9/28/09 - Presently Stressed

My irritation level has been through the roof lately. I mean, yes, I have a lot going on right now and I’m doing everything I can not to project or cause myself any unneeded stress by letting my imagination run wild with anything. And it’s not so much being so quick to crabbiness that has me baffled, it’s who I’m taking it out on that is strange. Mostly my mom and The Girl. They are both just driving me crazy and I’ve no idea why.

My mom was in town all weekend for The Boy’s birthday and I found myself snapping at her left and right no matter what the request or observation was that happened to come out of her mouth. And I felt awful about it, I mean she totally did not deserve the force of my wrath. And neither does The Girl, but I swear I would do almost anything if she would just be quiet. She’s been throwing massive temper tantrums for about the last week; finally coming into her full 3 year old self. And my tolerance for her is remarkably low. So I’ve been yelling and not engaging. And throwing my own tantrums right back at her. It’s not fair to her, not to mention that all I’m actually doing is compounding my own irritation by feeding into hers.

It’s ridiculous really. I mean seriously, how old am I?

Maybe instead of staying as present as I thought I was, I’ve actually been stifling my stress. Thus taking it out on the safe people in my life, i.e. the people who will love me no matter how big of a bitch I may be at any given time. Maybe I should just let myself be stressed. I mean I guess I’ve earned it. I just thought that maybe I was finally above it a bit. That maybe I’d made enough progress to not allow myself to be drug down into the quagmire of drama and trauma. But maybe that’s my ego talking and instead being present right now means just being stressed out. For better or for worse. And knowing that it’s temporary. That everything changes. All the time.

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