I have freakin’ frakkin’ jury duty tomorrow. There was a time when I would have looked forward to jury duty. The last time I was called, in fact, I did look forward to it. I was excited about the opportunity to serve on a jury and get an insider’s view of the justice system. I have been intrigued by the legal system for as long as I can remember. I took a constitutional law class in college and I was hooked. I loved the intricacy of it all, how every word is vitally important to the overall structure of the document or argument. At one point I had in fact decided to get a JD in constitutional law to compliment my PhD in political philosophy. To this day the idea of going to law school makes my heart race.
But today, I am dreading going to jury duty. I don’t really want anything to do with it. I have zero desire to get up early, drive downtown, fight for a parking spot and then sit in a crowded room with a hundred other people while the system decides what to do with us all. My husband has taken the day off to help with the kids while I deal with my civic duty. And I gotta tell you that sitting on uncomfortable chairs all day while my husband is off of work just irritates me. I hate that I have to give up a day of help to not get picked.
The last time I was called for jury duty I made it to the sit in the box and have the lawyers ask you questions part and I got so excited thinking “how could they possibly not pick me? I am intelligent and willing and most of all I want to be here!” Unfortunately, I am pretty sure all of those things are what got me passed over for the job. And to be quite frank, it pissed me off. Made me angry that by being smart and interested, I was unsuitable to be on a jury of my peers.
Maybe tomorrow I will stop paying attention and end all my sentences in prepositions.
Showing posts with label resistance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resistance. Show all posts
8/30/09
3/30/09
3/24/09 - Day Two
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
I have a major, holy crap kind of headache. My mom warned me about this, but I really didn’t think it would be a big deal since I only drink one cup of coffee a day most days. And I am beyond exhausted since I did not sleep at all last night. I was rolling around my bed almost as fast as my brain was running circles around itself. Filled with projections about what was to come.
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
The day is scheduled down to the minute from the 5:30am wake up bell to the last sitting meditation of the day at 9:15pm. There’s an hour and fifteen minutes of yoga every morning after two sitting and one walking meditations. The afternoon is pretty much just alternating sitting and walking every hour until dinner at 5pm and then the evening is more sitting and more walking. I thought maybe I’d have more time to myself.
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
I really thought for some reason that I would just be able to pick up where I left off after the huge New Year’s epiphanies. That I would be able to come to this safe and sacred place and just be. But this day has been really hard. There is so much resistance in me. To the yoga, to the focus, to the being. Just resistance.
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
I collapsed into pose of the child sobbing halfway through the yoga class this morning. All I want to do is hide in my room. Every time I sit I fidget and twitch and my mind makes up things to ramble on and on about. I want a cigarette. Not because I need one, but because I want to do something rebellious. I just remembered that I have a Milky Way bar in my purse. Score!!
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
Everyone around me is so still. And their minds are seemingly so much more disciplined and obedient than mine. I’m letting my mom down. I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve to be here.
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
I have a major, holy crap kind of headache. My mom warned me about this, but I really didn’t think it would be a big deal since I only drink one cup of coffee a day most days. And I am beyond exhausted since I did not sleep at all last night. I was rolling around my bed almost as fast as my brain was running circles around itself. Filled with projections about what was to come.
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
The day is scheduled down to the minute from the 5:30am wake up bell to the last sitting meditation of the day at 9:15pm. There’s an hour and fifteen minutes of yoga every morning after two sitting and one walking meditations. The afternoon is pretty much just alternating sitting and walking every hour until dinner at 5pm and then the evening is more sitting and more walking. I thought maybe I’d have more time to myself.
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
I really thought for some reason that I would just be able to pick up where I left off after the huge New Year’s epiphanies. That I would be able to come to this safe and sacred place and just be. But this day has been really hard. There is so much resistance in me. To the yoga, to the focus, to the being. Just resistance.
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
I collapsed into pose of the child sobbing halfway through the yoga class this morning. All I want to do is hide in my room. Every time I sit I fidget and twitch and my mind makes up things to ramble on and on about. I want a cigarette. Not because I need one, but because I want to do something rebellious. I just remembered that I have a Milky Way bar in my purse. Score!!
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.
Everyone around me is so still. And their minds are seemingly so much more disciplined and obedient than mine. I’m letting my mom down. I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve to be here.
Resistance. I am awash with resistance.