Rollercoaster Ride

Today has been an up and down sort of day. I’ve been struggling the past several days with this whole bankruptcy thing. I welcome and cannot wait to embrace the clean slate of freedom it will bring us, but it’s still filing for bankruptcy you know? I still see it as a failure on my part to protect and provide for my family regardless of how irrational or untrue that may be. So I’ve pretty much handed the whole process over to my husband, thinking perhaps if he takes it under his wing perhaps he can shepherd it into a much safer port than I’m capable of. So I’ve been working mightily to strike some sort of balance between curbing my needless self-berating and staying as present with whatever arises as possible. I was already failing in that pursuit today when it was time to take The Girl to the doctor this morning.

I fully expected this appointment to be nothing more than a 10 minute in and out visit so that we could touch base with her doc on her asthma management. I’ve been pretty happy with our progress so far. Her doctor came in and we chatted and caught up a bit and then he dutifully listened to her lungs and heart. Got quiet, flipped through her electronic chart and said that she had a heart murmur and wanted us to get in to see a pediatric cardiologist as soon as we could. I adore this doctor for many, many reasons and one of them is because through everything we’ve been through with The Girl he has always been there to keep me grounded if by no other means than he sees so much worse the majority of his days. But today he looked at me and said he was worried.

The rest of my day has been lost to a haze. A haze of fear and uncertainty with me somewhere in the background attempting to bring myself back down to some sort of rational level. Because really we don’t know anything. Just that we need to follow up on these newly presented symptoms.

And so we will. And I’ll keep you posted.


Paige said...

Thinking of you guys! Remember, stay calm and save some "freakout" for later, 'cause it may not be freakout-worthy yet? OTOH, is anything truly ever? Something like that. Love and healing.

mosaica said...

Do you ever get to the point where you get tired of being rational Paige? I mean you just want to freak the fuck out because your ceiling for tolerance and reason just shatters?

Yeah, that's the place I'm trying to put down and step away from...

Is it warranted? Probably not..am I there anyway? Oh yeah...

Thanks for the love..I'm sending it right back to you!! xoxo