Day in Summary

On one hand it was a lovely day catching up with my Aunt T and just hanging out. On the other hand, my dad had a horrible day. He felt like crap all day and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him look so frail. And then there is this story that I am supposed to be writing for the new blog that I cannot seem to start.

I get to talk about things with my Aunt T that I don’t really talk about with anyone else or at least not much. Educational theory and trends, our family culture and history and pop culture. So it is refreshing to change up the topics of conversation around here as well as talking about things about which I am passionate. Plus it’s just really nice to get caught up on what everyone is doing in the family since I’m not in regular contact with them.

I know that my dad is dying. I know that bad days are part of the deal. But it never fails to set me on edge, make me worry and just generally stress me out to see him like that. And it makes me sad. Because no matter how “prepared” I think I am to say goodbye to my dad, I’m not. It’s really that simple. As present and aware as I am, I will never be ready or even remotely prepared to say goodbye to my father. Until I have to. Then I know I will figure my way through it all with peace and acceptance, but until then? I’m not ready.

And I’ve been turning this story idea over and over in my head for the past two weeks. Preparing to write my first “real” fiction story. But I cannot, for the life of me, figure out from what angle I want to approach the actual character. Everything I’ve been coming up with just sounds trite. And I know I’m probably over thinking it because I’m nervous and scared and worried that I’ll suck at this after having committed to doing it for an entire year.

I suppose I should just jump in with both feet. On all accounts.