Deja Vu Panic

Speaking of barking. The Girl woke up with a big, bad, barky cough this morning. She has a low grade fever. And I was immediately filled with the panic that filled most of this past winter and spring. We immediately did a nebulizer treatment with her, which didn’t seem to have any immediate effect. We’re out of the liquid steroid we usually give her when she has the croup. The only solace that I’m taking from this is that, to date, her bouts of pneumonia haven’t ever stemmed from the croup. And that her fever is not currently rising. Other than being a bit whiny and obviously feeling a wee bit punk, you wouldn’t know she was sick other than when she coughs this horrible, gut wrenching bark.

So we’re going to have to stick close to home for the day in an effort to de-rail the bark and keep her fever low. My husband is washing dogs and I am putting that panic on a very short leash because as of right now, there’s not much to worry about. We have weathered more croupy outbreaks with The Boy than I can remember. Until this past winter, I was never really afraid of the croup. It was totally manageable and not a source of fear. But now every time The Girl feels just a bit warm, or her nose starts running, or heaven forbid, she starts coughing even just a little, I spin into déjà vu panic.

But I am just trying to keep present. And realize that this is now and that was then. That just because she had one febrile seizure does not mean she will ever have another one. That just because we’ve only had about two months with her being healthy does not mean we are in for another nightmare repeat.

That I just have to keep on with this whole year’s worth of lessons: patience and having the courage to just be entirely present in whatever moment I find myself in. I have to be patient with the process of this life and with the moment. And I have to be present enough to see the fruit of that patience.