4/6/09 - Dreaming

I go to sleep at night not knowing what awaits me. I don’t know whether or not I’ll be able to sleep. I don’t know whether or not I’ll be able to stay asleep. I don’t know what sort of dreams I will or won’t have.

I used to take refuge in sleep. And now it’s just a great unknown.

I’m back from my lovely girls’ weekend, where I spent three and a half days relishing in not having to be anything other than me. I was with three women who simply by being with me agreed without words to take me as I am. And I spent all weekend not wanting to run or hide.

And now I am back and one of the first thoughts I had was that I wanted a cigarette. And I wanted to hide and disappear. And scream. I missed my babies. But I did not miss participating in this life as it is.

I had a dream last night where an old love came to find me. And he told me how long he had been looking for me. He told me how everything was forgiven. That he still loved me. And that he wanted me to be with him; he wanted to take me away from this life. And it was a lovely dream. To feel adored and taken care of. To be able to relax into being loved. And then I woke up of course. And I was so angry to have had this dream. Like my mind is intentionally trying to make me sad and restless in this life I am currently living. Like my mind is intentionally trying to make me crazy by injecting these dreams full of fairytales and romance into my oh so non-romantic life.

I am so full of resentment towards this dream and towards my mind for doing this. I want to be able to stay present and live this life, walk this path that I am on. Do the work in front of me. I want to be content with the present. I want to want this life. I want to breathe in and out the luxury of being.