Sucktastic Day

I know I’ve been doing a lot of very boring “recounting my days” posts lately. And I’m sure that’s because I’ve been so preoccupied with my first story for the new blog (www.write 52in52.blogspot.com just in case you forgot). But I got that sucker finished last night and went ahead and posted it a day early. It’s loose and a bit sloppy in places. It wanders a bit and isn’t entirely focused where I wanted. But there might be some good stuff in there. Maybe some good jumping off points, some nice use of language and perhaps an intriguing character or two. I don’t know, what do you think? (Hint, hint, hint.)

And that’s about the only positive thing I have to say about today.

Packing was more like moving this morning. My children were firmly entrenched into their nana and papa’s house in pretty much every possible way. So I had to scour the entire house to find all their crap so that The Girl didn’t throw a fit at bedtime tonight because we happened to have left her “most favorite” baby behind.

As I was getting dressed this morning, The Boy came in and before I got my bra on, he looked at me and said “Ew mom, what are those things hanging down?!?” I almost cried right there and then.

I haven’t really made this public knowledge as of yet, because well, our current life circumstances would probably make you all look at me (and my husband if you know him) like we’ve completely lost our minds, but we’ve been trying for baby #3 since July and I am, once again, not pregnant this month. We’ve never really had to try all that hard to get pregnant and, well, let’s just say that I’m starting to get frustrated.

We have bare cupboards and the teensiest of money with which to fill them. The children are whirligig spaz cases that are making me crazy and have been the opposite of helpful for the past two days.

And to top it all off? I’ve got another fucking headache.

Tomorrow will be better. There will be gin. And a day with my college roommate.

Rambling On

Well I kicked into high gear today and jumped head first into all the Christmas stuff I’d been procrastinating on.

I got my niece’s tutu and hair tie made and I got half of our Christmas cards done. It felt really good to start getting back into the spirit of the season as well as ticking a few things off my to-do list. I had to drive into town halfway through the day to get some of my dad’s prescriptions re-filled as my mom was in bed sick all day (and let me just say right now that if I or The Girl get sick AGAIN, I am going to go entirely, irreparably and utterly mad).

My dad and I made dinner together – he grilled pork tenderloin while I made cold pasta primavera. It was nice to share a kitchen with him again.

And tomorrow we’re meeting with a lawyer to get my dad’s will done. So that should be nice and morbid. But the good news is that after that lovely appointment, I get to go have a manicure courtesy of my mom. Hopefully she’s feeling well enough to join me for her scheduled pedicure at the same time.

The Boy is counting down the days until he gets to come here. I’m fairly sure he thinks that The Girl is getting spoiled rotten while he’s not here (and he’s not far off), hence part of his hurry to get here. I think my husband and I are going to take him to see Avatar t his weekend as his weekly advent calendar surprise. I’m hoping against hope that it won’t be too much for him. But it’s only rated PG-13 and only for things like fantasy violence (so is Star Wars) and smoking and occasional language (he probably hears worse out of my mouth on a daily basis). He gets really excited about it whenever he sees a preview for it, so hopefully it’ll be an exciting thing for him.

The Girl gets a pair of ultimate, hot pink, sparkliest of all sparkly princess shoes for her surprise.

I cannot believe that Christmas is only nine days away. Where does the time go?

12/6/09 - Random Thoughts

Target is a time suckage vortex from hell. And I love it. The Girl, my mom and I lost several hours in there today. We meant to run errands today. Do pricing and research for the last of our Christmas shopping. You know, generally be really productive and tick things off the to do list one by one. Instead, we spent hours wandering around Target (admittedly doing some research and pricing). I haven’t just wandered around Target for a long time. Because typically when I just wander around, looking at whatever happens to catch my eye, I end up spending entirely too much money. So I’ve taken to only going in there with a very specific list and I make a beeline for the locations of my items and then get the hell out of there with a quickness.

