Blue Sky, Again

I think that I’m starting to understand that as I go along on this journey that every so often my mind pitches full out, throw itself down on the floor, screaming at the top of its lungs, temper tantrums. These fits usually manifest with me being extraordinarily hard on myself and being a wee bit dramatic. I get caught up in the past mostly. Hammering myself up and down for mistakes made, for hearts broken and days ruined.

I’ve been stuck in this particular quagmire for the last few days. One of my teachers told me once that these mental temper tantrums are evidence of growth. Because the mind is trying to hold onto relevancy for all its worth. But in reality it’s already obsolete. And it knows it. Which is why it throws everything and the kitchen sink at me. In an effort to break me again. To make me rely upon its tricks and veils.

I guess there is part of me that has always known this. I managed to figure out that my pattern with panic attacks was that they were always the worst right before I made some big break through or change in my life. And I thought that knowing this, realizing the falsehood of the crap my mind throws at me, would make it easier to just shrug it off. Look at the memories and emotions it dredges up and giggle at the very ridiculousness of the situation.

And sometimes it is. Sometimes I can get the distance to look at it all and know that it’s just a ruse. But occasionally, I get too tired or burned out with the kiddos and I lose all perspective. And I get sucked into the emotional quicksand that is my mind. And before I know it I’m up to my chin with self pity and demonization. And holy cow does that suck.

I’m no fun to be around when that happens. And being a mom becomes even harder. Hell brushing my teeth feels like a monumental feat of triumph. But then the clouds clear and I remember that it’s all illusion. And I can bask, again, in the clear blue sky.