When I was pregnant with my first, the most common thing out of my mouth when asked if I was ready was, “I can’t believe that I’m about to be the adult in the phrase ‘Use only with adult supervision.’” I was worried about not being good at it. I was worried that my problem solving abilities wouldn’t be up to par. That I would be completely stymied by this little bundle of joy.
When The Boy arrived, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my instincts clicked. And instead of anxiety and fear upon his arrival, all he brought with him was peace. Peace in having found a purpose that was meant just for me. Peace in knowing that I could take care of this little being using only my body. Peace in being a mother.
The same peace followed when The Girl came on the scene. The same level of confidence.
As they’ve both gotten older however, that confidence has taken a couple of hits and some sucker punches. There are a multitude of “World’s Worst Mother” moments between the two of them and even more decisions and choices that I question daily.
Like today when The Boy tried to slam a door in my face; I pushed back against it and it wound up hitting him in the mouth. And knocking out his first tooth. I was horrified that this milestone got taken away from him because of me. Instead of his first tooth coming out on its own as it should, amid wonder and excitement, it was a bloody mess.
Or the fact that just about every word out of the The Girl’s mouth comes with a whine and whimper. Because she’s my baby, have I unwittingly encouraged this behavior? Have I somehow taught her that crying is the best way to get my attention?
When I started this motherhood journey I was convinced that I had found my life’s work. I was also convinced that the peace would last right along with the confidence. And while I still believe that this is indeed what I was meant to do, I just have to wonder sometimes whether I’m good at it.
2 comments:
you're a great mother... but i think it's an affliction of all mothers to carry the guilt of every accident and mistake they ever made when raising their kids. the boy will remember the first tooth incident as the accident it was, i'm sure. the only thing i really remember about losing my baby teeth was the sensation of putting my tongue into the space left by them (and the difficult of eating around the loose tooth so as not to crunch on it while it was hanging there).
anyway, all you can do is the best you can do. try not to let the guilt get to you--what you've done so far is neither the worst, nor the last of it. (wow, that wasn't nearly as comforting as i had hoped).
btw, love the new blog and glad to be sharing in it.
Thank you my dear, on all accounts. I've missed you friend!
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