And it’s not that I had more money than usual or anything. It’s just that, I felt like browsing. The Girl needed new Christmas PJ’s and my mom wanted to find the kids new slippers (she’s dubbed herself the Slipper Queen). It also turns out that we’re in need of some new ideas for Santa since what The Girl had originally dubbed her number one present request is a piece of thin, janky, plastic crap. And I cannot allow Santa to spend money on, or put in our house, thin, janky, plastic crap. So we’re back to the drawing board for her and wandering about allowed for some additional brainstorming on that piece of business.

The advent calendar gave The Girl her tutu for this first week. And it’s a wee bit big on her and I may have gone a wee bit overboard with the layers of tulle. It’s more of a gigantic, gorgeous, floofy, red and pink skirt than a tutu in the strictest sense. And I think I’ll have to tighten it a bit for her to wear it as much as she’d like. But ultimately I think she really likes it, which gives me great hope that my niece will also love hers when I’m done with it.

Anyway, it’s up and down and the breath continues to move in and out.

Utterly Irrational

I have a totally irrational hatred of Tom Brady. The man just brings out the worst in me. I cannot bring myself to think positive thoughts about him regardless of how nice he is or how well he plays the game of football. I mean I am sitting here watching him literally have a record breaking game where he just threw 5 touchdowns in one quarter. Not one half, not in the whole game, in one freaking quarter. And I cannot bring myself to be even mildly amused by this. I find myself screwing up my face and sticking out my tongue at the TV.

Keep in mind that I still feel this way about Tom Brady knowing that I have nothing to lose in my fantasy matchup this week with him. I can’t even explain it away that way. One would think I’d have the same kind of wrath towards Drew Brees at least for this week after watching him have yet another game of his life annihilating the Giants as I watched him rack up points for my opponent. It’s painful to lose like this granted, but Drew Brees is a good comeback kid kind of guy so even though he single handedly assured my loss this week, I still kinda like the guy.

Every time I see Tom Brady’s stupid name in the headlines I cuss him out under my breath. It makes me crazy that his pretty face married a supermodel. Even his sweet baby irks me. It’s totally irrational. To the point where I have never even had a Patriot player on any of my fantasy teams. I just don’t want any association with him (although I’m about to break that rule by picking up Maroney as a possible workhorse running back).

The only thing I can come up with to even come close to explaining it is that it’s all just so cliché. He’s the star quarterback pretty boy who always gets the job done and always gets the girl. He’s “humble” and easy going. He’s charming and professional and oh so focused. And it’s always a given that he’ll win.

He may as well be a cardboard cutout.

Ramble On

I’m still sick. And I am irritated about it. So I’m just sort of in a rambling mood tonight. Try to bear with me.

My daughter amazes me. I’m not at all sure how someone so small (relatively speaking of course because my children are Sasquatch children) could be so simultaneously irritating and adorable. She has started doing some things that I was dreading about having a girl, i.e. getting totally obsessed with one or two dresses and then refusing to wear anything but those dresses at all times regardless of how many other clothes she has access to or how dirty those two singled out dresses become. She’s also taken to wearing her old baby hats, which would funny enough on its own but then she puts a tiara on top of the teeny tiny hats to make sure they stay on. That paired with the net tutus she puts on over her favorite dresses, accessorized with an assemblage of Mardi gras beads and old thrift store necklaces makes for quite the sight on her little 3 year old self.

I’ve been doing some research for a friend of mine into baby carriers available on thebabywearer.com because I’m trying to get her the hell away from the baby bjorn/snuggli and towards something that will be better and more comfortable for her and baby both. But in the course of spreading the baby wearing love, my own baby carrier obsession has once again arisen. I’m drooling over Eye2Eye mei tai’s and Vatanai wraps and Pslings. It’s awful. I should just stay away from the for sale or trade forum; it gives me the wants something awful. But it is interesting to see what the hot carriers at any given point in time. It changes pretty often; wraps are huge right now whereas the last time I was stalking the FSOT boards it was soft structured carriers.

I got to spend the whole day watching college football. I can’t even remember the last time I got to do that. No kid shows. Just football. I got to watch the Oklahoma AND Michigan games. Now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my fantasy team shows up tomorrow.

