9/12/09 - Wanna be my friend?

**Sorry this is late - I was totally wiped yesterday after Garage Sale Day 2 and went to bed without posting.**

I’m really not very good at developing friendships. Once I am in them, I’m a pretty good friend. I do a pretty good job of keeping in touch and letting the people I love know that I’m thinking about them. But when I get into new friendships, I’m not so good. Mostly I think because I lack confidence. I always end up feeling like I’m imposing in some way or another. So I often find myself taking a back seat in the friendship and waiting for them to come to me. Which, I’m fairly sure, ends up sending mixed signals to those with whom I’m trying to strike up a friendship. They probably find themselves thinking I’m unreliable or finicky or some other inconsistent sort of personality trait. But really it’s just that I can’t quite fully bring myself to believe that they would want me around.

Yes. I’m fully aware how silly I sound. How juvenile and ridiculous. But it’s the truth nonetheless.

There are a few women in this mom’s group I’ve been a part of for years that I would love to know better and I’m sure they think I’m flaky as hell because I always tell them how much I enjoy hanging out with them and then I never call or email or follow through with setting up further play dates. They just seem so much cooler than I am.

It’s a strange thing. That I can be so confident in my skills as a mother and professional. As a person in general and then all of that confidence just fails me in new friendships. I suppose I could look at it as I value the people in my life so greatly, that I think so much of them that I try to hold myself to that same standard. That how much I love and appreciate them, makes me want to be a better friend to them.

And that is true. I just sort of wish I could take the confidence component out of it altogether. That I could just be with people as well as I can just be with myself and my family. It would be so much easier.


Paige said...

Pick me, pick me!

Lisa said...

Have you been snooping around in my brain lately?? Seriously. Same thoughts - all the time!

mosaica said...

Paige - consider yourself picked my dear! :)

Lisa - aren't we silly? :) So when are we getting together?

xoxo to you both!

Amy D. said...

I seriously could have written every single word of your post. Literally. I just don't know why anyone would want to be my friend, I'm a complete flake, and when someone says hey we should do coffee sometime, I just think that they are just being polite because, really, they couldn't possibly ACTUALLY want to have coffee with me, right?

mosaica said...

Wow, and here I am thinking I'm the only one!!

Amy - I am one of those who has asked you to go to coffee many times and we've just never followed through..we were both thinking the other didn't really mean it when we each said yes. But for my part, I did mean it!! You should know by now I'm not really all that polite. ;)