Faking It

“It was an act of complete faith, so simple yet so grand that it took my breath away.” Bonnie Wach

Another saying that I grew up with was “fake it till you make it.” The first time my mom said this to me I wanted to scream at her. Because faking it was not an acceptable way to make it through the days. It felt like lying. That I could just waltz through my days faking confidence, faith or self-esteem. But the deeper I plunge into the piled up luggage fort in my past the more I’m starting to see the wisdom in those words.

It’s not a dishonest act. It’s a simple way of trying to re-train yourself. It took a long time for me to believe that I wasn’t pretty or that I was worthless or stupid. It took a long time to form the conviction that I wasn’t worth being loved. Logic dictates that it will take just as long to unlearn those unfortunate traits. So faking the opposite of those is one way to re-learn how to look at myself in a more honest way. The thought being that if I fake it long enough, there will eventually come a time when I actually stop believing those things to be true and will at long last be able to objectively look at myself as the intelligent, beautiful, confident woman that I am.

But every day becomes a walk of faith. Faith that that day is indeed coming. Faith that my faking it will be good enough. Faith that I can make it through the day with borrowed beliefs that I can one day adopt as my own.

The simple act of facing each day with head held high, shoulders back and anticipation instead of dread is actually so grand that it should take my breath away. And it does. When I let myself see my own courage. When I let myself see my own wisdom. When I let myself see my own spirited gait floating across the landscape of this life. Those days are coming closer and closer together. It is a lot of work teaching an old dog new tricks.