I Choose Company

Typically when life gets hard or when I’m in the midst of something profoundly emotional, I contract. I pull inwards; away from friends and family. It’s how I process. I go inside my head to make sense of whatever is going on so that I can be whatever I need to be to get through whatever is going on.

But contrary to my historical nature, I’m finding myself choosing to reach out to friends and family. I’m being really open with the people around me and with myself for that matter. Maybe I’ve been through enough over the course of this last year that I’ve finally learned how to be gentle enough with myself to truly just be in any given moment. Without judgment or persecution.

I actually went out with friends last night. A woman in the mom’s group I’ve been a part of for years started a Random Art Workshop (RAW) night where we get together and work on whatever art we want to for an evening in the company of lovely friends. I didn’t go last month because of the weather, but also because of that new friend fear I’ve talked about before. But last night, even though my cold was making me feel pretty crappy, even though I was in a more vulnerable place than I’ve been in maybe ever and even though I’m not overly artistic or crafty, I went anyway. And it was lovely.

A sweet girlfriend offered to buy me and The Girl lunch today, so we did that after preschool. And then we went to the weekly playdate. I’ve had more social interaction in the last week than I’ve had in the last month. I just have no real desire to make myself do all of this alone. I don’t want to suffer in silence and play martyr through the sorrow. I want help. I want hugs. I want company. I want to have the tangible proof that I am not alone that being with girlfriends brings.

It is my dearest hope to stay grounded and present through the next few months and right now, being with these amazing women is allowing me to do just that.