Emerald City

I just painted my nails a lovely shade of green; the name of the color is Emerald City. I’m hoping maybe I’ll have ruby slippers when I wake up to magically transport me to Fiji. I would do almost anything for some beach time right about now. With unlimited umbrella drinks in my hands and having my biggest worry be making sure to get down to the beach in time to reserve a cabana. I’d like to worry about getting sand in my shoes and whether or not I have enough sun block on. I’d like to lie on the beach and stare into space without worrying about what was being left undone. I’d like to simply forget about grocery shopping, laundry and making sure everyone around me is fed and clean. I’d like to be faced with endless buffet trays begging to be sampled one bite at a time.

Why am I obsessing about a vacation I won’t get to have anywhere in the remotely near future?

Because it is freaking cold here. Really, really cold. And because I’m not sleeping even though I’m exhausted because my brain won’t shut the hell up. And because even though I’m doing everything I can to keep my feet (and mind) firmly rooted on solid and real ground, watching my dad have bad days just destroys me. And because The Girl has attached herself to me in an effort to get away from the mounting tension and uncertainty, not to mention how much she misses her brother and dad. And because I have become a full service Sherpa in my role here.

And at the end of the day, all of the above is fine, totally understandable and utterly part of the process, but I am exhausted. And part of that exhaustion is being so irrevocably immersed in the present. I am so totally engaged with whatever is happening in any given moment that there is no time or availability to day dream or be anywhere else but right now. This is a blessing. I know that. And I am truly am grateful for it. But I would also be grateful for a little beach right now.