these things “without becoming annoyed or upset”? Not so much.
I am an only child. I am occasionally too smart for my own good. I am action oriented. I am trusting almost to a fault. I am kind, compassionate, creative and motivated. But waiting for things to just pan out is not my forte. When I make a decision, I am ready to have it happen post haste. Not when it is supposed to or when the universe thinks I’m ready for it. Now goddamnit!
And I know this is something requiring work. That regardless of how charming, cute or full of guile I may be, that there are times when I simply must be patient. Whether that be waiting for the stars to align, for someone to review my resume or to be worked into someone else’s schedule. I must be willing to learn the patience I preach to my children.
Maybe that’s the crux of it all. That I must be willing to re-learn the patience from my childhood. I must be willing to accept that throwing temper tantrums or unnecessary poking is not the answer to anything. And maybe that I’m waiting for a reason. That there is some grand master plan that I’m working out by putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out all day. If I do my part, then the pieces will eventually all fall together into some amazing masterpiece. Or something. I don’t fricking frakking know.
Mostly I guess I’m just trying to make myself feel better about being such an impatient person, and give myself some hope that I can be better at it. And trying to come up with something profound to give me the impetus to keep working. I guess life will just have to do for now.
1/8/09
Patience
I have a vivid memory of when I was younger and it was Easter. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, young enough to still believe in the Easter Bunny, but old enough that I can remember this. My mom had taken me to an Easter egg hunt in the lawn outside the May D&F in Cherry Creek. There were so many children there. All dressed up in their Easter finery. And we were all waiting for the hunt to begin. We must’ve waited for an hour or more. And I distinctly remember my mom looking down at me and saying, “You must be the most patient child ever known to man!”
The comment took me off guard, mostly because I didn’t really know that there was any other option but to be patient. I looked around at all of the other children and most were whining, or crying or running around with irate parents in tow. I had simply just been standing there, staring off into space, waiting for the event to begin.
There are a lot of other memories I have where my mom would comment on my level of patience and I remember always feeling the same way, that it was unremarkable. What else was I going to do? Throw a fit and then stand in line some more? It was just easier to wait quietly.
But now, at the ripe age of 32, I’m fairly certain that I used up all of my patience when I was younger. Because I now have very little. I love surprises, but I hate waiting for them to happen. Even when I was in high school and wanted to be a drama teacher, I knew I’d never make it because I quite simply didn’t have the patience it took to wait for students to grasp something.
Every time I’m vibrating with anticipation over something that is still days or weeks away or waiting for my son to put his shoes on, my dad’s voice makes its way into my consciousness: “Patience is a virtue,” “Practice makes perfect.” Ah, the mantras of my youth! Some things never change though, those words still make me crazy.
The comment took me off guard, mostly because I didn’t really know that there was any other option but to be patient. I looked around at all of the other children and most were whining, or crying or running around with irate parents in tow. I had simply just been standing there, staring off into space, waiting for the event to begin.
There are a lot of other memories I have where my mom would comment on my level of patience and I remember always feeling the same way, that it was unremarkable. What else was I going to do? Throw a fit and then stand in line some more? It was just easier to wait quietly.
But now, at the ripe age of 32, I’m fairly certain that I used up all of my patience when I was younger. Because I now have very little. I love surprises, but I hate waiting for them to happen. Even when I was in high school and wanted to be a drama teacher, I knew I’d never make it because I quite simply didn’t have the patience it took to wait for students to grasp something.
Every time I’m vibrating with anticipation over something that is still days or weeks away or waiting for my son to put his shoes on, my dad’s voice makes its way into my consciousness: “Patience is a virtue,” “Practice makes perfect.” Ah, the mantras of my youth! Some things never change though, those words still make me crazy.