Sorry to be posting so late in the day, but this has been an up and down, crazy kind of week. Full of visits from my mom (whom I didn’t want to leave), migraines that ate up two days, trying to work while bouncing off of my goofy kids, trying to brainstorm and name this foundation, feeling utterly and completely daunted at the thought of starting this foundation by myself, reconnecting with old friends who know and love me still after all these years and trying to squeeze in some soul searching and growth into the cracks.
The Girl is almost three. Man do I hate three. Three gets under my skin like nothing else. It’s all whiny and amorphous. Full of temper tantrums and a sudden swinging from loving superheroes and trucks to all things princess and pink. What am I supposed to do with pink?!? I’ve no idea what to do with a girly girl. So this little girl that has been like my heart walking around outside my body for the past almost three years is now a bit of a stranger and that is hard to take. It happened to me with The Boy too, but it’s still taken me a wee bit off guard. And I know it won’t be the last time for either of them. Namely when puberty hits, I know they’ll be body snatched. Hopefully I’ll be more prepared by then. Have a contingency plan or an emergency kit or something in place. Or maybe just a really stiff martini.
And I’m finding myself in a general dearth of day dreaming. My best writing seems to come from those moments when everything just turns off and I find myself somewhere else, writing furiously fast in my head. And there has been none of that this past week. I think I’ve let the pendulum swing too far the other way. Going from being totally immersed in some fairytale to trying to just be present, I’ve gone all the way to stripping the fun, texture and glee from the moments. So once again, I am struggling for balance. To be present and authentic in every moment. Wish me luck.
Showing posts with label practice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label practice. Show all posts
4/16/09
3/30/09
3/25/09 - Day Three
“All are brushstrokes of the mind.” – Joseph Goldstein
In other words, we all make shit up all the time. We imagine so many things and then project them onto our inspiration. Also? My practice is my practice. I don’t need approval from anyone else, nor should I look for or expect it. I discovered today that much, much greater focus comes when I sit with my legs crossed in front of me instead of behind me sitting on a meditation bench or cushion. And I also am able to focus more with my eyes open instead of closed. I guess meditating with your eyes open is very in line with Zen tradition (zazen) and a specific branch of Tibetan Buddhism – I can’t remember the name right now though.
We listened to a discourse tonight that just really clicked with me. He was talking about fear and how one of the most paralyzing things we do to ourselves is to fear fear. If we can just allow ourselves to sit with it, be with it, it will most often just disappear all on its own.
Fear of not being good enough causes us to cling to the people we love and then we look to them to be the saviors of our self esteem. We need them to build us back up where we ourselves have torn ourselves down. That is a relationship built on fear.
Fear can only exist in the future. It cannot exist in the present. When there is fear it is because we have projected ourselves into the future. Fear of what will or won’t happen. Fear of who we will or won’t meet or connect with. Fear of whether we will or won’t succeed. Fear of some past this or that coming up at the most inopportune time. You name it and the mind will run freely with it.
If we can bring ourselves back to the present, we will find that there is only joy in being. The fear has evaporated. If we can exist moment to moment with ourselves, exactly where we are, there is nothing to fear and the mind is open to the journey. What a blessing!
In other words, we all make shit up all the time. We imagine so many things and then project them onto our inspiration. Also? My practice is my practice. I don’t need approval from anyone else, nor should I look for or expect it. I discovered today that much, much greater focus comes when I sit with my legs crossed in front of me instead of behind me sitting on a meditation bench or cushion. And I also am able to focus more with my eyes open instead of closed. I guess meditating with your eyes open is very in line with Zen tradition (zazen) and a specific branch of Tibetan Buddhism – I can’t remember the name right now though.
We listened to a discourse tonight that just really clicked with me. He was talking about fear and how one of the most paralyzing things we do to ourselves is to fear fear. If we can just allow ourselves to sit with it, be with it, it will most often just disappear all on its own.
Fear of not being good enough causes us to cling to the people we love and then we look to them to be the saviors of our self esteem. We need them to build us back up where we ourselves have torn ourselves down. That is a relationship built on fear.
Fear can only exist in the future. It cannot exist in the present. When there is fear it is because we have projected ourselves into the future. Fear of what will or won’t happen. Fear of who we will or won’t meet or connect with. Fear of whether we will or won’t succeed. Fear of some past this or that coming up at the most inopportune time. You name it and the mind will run freely with it.
If we can bring ourselves back to the present, we will find that there is only joy in being. The fear has evaporated. If we can exist moment to moment with ourselves, exactly where we are, there is nothing to fear and the mind is open to the journey. What a blessing!