Babble, Babble, Babble

I don’t know what to write about today. My staycation is half over and I haven’t really done anything of use the entire time. I’ve been watching a lot of movies. My husband and I have been totally obsessed with the second season of Dexter and equally obsessed with the first season of Weeds. Now we are going to have to wait for Netflix to bring the next disks to us. I hate waiting. But I’m pretty sure I’ll get over it.

If you can’t tell already, this is just going to be a stream of consciousness post. Because I seriously just don’t have anything else for you today. I’ve turned my brain off while the kids are gone. I’m not really talking to anyone unless I have to. Since the kids have been gone, I’ve gone to Target and that is it. Normally this type of behavior is me hiding. Not wanting to deal with the world. But this time it is purely because I want the quiet. I want to not have to take care of anyone. I want to just hang out with zero expectations or responsibilities. I just want to be.

I have been in such constant emergency mode that I just needed some downtime. Serious, serious down time. And so that is what I’m doing. And I am being totally unapologetic about it. There is a huge to-do list that I probably should be working on. There are bills to pay. There is a garage sale to get organized so that we can get the sucker done, make some money and finally clean out our garage a bit. There is laundry and a very dirty house that are practically begging to be cleaned. There are just so many things that I have been putting off and shoving to the side that I should be doing. And I just flat refuse to do any of them. It sort of feels like I’m throwing a silent little temper tantrum. Quietly giving the finger to my sundry of responsibilities.

I don’t know. I’m totally just writing whatever comes out my fingers. Won’t you all be thrilled when I turn my brain back on?

Website Pondering

Ok. I just saw a commercial for a website called onlinebootycall.com. There are so many things wrong with this I am not at all sure where to start.

Let’s start with the fact that the actual name of the website brings more questions to my mind than clarity. Is it a cyber sex site? Is it a dating site? Is it a place to find people with whom to only have booty calls? Are said booty calls online only or do you actually meet in person? Maybe I’m a little out of touch, but I just need a little more description than that.

Also, the commercial? Featured this cavemanesque looking man proclaiming to be the founder and CEO of said website. He goes on to say how this site was about looking outside the box. Forget the flowers! Forget the candle light dinners! Forget the wooing and chivalry! The last frame of the commercial is of some skank throwing a bouquet of flowers at a man in a button up shirt laying sadly on the ground and then parading out of the shot on the arm of the original cavemanesque gentleman.

There’s also a website out there whose sole purpose is to hook up married people who want to cheat. I’m actually a wee bit intrigued by that one. Not because I want to cheat but because I want to see how it works. Is it all dark and steamy or is it all guilt ridden and hesitant?

I also wonder if these websites are successful in any way. I mean the cutting edge commercials surely point to the magnitude of their success, but I would really love to see some numbers on these suckers. I mean seriously, what kind of advertising revenue do they see? What does their customer base look like? I love to just steal a look at their books.

And call me old fashioned and crazy if you want, but I’m never going to throw a bouquet of flowers at anyone. I love flowers. What I don’t love? Scary steroid men in polyester shirts and fake tans whose own personal heroes died in the 70’s of some horrible brain eating STD.

mur, mur, mur, blah, blah, blah

I don’t want to write today!! I don’t want to write today!! I don’t want to write today!! I don’t want to write today!!

I’m tired of straining for a creativity that is just not there at the moment. I’m tired of trying to come with new and interesting things to say. Especially on days like today where I am so entirely immersed in daily grind and to-do list bullshit that writing some provocative and/or interesting is just really far away from my capacity.

I’m whiny and irritated that I have this fucking cold and I’m tired because the children aren’t sleeping worth a damn and I’m busy with a bunch of stuff that in a week simply won’t matter and all of this is keeping me from doing what I really want to be doing. I want to get back into the pro bono projects I’m working on and dropped when the whole seizure/pneumonia thing happened. I want to be manifesting getting a job so I can stop stressing about our finances. I want to be getting excited about summer and everything that goes with it. I want to be drinking cocktails with my girlfriends!!

Granted a lot of this I am the only one keeping myself from achieving progress. I’m whiny and unbalanced and flailing. And that’s a choice I suppose. A choice made either consciously or subconsciously as a response to everything with The Girl and life in general right now.

And it’s a strange place to be because even though I’m all scattered and willy nilly, I haven’t really lost any of the confidence I’ve cultivated over the last year. I haven’t really lost much of the direction or conviction. I haven’t really lost much of the progress I’ve made. I’m just confidently scattered I suppose. And it’s a goofy place to be.

But here I am. So I’m trying to continue to just be with everyday and take it as it comes. Keep my head up, my shoulders back and my eyes on the prize. Keep breathing and keep on keeping on so to speak. I mean I’m bound to figure out which way is up sooner or later right?

Yadda Yadda

So if it’s possible for one to be utterly blocked with their mind still reeling with non sequitur thoughts, that’s me today. So I’m just going to write whatever happens to flutter into my mind and call it good for today. Keep both hands inside, don’t drink the water and enjoy the ride.

The Girl’s birthday is in a couple of months, I wonder if we’ll do another back yard party or if I can finagle a fun party somewhere else out of our budget this year? She’s already making her birthday wish list. Although she asks for things for her “birthday party” not for her birthday, it’s funny and cute. Since I’ve been sick I’ve almost entirely ignored my children. I’ve unabashedly set them in front of the TV for hours on end and let The Boy play the Wii almost whenever he asks. Such a bad mother. So blessed to have such resourceful and easily distracted children. Also, they are forgiving, which is probably the biggest blessing I have in life right now. Man do I love McDonald’s quarter pounders with cheese. But no onions. Why is fountain Coke so much better than canned Coke? I took my wedding rings off and there is a noticeable dent and tan line left in their wake. I wonder if anyone will notice. I wonder if I’m noticed? The weather is gorgeous and warm and disturbing. We should still be having snow and starting to get some rain this time of year. Probably in for a very hot summer. Damn. I wonder if I’m missed nearly as much as I miss. I wish that I could get just one interview for one of the nearly 30 resumes that I’ve got out there circulating. I wonder if I’m not as qualified as I think I am. Or maybe over qualified for the positions I’m applying for? I don’t know. I just need and want to go back to work already. I wonder what I’ll make for dinner tonight. Soccer starts tonight. I wish I was telepathic. I wish I didn’t have to wonder what was in other’s minds. I wish I could just know and act accordingly.

Babbling

We live pretty close to Fort Carson and in the 7 or so years we have lived in this house, I’ve gotten used to hearing bombs in the background as they do training exercises and just generally have a grand time blowing shit up. Occasionally however, they do fire fighting drills and purposely set something, or a lot of something, on fire for the express purpose of practicing putting it out. And then there are the times when in the process of blowing shit up, they start a rather large prairie fire that looms large in direct view from our house.

Today is one of those days. After getting home from picking up the kids from school, I was on the back deck getting ready to enjoy the absolutely gorgeous weather we’re having and the minute I stepped foot on the deck I noticed that the light was weird and the air was thick with smoke. So those two things tell me that this one is a huge fucking fire. Because we are across the highway and probably close to hundreds of acres away from their firing ranges.

And it’s not like I’m worried or anything, well not about our house anyway. I always worry about those military guys out there and I worry about what they may or may not be doing to the land. But the fire would have to jump the highway to get anywhere near us.

But it’s a strange thing to suddenly have your outside world sepia toned. It gives the whole world a totally different feel. Like I’m in a movie of some kind or some strange dream. Which to be really honest, is actually preferable to my current world. So, don’t think I’m complaining or anything, cause I’m not. Just reflecting on the dream-like quality of it all. Although I really could do without the smoke hanging in the air, so a nice wind shift would be appreciated (you know, just in case the weather gods read my blog).

It’s a babbling kind of day, as you have no doubt already ascertained. But that’s better than a bawling or screaming kind of day. Take my word for it.